


Beautiful Chaos of the Evil mind

by SnowWhite21



Category: Joker (2019)
Genre: Bruce Wayne is Batman, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2020-12-09 09:14:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 30
Words: 47,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20992358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnowWhite21/pseuds/SnowWhite21
Summary: Dr. Quinzel has a big dream. Arthur Fleck,who is the most unpredictable and dangerous Arkham's patient, can help her dream come true.New more realistic and gritty interpretation of their famous relationship.





	1. Dr. Quinzel's agreement

"Dr.Quinzel,I have to warn you. His previous psychiatrists had lots of problems with Mr.Fleck. 3 years ago he stabbed dr.Matthews in the neck."- Warden's little black eyes were observing reaction on my face. Horror,fear and disgust would be very suitable and of course immediate resignation.  
"Thank you. I know what i'm getting into." - Without even skipping a beat,I continued signing papers. I heard him shuffling, obvioulsy surprised by my lack of apprehension. I was so ready for my new job. Worked my way through so much shit to get here,so i couldn't back down now.  
"That's it." - I put away a pen,handing Warden the papers. I gave him my formal smile,which someone would say was too broad.  
"Take his case and follow me." - Warden tilted his grey head,that seemed so small compared to his tall thin body. It looked weird and somehow funny.  
We headed through the long white corridor. My brain got completely blank. This familiar feel,an oppressive silence and a chlorine sent. It all seemed so normal to me. I worked in worse conditions,i've seen criminally insane and talked to them. But this somehow looked like a brand new chapter in my career. Finally,pretty sweet blonde could prove everybody,that she was a force to be reckoned with.  
Warden stopped infront of the last room at the end of the corridor.  
"Here he is. The clown that started that bloody riot." - Warden's dry scratchy voice was full of menace and satisfaction. He slowly opened the door,looking at me.  
"Thanks. Now i can handle it myself." - I smiled at him politely and walked in.  
"Of course. He is well-medicated. That trick with a pen won't happen again." - He added softly.  
I saw a frail little body on the bed,completely motionless.  
"He is incapacitated." - I came up closer to my new patient. He was barely breathing with his big green eyes wide open. His pale exhausted face was framed by dark greasy hair. "How long has he been in this condition? "- I turned to Warden,hardly suppressing anger.  
"Well...for months. No one wants to work with this clown. There's no point." - Warden mumbled nonchalantly.  
"There's no point?!Why am i here then?" - I snarled impatiently.  
"Dr.Quinel, you are here because we need somebody to write papers for our administration. Paperwork "- He chuckled with his rotten crooked teeth,looking me up and down. "My name is Harleen Quinzel. And i'm not a secretary. I have a degree in psychiatry. This is a crime! This man has rights too."- I walked right up to Warden,clenching my fists inside the pockets of my white coat.  
"This is an animal. Haven't you seen what he's done live on TV." - Warden hissed at me with challenge.  
" I've seen it just like everybody else. But i've seen worse,you better believe me. He is a patient and i'm a doctor. It's against the law to keep him sedated for longer than 2 days." I felt a familiar rush of rage,that i had million times in my life. People overlooked my abilities and couldn't see past my appearance.  
"Doctor,you're taking it too seriously. He is a done deal." - He nodded at the frail pale body on the bed with disdain.  
"No,he is NOT! I'm going to talk to director." - I pushed him away and rushed from the room.  
" Good luck with that." - I heard his menacing chuckle.

" You know i'm here to help the patient. This is my calling,Ms.Sanders. I know i'm capable of making a difference. "- I was sitting infront of the person,that everybody in Gotham respected and feared. It was a middle aged plump woman with beautiful sharp blue eyes and short brown hair.  
"I know,dr.Quinzel. I've read your resume. It's rather impressive. Fleck is the most unpredictable patient we have. It speaks volumes,because it's Arkham."- Her soft and melodic voice was deceivingly calm.  
" I'm well aware of it. This fact makes it more interesting for me." - I leaned over with confidence.  
Ms.Sanders was examining me silently for a minute,that seemed like forever. I held that eye contact. It was a test,that i had to pass. My hands were shaking under the table.  
" Well,you're the most ambitious and brave doctor we had in years. So i will encourage you. But...knowing the previous unfortunate attempts by other doctors, you will have to sign an agreement. We won't be responsible for anything bad that might happen to you." - Her voice sounded formal and cold,completely deprived of emotion.  
My head started buzzing.Thoughts were racing. I wanted that job. It was my dream to become respected and admired for my achievements. And Fleck was perfect for it. If i could help the most difficult patient in Arkham,i would make my dream come true.  
"Where do i need to sign? "- I took a deep breath and looked at Ms.Sanders right in the eyes.  
I saw how her face changed for a second. I noticed her surprise. But she put on her poker face again fast enough. I signed all the papers almost without blinking. I knew i was doing something that would change my life.


	2. Talk to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello,Everyone! I was deeply moved and inspired by movie "Joker",so i decided to write about possibility of Joaquin's version of Joker meeting his Harley Quin. Hope to see your comments,if you like it))

At last i was in charge of situation. It was worth every single danger,that i could face with my new patient. Fear was shoved way back in my mind. I was aimed for success. First thing i did - i canceled sedatives. I wanted to talk to a person,not to a vegetable. Then i ordered to feed him 3 times a day instead of one. Physical and mental health go hand in hand.  
3 days later i went to my first session with the Infamous Clown. To say i was nervous,would be an understatement. I stood before the mirror for an hour. Just trying to compose myself. The first impression is always so important. I have to come across as compassionate,but calm and collected,empathetic,but logical and attentive.  
I started to brush my hair into a firm ponytail. Somehow i felt like it made me look smarter. Throughout my life i was a sweet cute girl for guys to hit on. Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. I love attention,but outside my work.In reality it always got in my way of showing,that i was more than a pretty blue-eyed face with a nice body. Gotham sees you only as prey.  
Since my graduation i willingly started to diminish my attractiveness - minimum make up, no revealing clothes,big glasses,that i felt made me look more serious and intellectual. And it really helped. I got into Arkham as a psychiatrist.  
I read Fleck's file countless times. For me it didn't seem like a difficult case. Just a very severe combination of Bipolar Disorder,Depression, Pseudobulbar affect and Oedipus complex. And everything took it's roots from his traumatic childhood and head injury. Nothing unusual,nothing that i didn't encounter before. The most interesting part of his mentality was what he did with his anxiety and fear. He took action instead of more common suicide.  
I saw that last program of Murray Franklin. I remembered that period of time in Gotham. Fleck was the final push for people,boiling with rage and resentment towards upper class. It was shocking,violent and bloody. I stayed home for a week to afraid to go outside. That sick person became a symbol for poor and wronged. Maybe it was his plan.

" Good morning,Mr.Fleck.Please,sit down." - My patient walked in with a butch male nurse. Arthur seemed so small and fragile compared to that man,who resembled a pit bull on steroids.  
" Call me,when you're done. I'm waiting outside,Doctor"- Low raspy voice resonated in the room.  
"Thank you." - I nodded to the male nurse and looked at Fleck,who was standing like a ghost. Completely detached.  
"Sit down." - With a firm grip of strong hands,the male nurse forced Fleck on the chair.  
"Be careful,please." - I said reproachfully,seeing how Arthur's thin weak body shuddered.  
"As you wish,Doctor." - The nurse winked at me carnivorously. His small black eyes were glimmering on his big oval face.  
Finally he walked away.  
I opened Fleck's file nervously,trying to stop my hands from shaking. The man infront of me was looking right at me,while his eyes were empty. His mind was far away.  
" Mr.Fleck,my name is Doctor Harleen Quinzel and i'm going to have therapy sessions with you. I'm sure we will work through all your problems" - I smiled at him with all sincerity i had.  
His big green eyes looked enormous on his pale thin face. Long dark hair was hanging lifelessly. He had aristocratic features,distorted by his anorexic thinness and malnourishment.  
His dry mouth started moving and i noticed a change in his eyes. His attention travelled to my lips.  
"Arthur,let's talk." - I felt excitement rising inside of me.  
"New doctor..." - I heard his almost inaudible whisper.  
"Yes. I'm here to finally get you the help,that you always needed." - My voice cracked a little.  
"It's too late,Doctor." - Fleck's green eyes met mine and I saw unbearable pain raging inside.  
"No,it's not. You never had a proper treatment,but now that i'm here,you will have it." - I adjusted my glasses,not avoiding his unblinking gaze.  
" You're so young and hopeful. So full of yourself. I wish...i was like you. "- Arthur's face got distorted with spasmatic coughing,that he was trying to suppress.  
" Arthur,let me help you. Please." - I closed his file and leaned closer.  
"Help me?!Help me?!No one cared when i needed it!Now when i've...killed 6 people...you...want to help...me. Years in here...doctors coming and going...asking the same questions over and over again." - Arthur's coughing morphed into laughter.  
Sick uncontrollable loud laughter,that prevented him from talking. Tears were forming in his eyes because of pressure and pain. That laughter was worse than i thought. It was scary. Arthur couldn't catch his breath. He was grabbing his throat,choking on that damn laughter.  
" I will calm him down." - The door opened and the butch nurse came in.  
"No! Don't touch him!He is in pain."- I stood up,blocking the way for the nurse.  
Arthur covered his face in his hands. His laughter turned into crying.  
"Leave. Our session isn't over." - I said sternly.  
"Doctor,he is dangerous." - The butch looked at me with defiance.  
"I will decide.Not you." - I was standing my ground,looking up at the huge man infront of me.  
The Butch gave me a sleazy grin and slowly walked out.  
I turned to my patient,who finally regained his composure.  
"Let's continue. Now i've seen what happens,when you have stressful situations or you get angry. And it's ok,Arthur." - I sat down and tried to sound relaxed. While inside i was smitten. It wasn't fear or disdain,it was sympathy.  
Arthur slowly put his hands down,opening his red strained face.  
" I know how hard it was for you and i'm not going to let you down. I'm not going to give up on you,Arthur. Trust me" - I didn't really take time to form that speech. It was something that poured out of me involuntarily.  
"Trust. What a sweet sound...It's too much to ask,Doctor,don't you think? "- Arthur's voice was weak and raspy after laughing. His eyes returned to my lips.  
" I understand. But the situation needs your cooperation. Can you just do one thing? Talk to me." - I said softly and slowly,giving every word enough weight.  
His eyes were still fixed on my lips,but his gaze changed. I could feel how his whole body relaxed. He rested his elbows on the table and leaned forward. His green eyes glimmered with warmth. I thought my words resonated with him. Only after a minute of silence,I realized that i was smiling.


	3. Crossing the Line

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What about Harleen's backstory and her reasons to end up on the dark side? Soon we will see...  
Hope to hear the feedback))

"Hallo!" - I was in the middle of putting on my pantyhose,when my phone rang. So i jumped my way to it on one leg.  
"Honey!How are you?" - My mom's high squeaky voice resonated in my ear.  
"Mom,Hi.I'm fine.What's wrong?" - I mumbled disinterestedly.  
"Why would something be wrong?!I just wanted to hear you voice." - My mother had a very specific way of showing her love for me. She would call once a year,except for a rare moments of sheer curiosity.  
"Yeah,i know. I'm running late for work,Mom "- I finally managed to put on pantyhose and a beige blouse.  
"My smart girl! I heard you've got a new job. In Arkham,right?" - She didn't seem to care about anything,rather than the information that she needed.  
"Yes,Mom!We live in Gotham,but you want to sound as if you're miles away." - My patience run out.  
"Honey,don't be like this!You don't want to see me. You told me this so many times.And it breaks my heart" - Her voice cracked with fake resentment.  
"Oh,Mom!I need to go." - I snarled angrily.  
"We just wanted to see you...maybe on this weekend." - That "we" sounded too uncomfortable for my ears.  
"This weekend?" - I asked just to bind time. My head started spinning. I sat down on the bed.  
"Yeah.We miss you. It's been 5 years,Honey." - Her voice sounded pleading.  
"I know..."- I mumbled mindlessly,feeling familiar shivers running down my spine.  
"Harleen,please. Let it be our reconciliation. I hope we all grew as people and learned our mistakes." - I could hear her soft lulling voice through the loud buzzing in my head.  
I spent all those years trying to become somebody,that i could respect. There were reasons for me to choose psychiatry. I wanted to help myself through it.  
I remembered what i was taught - "You have to face your demons. You can't hide from it and push it down into your subconscious. It will resurface with double power".  
"Fine." - I said dryly.  
"Oh,Honey!Thank you!We'll come tomorrow,ok?" - Her voice was cheerful and satisfied in contrast with mine.  
"Ok." - My temples were squeezing my head tighter and tighter.  
"See you soon. Bye"- She hung up abruptly,leaving me completely speechless.

"He is already waiting for you. You're late,Dr.Quinzel." - Warden's tall figure was hanging above me.  
"I'm 5 minutes late and it will never happen again." - I looked up at him with a smile on my face. In my head i was mumbling something obscene.  
"I hope so or i will have to talk to Director", - His voice was full of fake politeness,just like my smile.  
I turned around without saying anything back and walked in the room.  
"Good day,Arthur" - I saw my patient sitting in the chair. He gave all of his attention to his feet.  
"I'm sorry that i'm late today". - My mind wasn't still completely there. My mother's sudden love attack derailed me.  
"Where's your ponytail,Doctor?" - I heard soft ironic remark.  
Arthur's face was stern,but eyes were examining me carefully. I never thought that he was paying attention to any datailes,but he actually was.  
"I was in a hurry. So nice to see,that you are ready to communicate" - I didn't hide my surprise from him.  
"I don't have anything to lose anyway..." - His eyes changed in a millisecond. His interested involved gaze turned into empty and sorrowful.  
"Arthur,today i want to talk about something positive. Something that makes you feel good", - I tucked my hair behind my ears.-Tell me what do you like to do?"  
He was looking at me silently without any emotion.  
"Ok.I will be the first to share with you. I love cinema. Even had some thoughts about becoming an actress" - I giggled softly,remembering how little Harleen would dress in mother's clothes and wear high heels,pretending to be Scarlett O'Hara from "Gone with the wind" or Marilyn Monroe from "Some like it hot".  
"I love music..." - After a long pause,Arthur spoke carefully and slowly,as if every word meant the world to him. His green eyes changed. The emotion reentered them.  
"What kind of music,Arthur?" - I caught the thread and started pulling it.  
"Old music. Frank Sinatra...Jimmy Durante." - Arthur closed his eyes with a soft exhale.  
"I like music too. The music with great lyrics and melodies. Do you have a favorite song?" - My whole body tensed up from excitement.  
"You first,Doctor" - He didn't open his eyes,but i could see the corners of his mouth go up. I couldn't believe,that he taunted me a little. There was a man with personality inside that ghost-like appearance.  
"Well. I have a song,that i feel attached to. It's called "All in Love Is Fair" by Stevie Wonder. There are some good memories connected to it." - My head wasn't working properly that day. I crossed the line twice and i've never done such a thing before. Psychiatrist can't share anything personal with a patient. It's a big No-No! But i was driven by my sympathy more than by logic.  
"Great choice...Doctor. I have a special song too. It's called "That's life"...it speaks to me. You have to hear it once..." - Arthur slowly opened his big green eyes and started swinging from side to side,as if the song was playing in his head.  
I found myself watching him silently,afraid to say anything or even move. There was such a change in his eyes. They seemed to get darker and deeper. Some kind of blissful flames were dancing inside his pupils. His pale face lit up with joy.  
"I wish i could go back there...and see it myself" - He finally said,keeping his eyes on me.  
"Where,Arthur?Share with me,please" - My voice sounded distant like an echo.  
"Oh,Doctor...maybe someday you will understand.It's too complicated for you now." - His voice became more playful and sarcastic. He relished the thought of something,that i didn't know. The secret,that only he knew.  
"Fine. We will leave it for the next time,when you are ready to share it with me." - I felt like i finally found the way to talk to Arthur. It was such a big step.  
"Doctor...remember,you asked me to do one thing - talk to you. Can i ask you in return?" - He narrowed his green eyes with interest.  
My mind was screaming the answer - "No!" But just like i said - My head wasn't working properly that day and i nodded to him.  
"Talk to me...Doctor" - Arthur's slow thoughtful way of saying it sent shivers down my spine. Somehow i new what he meant. He wanted me to share with him as much as he shared with me.  
"No,Harleen. Don't you dare!". That was what my mind was telling me,but my thoughtless empathetic naive side had something different to say.  
"Ok,Arthur. Let's try." - I blurted out enthusiastically. The moment i said it,Arthur's eyes glimmered with joy. And i was so glad to see it.

I went home with an explosive mixture of emotions. I went further,than any doctor, who worked with Arthur. But at what cost. I crossed the line. Though there was a progress - Arthur didn't have one of his laughing episodes. He was relaxed with me.  
My thoughts went from my patient to my parents. And i knew,that i would rather spend all day with Arthur,than spend an hour in my parent's company.


	4. Turning point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your encouragement))This chapter i dedicated to Harleen's first step into Arthur's world.

I woke up with a horrendous sound of the alarm-clock. Nothing could be worse,than knowing that you have to face your parents. Well,i mean MY parents. I made a chocolate pie,nothing special or pompous. It was a meeting,that i would cancel,if i wasn't a psychiatrist. So many lectures about dealing with issues,rather than ignoring them. And here i was doing just that for 5 years until that day. I rehearsed my lines and my attitude,thought about what to wear. It was very important. I chose a blue sweatsuit.Why? Because i didn't want my parents to think,that i was preparing too meticulously and dress up,like it was a holiday for me. Nothing to worry about and it wasn't something special. That's what i wanted them to feel. I was over everything bad between us. What an outrageous lie!

"Honeeey!" - My mother's squeaky voice perfectly matched her appearance. It was a middle aged short plump woman with curly blond hair. My broad smile i got from her.  
She rushed in and hugged me as tight as she could.  
"Harleen,I'm so happy to see you"- She whispered in my ear tenderly. Wish i could believe her.  
I looked at the man still standing in the doorway. It was a tall lean grey haired man with a long nose and pointed chin. His big hazel eyes were examining me.  
"Theo,stop standing there!Come in! - My mother took hospitality in her own hands.  
I stepped back as he walked in. It was natural reaction of my body.  
"Harleen,it's been such a long time." - He finally said. The sound of his baritone flooded my apartment.  
I opened my mouth,but nothing came out of it. We just stared at each other.  
"You have a very nice flat,Honey!Big spacious room.Wow!And a big kitchen." - Finally Mother intervened with her gleeful remarks. She didn't need my "welcome"  
to make herself at home. She stormed through my apartment rather unbridledly.  
I went to the table to cut my chocolate pie in pieces,while my mother was gushing over the painting in my living room. She always had that special way of occupying the space around her. A stranger would think,that she was honestly impressed by my half-empty apartment or a simple cheap still-life painting. But i knew better.It was just a show.  
If it wasn't for her idle talk,there would be a dead silence.  
"Honey,We are very proud of you.Tell us about your new job!" - As we all sat down to the table,my mother got down to the point.  
"I've just started. Nothing special,Mom..." - I mumbled,chewing a piece of a pie. But i couldn't feel a taste. I could feel him watching me.  
"Oh,common!You're too modest. It's a big deal to get into Arkham." - My Mother wasn't someone,who would give up easily.  
"Not as big of a deal as you think,Mom. What else do you want to know about my life?" - I couldn't look up from my plate.Something was boiling inside of me. Sheer rage. And i thought i was over it.  
"Harleen,we care about you. I know that you don't want to believe it. But we do." - I heard his voice. It seemed so loud.  
"We...we care about you...you are inseparable. Can you talk only for yourself separately? You're not one organism." - I clenched a spoon in my hand and finally looked up to meet my mother's widened eyes and Theo's calm hazel gaze.  
"There we go.Still resented. I want to make amends today,Harleen." - He said leaning over,when my mother was about to say something.  
I could feel my eyes watering out of pressure.  
"That's right. You are my daughter. And i want to be in your life,Honey" - Mother shook her curly head with enthusiasm.  
They looked like a couple from a bad TV sitcom. My mother had a huge smile on,that seemed too happy and too joyful. Everything in me was screaming out in pain,while i kept my face emotionless. Years of psychiatry payed off.  
"I will make more tea." - I managed to give them a broad smile and went to the kitchen. I just needed to get out.  
"I'll help you." - My mother rushed after me.  
For couple of seconds she was silent.  
"He really means every word,Honey." - Her soft tender whisper sounded distant and cold.  
I didn't reply. Everything i wanted was to run away as far as i could. I took the pot and went back to the living room.  
He was sitting motionless,while I put the pot on the table. My hands were shaking treacherously. What if i "accidently" spilt a hot tea right on his face. That thought scared and excited me all at the same time.  
"Honey,what about your personal life? I can't wait to babysit grandkids." - After couple of minutes of sipping on tea in dead silence,my mother found something to say.  
I looked up at her in shock. She was smiling back at me innocently.  
"I remember you had a very good boyfriend. Mark was his name,right?Polite boy. It's so rare nowadays" - She was tapping the spoon nervously.  
"It was billion years ago,Mom. It was in high school. And...i think you should remember,what happened to him." - I said slowly. Headache kicked in. The memories,that i was pushing down for so many years flooded back,occupying every braincell.  
"Oh.I forgot!Sorry!" - My mother giggled hysterically and looked at Theo. I could notice how he tensed up.  
"I'm getting old,Honey. What do you want from your mother?!" - She was frantically trying to turn it into a joke. But no one was laughing.  
"You're not that old,Mom." - I whispered completely exasperated from anger.  
"I think Harleen can find somebody better than that boy." - His baritone sounded dry,while his eyes were burning.  
"Yes,I can." - I coined every word,trying to sound stern and adamant.  
We were looking straight in each others eyes. I was literally facing my demon.  
"Let's just keep it positive. I'm sure that you will make us happy very soon,Honey" - My mother's voice sounded as fake as it could.  
I didn't have any energy left to keep that circus going.  
"I have to go to my friend's house to sit with her son,so..." - I stood up hastily,not caring to invent a more believable lie.  
"Of course! We had a very nice reunion. Thank you for letting us in,Honey. Just one more thing. Now that you work in Arkham,can you help our nephew. He's just graduated from medical college. I think you remember him. Little Cory" - My Mother's nervous babble deafened me. Finally,she revealed the real reason behind her sudden "love" for me. Of course i remembered Little Cory - a spoilt brat with acne,for whom my mother had a soft spot.  
My head was ready to explode.  
"No. I can't. You need to go." - That was all i could say. Inside there was a raging fire,my composure was hanging by a threat.  
"Oh,okay. Maybe later it will be possible.He has only A grades" - My Mother finally stood up with awkward happy smile on her round face. I could notice her dissapointment.  
They went to the door silently. My Mother hastily put on her coat looking at me. Probably she was waiting for me to say something. But I just stood there silently with my hands crossed.  
"Thank you,Honey." - She came up to me and kissed me on a cheek cautiously. I was motionless.  
"Take care,Harleen." - The man,that i hated all my life petted my shoulder with a smirk on his face. I felt shivers running down my spine. The horror of him touching me crashed me.  
They walked out,closing the door behind them.

When my parents left, I realized what a big mistake i've made. My head was as heavy as lead. All the memories stormed into my mind. The mind,that i somehow kept rather clear for some time. I didn't know how much time i spent,staring at the door. How could i agree to see them! They spoiled everything! They took my hard-earned peace away from me.I couldn't sleep at all. My head was buzzing and awful memories were reeling. His voice. His soft and cruel voice.  
"Take care,Harleen" he said with that familiar tone. But i didn't know who was worse. Maybe my mother was the worst. How could she bring up Mark! The boy,who i fell in love with. The boy,who really cared,but he took him away.  
"This momma's boy wants to get in your pants,Harleen!" - His loud thunderous voice was echoing in my head.- He is no good!You are not going to see him ever  
again"  
They locked me up. 3 days later i went to school and i was told,that Mark and his family moved to another town.  
"What did you do?!What did you do to him?!" - I heard my younger self screaming and banging on his chest. He was standing emotionlessly,looking down at me.  
"I did what i had to!I made sure,that he will never want to touch you. He will remember my fist for the rest of his life!" - He grabbed my hand,shook me and sent me flying across the room.  
"Mom!" - I screamed desperately,but she never came. She never did,when i needed her.  
Remembering it after so many years still hurt as much as it did back then. I clenched my teeth and cried as loud as i could in the pillow. The pain was overwhelming.

I spent the night rolling from side to side in agony.In the morning i was afraid to look in the mirror. My face was swollen. I spent 3 hours just lying in the bathtub,trying to relax. And for some reason i remembered my patient. I needed to think about something or someone,rather than my parents. And the first person i thought about was Arthur. What a terrible life he had...no wonder he ended up doing what he did.  
"I have a special song too. It's called "That's life"...it speaks to me. You have to hear it once..." - His voice resounded in my head. I stood up, wrapped myself in a towel and went to the living room. I had a big collection of tapes. Frank Sinatra had to be there too. I found "That's life" after half an hour of digging. Without any hesitation,i turned it on.  
"That's life (that's life), that's what people say  
You're riding high in April, shot down in May  
But I know I'm gonna change that tune  
When I'm back on top, back on top in June"  
Frank's voice and delivery was so suave,confident. The lyrics were truly remarkable. Everyone can relate,because life is just a chain of ups and downs.  
What a bumpy ride,isn't it?  
The first time i played that song,i just listened to it attentively. The second time i stood up from the couch and started moving to the rhythm. I closed my eyes and just let it go. It was a brief moment of forgetting about everything.  
"That's life, that's life  
And I can't deny it  
Many times I thought of cutting out  
but my heart won't buy it  
But if there's nothing shaking come here this July  
I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die"  
I hummed my way through the song and danced around the room. It felt so good. When the song ended,I found myself imagining Arthur's face.  
He was right. You just need to hear it once...


	5. No regret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harleen is slowly losing her way...
> 
> Thank you so much for reading my passion project. Your feedback keeps me going))Please,leave your comments)

"Ms. Sanders,I know it can sound rather unusual and unexpected,but i have a strong hunch,that my approach will help Mr.Fleck. Music therapy is very effective in cases of depression and anxiety. So i ask your permission to try it with Fleck." - I was thrilled with my idea,and i was trying to get Ms. Sanders on board with it. But the smirk on her face was rather dissapointing to see.  
"Doctor Quinzel,you are pushing for a real success. You signed an agreement,so whatever happens, it's all on you" - Her eyes were laughing at me. Of course she thought i was stupid and naive to think,that music could help such a sick patient.  
"Thank you." - I said with a broad smile on my face. I just needed her approval.

I took my small shabby recorder and some tapes of old-school music.  
"Doctor,are you sure about that?" - Warden's surprised face was telling me,that he never saw anybody trying it before.  
"Yes. I'm sure" - I said confidently,walking past him.  
"He might kill you with this." - I heard his mocking tone,but it didn't bother me at all. My intuition was telling me the other way.

I walked in and put on my recorder and sat down,waiting for my patient. The Butch came in,firmly holding Arthur by the arm. He was in handcuffs.  
"What's happened?" - I asked worrily. Arthur's face was white as chalk with scratches on his forehead.  
"Doctor,our little clown had a temper tantrum the other night. Beat his head against the wall. You better hurry up with your therapy or he will blow his brains out" - The Butch's coarse and loud voice sounded like thunder in that little room. He shook Arthur's fragile body and laughed.  
"Stop it!There is nothing funny about it!Let him go and take off these handcuffs" - I stood up and placed my hands on the hips defiantly. Arthur looked up at me with genuine surprise.  
"I warned you,Doctor." - The Butch grunted condescendingly and took off the handcuffs roughly,intentionally hurting my patient. Then he looked at me with  
a vile smirk and left.  
"Sit down,please. Don't worry about that man." - I smiled at Arthur,trying to ease the tension.  
He was staring at me without blinking. Something in his eyes was telling me,that he was glad to see me.  
"Today i have a very special therapy for you,Arthur." - I sat down and pointed at my recorder.  
My patient's face strained with disbelief. He squinted his green eyes,looking at the table.  
"You're fond of music...so we can listen to it." - I mumbled nervously,watching him slowly walking towards my recorder with an enraptured look on his pale face.  
"Doctor,aren't you afraid of me?" - He stopped close enough for me to feel very anxious,but somehow i didn't feel any fear.  
He couldn't take his eyes off of my recorder.  
"No. I'm not afraid of you,Arthur." - I said softly,looking up at him.  
"Maybe you should...haven't you heard what i did to other...doctors?" - His voice was tender in contrast with his tensed body.  
"I heard,that you harmed your doctors on the first session. It's our 3rd,so..." - I didn't know why,but i whispered it. Maybe because something about that situation was intimate or maybe i was just out of breath.  
"Doctor,you're risky. Ordered to take off my handcuffs with an object in the room,that i can use against you." - His attention finally switched from the recorder to me. I felt a heavy intense gaze of his deep green eyes on my skin.  
I swallowed hard,keeping that strange eye contact with him. My patient was right. He could hurt me.  
"I trust you." - I uttered without thinking before saying,immediately regretting it.  
His face was motionless,but his big green eyes darkened with something,that sent chills down my spine.  
"Why are you so kind to me,Doctor?Are you even real or it's one of my hallucinations?" - Arthur's anger was palpable. He was breathing heavily,hardly repressing his laughter.  
"I know you've been betrayed too many times to believe anyone,but i really mean well. I do,Arthur." - My voice cracked at the sight of Arthur's mouth twitching.  
"You're lying just like everybody else!You are using me!" - He grabbed my recorder and threw it against the wall,breaking it into pieces.  
The Butch didn't storm in. I guess he thought that i had it coming.  
"Arthur,please calm down! I know how you feel!I know it too well!" - I sat still,trying not to show my fear and panic.  
"What can you know about suffering with you pretty blonde hair and happy smile!Perfect life!No pain,no nightmares,friends,family always by your side!While i want to die every single day!" - Arthur's started shaking uncontrollably and backed against the wall. The agony,that he was pouring out was overwhelming.  
He curled up on the floor,surrounded by pieces of my broken recorder.  
"Arthur,look at me. Please. I want to tell you something." - I was afraid,that he might use one of those pieces to harm himself. So i came up to him and hunched down beside him.  
How could i overlook the possibility of him cutting me?! Probably i just didn't think about myself at all in that moment.  
"I'm not who you think I am. This perfect shell is just a pretence. Nothing about my life is happy." - I whispered. The tears started forming in my eyes.  
Arthur was still shaking,but i could feel his anger was receding.  
"I had a very bad day recently...my parents came into my life after a long absence. And now i regret it. They ruined my hard-earned peace and now my insomnia came back." - I was never that honest with anyone before. The need to tell him,that he was not alone in that messed up world,was too strong.  
Arthur's body stopped shaking and i could feel him listening to me.  
"I hate them and i always will...when i couldn't stop the pain circling in my mind,i decided to listen to the song...your song."That's life" made me relax and forget about the pain. It helped me...that's why i brought my recorder today. I thought,that it could stop your pain even just for a moment." - I was staring at the broken pieces on the floor. They represented Arthur's life and maybe mine too.  
"I'm sorry...Doctor." - I heard soft whisper very close to me.  
I looked up to meet Arthur's big green eyes,staring at me. He must have moved closer,while i was pouring out my pain. His face was filled with warmth and compassion,that i never experienced in my life. No one looked at me the way he did. He was like a drenched frozen man leaning to the fireplace. I felt extreme need to be close to him. It was something unconscious.  
Arthur's face was relaxed. Nothing could show,that he had a nervous breakdown a minute ago.He was dangerously close. So close,that i could move an inch further and touch his hand. But i restrained myself with all the will i had.  
"I hope we will have more fun next time,Arthur." - I stood up slowly,wiping away the tears from my face.  
It was an awkward silence in the room. I think in that very moment we both knew,that there was no going back from that. The line between a psychiatrist and his patient blurred.  
What did i feel? No regret at all.


	6. Be careful with a fool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arthur has music in him...
> 
> Really love exploring the development of their enigmatic relationship) I hope you do too))

"Harleen!Where are you?" - I heard thunderous voice. My heart was racing. Every fiber of my being wanted to run,but I couldn't feel my legs.  
"Where's my little doll?" - The whisper right in my ear chilled me to the bone. I could even feel hot breath caressing me.  
"No!" - I screamed,jumping up on my bed.  
My nightmares came back.  
It was something,that i battled with for so many years. I thought,that i finally got rid of it. My pillow was drenched in my cold sweat and i felt like somebody was watching me in the dark. Someone's eyes were staring in my soul.

"You're not the one who gives up,Doctor Quinel" - Warden's face lit up,when he saw me.  
"Sure I am not. It's Doctor Quinzel,not Quinel." - I rushed through the corridor,trying to avoid his repulsive company.  
"New recorder? He will break it too. But maybe this time against your head." - I heard him running after me.  
"Have i asked your opinion? Mind your own business,Warden." - I turned around swiftly and hissed right in his face.  
His little eyes widened in shock. I realized that i went too far.  
"I need to go. Good luck with your job." - Automatically i gave him my broad smile and continued walking,as if that angry outburst didn't happen.

I rested my new blue recorder on the table,waiting for my patient.Strange thrill of anticipation filled me up.Finally,the door opened and Arthur walked in, accompanied by the Butch.  
"Good day,Arthur." - I stood up with a soft smile. He nodded to me. It was the first he ever greeted me.  
"He's all yours,Doctor." - The Butch's gruff chuckle felt so out of place.  
I ignored him completely and without getting any attention he left.  
Arthur walked to the other side of the table and sat down. His attention was fixed on the new recorder.  
"Take two." - I said calmly,examining his reaction.  
"Doctor,you're very persistent." - Arthur's voice seemed indifferent,but his big green eyes were sparkling.  
"Yes. I brought some tapes. You can choose what you want to listen. Sam Cooke,Johnny Cash,The Beatles,Cream,Frank Sinatra..." - While i was enumerating him his options,his pale thin hand travelled to my recorder.  
Arthur's long aristocratic fingers touched it so careful, as if it was a treasure.  
"What do you think I want to listen to now,Doctor?" - He interrupted me softly.  
"I think,that you would like to hear some rock and blues maybe." - I took out the tapes and chose the great Johnny Winter.  
Arthur was watching me with interest. When first sounds of blues guitar kicked in,He slowly leaned over.  
Edgy voice of Johnny Winter cried out:  
"Woman, be careful with a fool  
You know, someday he may get smart  
Be careful with a fool"  
Arthur's body was tence,while his deep green eyes had that special glow of pleasure.  
"Yeah, you know, hate to remember  
Oh, what a fool I used to be, ha, ha  
Man, I hate to remember  
How foolish I used to be"  
Arthur's body started swinging to the rhythm. I was observing something happening to that man. When guitar solo started,he stood up with his eyes closed.  
He stepped away from the table and started moving,slowly floating through the sounds of blues. His thin hands were hanging by his sides. Something still held him back.  
Arthur was sliding his feet on the floor,like he was skating on the ice. His movements were so awkward and gracious all at the same time.  
The combination of guitar crying in pain and Arthur's slow strange dance was hypnotic. I couldn't take my eyes off of him.  
When song ended,Arthur span around and stopped. He was standing with his eyes closed. Just silence and our calm breathing.  
I could see the corners of his mouth go up,forming a normal smile.  
"Thank you." - I heard his soft whisper. In that very moment he was happy and content. I felt such a rush of excitement filling me up from within.  
It was something,that Arthur needed. The moment he could lost himself into. The moment he could feel free.


	7. Irredeemable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harleen gets to see the other side of Arthur.
> 
> Can't even describe how grateful i'm for your positive feedback!))

After that successful music therapy I was beside myself. My self-esteem went up. I found myself inspired by making Arthur relax and feel happy for a moment. It was so precious to me. I cared,because I was his psychiatrist and he was my patient. The patient,who could help me prove to everybody,what i was made of. But i felt,that it wasn't just a simple professional progress. It was so much more.  
I couldn't wait for the next day to see my patient. Even messy Gotham didn't seem as gloomy as before. I was walking down the street,feeling good about myself. Not bothered by people staring,cussing,thugs whistling at me. It seemed like even if Gotham started burning,I wouldn't give a shit.  
I had so many plans in my head,concerning my patient. It completely occupied my mind.  
I watched some TV and then I decided to have some fun. My body was craving some action. I decided to arrange a Dance marathon. All my favorite happy songs reflected my mood that day. I played Peggy March's hit "I Will Follow Him" very loudly.  
"I will follow him  
Follow him, wherever he may go  
There isn't an ocean too deep  
A mountain so high it can keep me away  
I must follow him  
Ever since he touched my hand I knew  
That near him I always must be  
And nothing can keep him from me  
He is my destiny"  
I danced around the room and sang along,not caring about my neighbours. They might thought,that i had some kind of crazy party. It was so unlike me. I lead a rather reclusive and quiet life.  
That night i finally got to fall asleep with nothing on my mind,except for Arthur's smiling face.

"Hallo!" - I woke up from a loud phone call.  
"Dr.Quinzel,I'm sorry to bother you that early,but we have some problems with your patient Fleck." - The nurse's soft voice seemed like in a dream.  
"What?What do you mean?" - I scratched my head nervously.  
"He attacked the male nurse at night." - She answered worrily.  
"But why?It doesn't make any sence." - I got up from my bed,feeling completely confused.  
"Doctor,he is criminally insane. Someone like him doesn't need any reason." - Her voice sounded distant like an echo.  
"I will be there in 15 minutes" - I hung up abruptly and jumped up to dress up.  
My mind was buzzing with thoughts and theories about what could possibly provoke Arthur. After our last therapy he was the calmest he had ever been.  
I couldn't believe,that he just attacked somebody without any reason at all.

"Finally!Doctor,your favorite patient flew off the handle." - Warden was standing with his face reflecting the severity of the situation.  
"What's happened?Where is he?" - I tried to keep my composure,trying not to give away my total confusion and frustration.  
"He cut David. We locked him up in solitary." - His little hazel eyes were piercing through me with anger.  
"Who is David?" - I asked,hiding my shaking hands in the pockets.  
"It's me,Doctor." - Familiar low voice made me turn around.  
It was the Butch. That big muscular man,who resembled a pit bul more than a human.I saw his bandaged left hand.  
"That sick clown went nutz on me.Wacko...Doctor,you've failed with your music therapy." - The Butch had his eyes fixed on me with intensity,that made me really uncomfortable.  
"I need to talk to my patient." - I said without hesitation.  
"Follow me. We gave him some sedatives to keep him down." - Warden led me to the second floor. He was walking slowly with his military posture.  
"I hope you didn't give him Triazolam. It's too strong for him." - I said nervously.  
"Don't you understand,that he is irredeemable. I think we should put him down like a rabid dog." - Warden looked at me with condescendence,completely ignoring my remark.  
"He is a human just like you and I." - The anger was boiling inside of me. I wanted to spit in his wrinkled face.  
"Really? Does it mean that we are crazy too,Doctor?" - Warden gave me his sarcastic grin and opened the door in solitary.  
I saw Arthur in a straitjacket,huddled in the corner. The room was small and painfully white. My eyes watered from that irritant brightness.  
"Arthur,do you hear me? It's me - Doctor Quinzel." - I walked in carefully. His face was covered in his dark lifeless hair.  
"Maniac" - I heard Warden's hissing.  
"Please,let me talk to him without your presence." - I looked back at him,hardly suppressing my anger.  
Warden reluctantly closed the door.  
"Arthur?" - I came up to my patient and sit down next to him.  
My heart was aching. I reached out my hand to remove the dark hair from his face. My eyes widened in horror. Arthur's face was covered in bruises.  
His eyes were closed,a thin trickle of blood streamed from the corner of his dry mouth.  
"What did they do to you?" - I took out a handkerchief and gently wiped off the blood.  
Everything in me froze in pain. The shock of seeing him like that was too much to handle.  
"Arthur,I'm going to fix it..." - I whispered,feeling the lump in my throat. What was i talking about? What was i going to fix? I still can't say.  
"Some people deserve to die,Doctor..." - Arthur's dry mouth twitched. He was trying to open his eyes.  
"No...you don't deserve this." - I gasped,holding back my tears.  
"I'm not talking about myself...Doctor." - He inhaled loudly,opening his eyes. The noise was coming out of him. It started with guttural giggling and escalated to loud obnoxious laughter.  
Tears started streaming down his face,mixing with blood.  
I moved back in horror. Arthur threw his head back and let that painful laughter take over him completely.


	8. Broken string

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The darkness is closing in on Harleen.
> 
> My exploration of the connection between Harleen and Joker,that could happen in real life. As I can see,you love my take on it. Thank you so much)) Hope you'll like this chapter too))

"Ms.Sanders,I don't understand how can you overlook the fact,that one of your patients is beaten to a pulp?" - I was standing in director's office,shaking all over.  
"Dr.Quinzel,Your patient attacked our staff member" - She was sitting at her big wooden table with a poker face.  
"This staff member has one scratch,while my patient is severely bruised." - I couldn't believe in that awful indifference.  
"Doctor,I think you take it too seriously. Go home,have a rest and soon you will continue your patient's treatment." - Ms. Sanders wanted to get rid of me as fast as she could.  
"I've made such a progress with him and now it's all in vain." - I clenched my fists,sustaining an eye contact with director.  
"Don't worry. You will get back to work." - She nodded to the door,letting me know,that our conversation was over.  
I turned around and walked out. My heart was beating so fast,as if it was about to jump out of my chest.  
I rushed through the corridor to the employee-changing area. My body was itching to take off that white coat. I walked in and went to my drawer.  
The door creaked behind me.  
"You are already leaving,Doctor." - The Butch shuffled in ponderously.  
"What did you do to him?" - As soon as i saw his pit bull face,my anger burst out.  
"I defended myself,that's all. He is insane or you've forgotten about it?" - He frowned,making a step to his drawer.  
"You could use a low-voltage electric shock,that you always have with you. Instead you acted against the protocol! You simply beat him up!" - I couldn't repress myself anymore,walking up to him.  
"Doctor,you weren't there,so you can't know for sure. Why do you care so much about that stupid clown?" - The Butch closed his drawer loudly,giving me all of his attention.  
"He is my patient. I protect his rights." - I snarled,defiantly looking up at him.  
"It's a very unusual thing for an unbiased psychiatrist. Maybe you just have a soft spot for a scrawny wackos?" - He bared his yellow teeth,reducing the space between us.  
"How dare you?I'm a professional!" - I moved back from him instinctively.  
"Are you really? You think i'm too dumb not to notice the way you look at that sick clown" - His eyes narrowed with malice.  
It left me speechless for a moment. My mind still couldn't digest the fact,that i crossed the line with my patient and somebody could notice it.  
"It's nonsense!You have no right to..." - I started stuttering nervously.  
"I think you need a real man to show you how it's done,sweetie. I can help you with it." - The Butch whispered,moving closer to me with a lustful grin.  
"The real man would never hurt somebody defenceless and weak." - My body froze in place from familiar disgust and terror,that the Butch triggered in me.  
"You better think about my offer. It's once in a lifetime opportunity." - He reached out his hand to touch me.  
Finally i found the strength to push him away. Of course I didn't hurt him,but it helped me to increase the distance between us.  
"Don't you ever come near me! I won't let you get away with what you did to my patient." - I hissed with menace like a feral cat.  
"Oh,yeah? How are you going to do it?" - He laughed non-chalantly.  
"I'm going to appeal to administration,don't doubt me." - I took my handbag and headed to the door.  
"Anyway i wiped that stupid happy smile off of his face. Music therapy?! Bullshit!" - He spat at my back angrily.  
I stopped,finally realizing what really happened.  
"You're a sadist!" - I turned around,trying to hold back the tears.  
"Maybe you want to treat me too,Doctor?" - He licked his lips,winking at me.  
I couldn't stand it any longer and stormed out of the room.

When i finally got home,my anger morphed into something scary. My whole body was shaking uncontrollably. I didn't have such stress for a long time. I needed something to relax.  
"Prick." - I mumbled,taking out a bottle of red wine,that I bought 2 years ago.  
My headache was so intense,that i was afraid my head might exploded. I drank two glasses of wine one by one in one gulp. After some time my headache started to fade away.  
I decided to make some phone calls and try to make a difference for Arthur. That sadist Butch had to be fired. But everywhere I turned to i got one answer:  
"I'm sorry,but you have to go to your director and file a complaint." And maybe, only maybe they would consider it. I saw Ms.Sander's indifference and cruelty. She couldn't care less.  
After useless hours of calling and asking,trying to get through,I was completely exhausted. Mentally,not physically.  
"I think you need a real man to show you how it's done,sweetie." The Butch's voice stuck in my head. His insidious grin made me sick to my stomach.  
I had a very hard time with men and letting them into my life. It was one of my major phobias. I always felt their eyes on me,but it made me feel more uncomfortable,than flattered.  
That brute beat Arthur so hard,because of me. It was my fault. The rage inside of me was overwhelming.  
"Dammit!" - I screamed at the top of my lungs and threw a half-full bottle of wine against the wall.  
I had to sleep,i needed to sleep. 

"What's wrong with her?" - My mother's voice sounded worried. I couldn't see anything,just a blurry silhouette.  
"Puberty. Nothing special." - The familiar baritone interfered.  
"She is crying all the time and doesn't eat at all" - I could sence my mother's presence right next to me.  
"I'll talk to her." - The baritone vanished in the sounds of my own crying.  
"Harleen,I know you hear me." - I heard the whisper right in my ear.  
"Stop!Don't touch me!" - I felt my body tense up defiantly.  
Finally, I managed to see around me.  
I was standing in the middle of the living room in my parent's flat. There was a long brown couch and somebody was sitting there,watching TV.  
"You're completely useless,Doctor." - I recognized Butch's gruff voice.  
"Leave me alone." - My voice sounded like a broken string.  
"The whore will always be a whore,Harleen." - The baritone coldly uttered from the same body.  
I wanted to see,who was actually sitting on the couch,but my body was refusing to move. The horror took over me.  
"Just stop pretending. Let it go. I'm always here waiting for you,my little doll." - Finally,the man looked back at me.  
Those big hazel eyes,that long nose and that pointed chin. I knew that man too well.  
It felt like someone sucked all air from my lungs. I was opening my mouth like a fish,thrown out of water.  
"Daddy..." - I heard my teeth chatter.  
A cold hand touched my shoulder and I turned around swiftly. Arthur's face was inches away,covered in bruises.  
I felt such a relief,when i saw him. His green eyes were glimmering with understanding and warmth.  
"Some people deserve to die,Doctor." - Arthur whispered softly,caressing me with his voice. My hand moved towards him for support. I couldn't control it.  
My subconscious was functioning on it's own.  
Arthur looked down at my shaking hand and took it,inhaling loudly. His long fingers felt cold and warm all at the same time.  
The sensation of his nearness made me feel so safe and I closed my eyes,stepping forward.


	9. Presumable Sanity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arthur tests Harleen...
> 
> and We all are here for it,aren't we?))

I woke up with a strange mix of dizziness and calmness. My mind was at ease. I spent some time just staring at the ceiling. My nightmares were always hopeless,but that time Arthur brought the light into my darkness. Was i unnerved by my patient making me feel safe and giving me an escape from my personal hell? A little bit. It was something,that never happened to me before.  
I made myself a breakfast and sat down at the little table. While i was chewing my tasteless porridge,I noticed a big brown cockroach sitting in the corner, wiggling his antennas.  
It didn't bother me somehow. I calmly watched him run under the dresser. 

"These little bastards! They are everywhere. We need to check our basement and kill them all!" - I walked out of my apartment and heard a loud female voice.  
It was our house committee Molly - a big fat loudmouth woman with a rather kind heart. Molly was the only one,who helped me,when I just moved in here.  
I didn't have a penny in my pocket. She would come to visit me with food,and never made me pay for it or do something in return. If it wasn't for her, I would die from hunger.  
"Harleen, have you seen these big brown punks?" - Molly noticed me,coming to her.  
"Yes. I saw one in my kitchen. Rather impressive specimen." - I smiled at her ironically.  
"I bought poisonous powder. Here take some." - Molly took out a little yellow package with a picture of black cockroach on it.  
"Be careful. It's highly poisonous." - She handed me that package and went to her flat,still blabbering something about stupid brown assholes.

The closer I got to Arkham,the sicker I felt. I didn't want to see Warden and the Butch,but i needed to see Arthur. I promised to never give up on him. I walked in and saw a familiar big figure of the Butch,standing among other male nurses. He looked back and saw me. I felt chills of disgust running down my spine. I couldn't look in his direction. Walking past them, I heard Butch say something and then everybody laughed loudly. I knew,that they were mocking me. But I kept on going with my head held up high,though everything inside of me was turning up side down.  
I put on my white coat and went to the room for therapy sessions.  
"Doctor!" - I heard Warden's voice.  
I stopped reluctantly.  
"I heard about your complaint. Ms.Sanders told me. I thought,that it would be better for the patient and David not to cross paths. Fleck will be accompanied by another male nurse from this day on.I hope you're satisfied." - Warden's condescending tone matched his face perfectly.  
"I will be satisfied,when David is punished for breaking the rules." - I said,hiding my disdain behind a serious face.  
"Doctor,you're pushing your luck. Be careful." - Warden's eyes narrowed,making him resemble a snake.  
I didn't say a word in return, just gave him my pocker face,turned around and walked away. They all wanted me to be silent and take everything they threw at me,not knowing what I was capable of. 

"Good day,Arthur." - My patient shuffled in,limping on right leg. He was accompanied by a bald muscled guy,who was a little a bit taller,than Arthur. I saw that man around Butch a lot. He led Arthur to the chair.  
"Thank you." - I nodded to him,trying to be polite. His reaction was emotionless. He just walked out right away.  
"Arthur,are you ok?" - My eyes locked on my patient's fragile figure. He was more stooped than ever before.The bruises on his pale face were still red and fresh.  
"I'm fine,Doctor. Nothing unusual for me." - His eyes were fixed on the handcuffs.  
I felt a cold stab right in my heart from his words.  
"I know what really happened. He beat you up." - My mind was preoccupied by the idea of letting Arthur know,that I was on his side.  
"Doctor,do you really care?" - He finally looked up at me. Arthur's big green eyes were full of doubt and disbelief.  
"I care...if only i could protect you from this injustice and cruelty." - I clenched my fingers,feeling completely helpless.  
"How can you protect somebody from the integral part of himself?" - Arthur's mouth twitched with familiar pain in his big eyes.  
"There's always a light at the end of the tunnel,I know it from my own experience." - I uttered,remembering my strange nightmare.  
"Why do you come here everyday,Doctor? What's the reason? Why would anybody spend his life talking to mentally disturbed?" - Arthur leaned over with heavy suspicion on his pale bruised face.  
I felt his green eyes piercing right through me. He wanted me to be honest with him. He took that session under his control.  
"It started long time ago. At first I had a very selfish motive. I needed to help myself." - I whispered under my breath. Nothing could be harder,than exposing your wounds to somebody.  
"Doctor...your appearance tells a different story. You could be married with children by now. Normal stable life...but you're here with me." - His voice was tender and warm,while his green eyes were burning me with something,that i still couldn't decipher. It wasn't anger or hatred,it was something else.  
I opened my mouth to change the topic,but nothing came out. We were just staring at each other silently.  
"I've been holding myself back all my life,fighting for balance...defying the gravity. What for? But once I let it go,everything became so easy,Doctor.  
What a bliss it is to give in." - Arthur's green eyes darkened as he started talking,wrapping me up in his voice. Every word felt like a tender caress.  
I found myself leaning closer,trying to catch every syllable coming from his mouth. The combination of Arthur's big green eyes and his soft lulling voice entranced me.  
When he stopped talking,I was waiting for him to continue. I craved for more.  
"Doctor,have you ever lost control?" - My patient asked me,looking dead in my eye. It felt like he could see right through me.  
My heart was jumping out of my chest. I couldn't catch my breath.  
My confusion couldn't go unnoticed by Arthur. The corners of his mouth slowly went up,forming a cunning smile.  
"Try it sometime,Doctor. There's no reason to torture yourself everyday for presumable sanity" - He whispered,mischievously tilting his head.  
"I don't think..." - I started mumbling,when i felt a touch on my hand.  
I looked down and saw Arthur's long pale finger,gently caressing me. I must have moved my hands too close to his,that he could reach it.  
My whole body reacted to that soft touch,as if it was an electric shock. I jumped up from the table,completely smitten. The chair overturned and fell under me.  
"Doctor,did i do something wrong?" - Arthur made a grimace of innocent surprise,widening his big green eyes. He resembled a schoolboy,who knew really well, that what he did was wrong. But it was so much fun. He just couldn't help it.  
"It's against the rules,Arthur. You can't do this." - I gasped,trying to regain my composure.  
"Really? I'm sorry..." - Arthur raised his hands,covering his mouth. It was so endearing to see him goof around like a child.  
"Arthur." - I shook my head reproachfully,trying to repress myself from smiling.  
"This poor thing feels personally attacked as much as you do." - He nodded to the miserable chair on the floor.  
I choked on a giggle,feeling an incredible rush of excitement and easiness. Arthur's face lit up,when he saw me breaking into a broad smile.


	10. Cockroaches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harleen is falling.
> 
> Hope to hear your thoughts about this chapter))

"What is going on with me? I'm a professional,not an amateur. But I don't feel like a psychiatrist,when I'm with Arthur. It's not right." - I was thinking to myself,standing in the subway and waiting for the train. People around me were all grumpy and sad. Their faces had the same expression of vacancy.  
It was such a big contrast with what I experienced with Arthur. I felt so happy and calm. Talking to him became something,that I was waiting for.  
He was the only person,I wanted to communicate with. There were an enigma and a strange kinship. I was afraid of what he brought out in me. Arthur looked like a weak fragile and completely powerless man,but it was just on the surface. I had to regain control of situation,until it was too late.  
Finally,I got in the subway train and sat down. My eyes instantly stopped on a little girl with a father,sitting infront of me. Her white dress with little strawberries caught my attention. It resembled the dress,that my mother bought me for my 12th birthday. I felt a rush of disgust rising inside. The flashbacks of that birthday started reeling in my mind. That little girl was giggling joyfully,while her father was tickling her. They looked so out of place in that Gotham's typical gloomy environment. I looked away,feeling agonizing pain crashing me from within.  
I got home and saw cockroaches running around my flat like they owned it.  
"Shit." - I grunted irritably,remembering Molly's poisonous powder.  
I started strewing it in the corners,feeling disillusioned by the state of my life. It would be completely meaningless,if it wasn't for my patient.  
When I went to bed,I could hear cockroaches stomping around in the dark. It seemed so loud. Their tap dancing made me mad.  
After an hour of torture,I jumped up from my bed and turned on the lights. I took a big heavy boot and started the midnight hunt. I bet it looked like a bad horror movie with a blonde girl running after big brown cockroaches and frantically squashing them with her boot. All my anger and frustration,that i kept inside, poured out of me. I channeled it on poor insects. When I finally killed the last one,I felt such a strong relief. I sat on my bed,trying to catch my breath.  
My head became clear and light. The corpses of cockroaches were lying everywhere,like a proud reminder of my victory over them. I couldn't help but smile about it. 

"Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday,Dear Harley! Happy Birthday to you!" Loud squeaky female voice dueted with low baritone.  
I was standing behind the door,frozen with fear.  
"Honey,come in!We're waiting!" - I heard Mom's joyful voice.  
I opened the door and walked in. They were sitting behind a big table with a beautiful birthday cake.  
"You look marvelous!" - My Mother gasped,clapping her hands.  
"Harleen,it's you birthday. Why are you so sad? " - The man beside her was smiling at me.  
I had a sickening feeling in my gut.  
"Just look at yourself,Honey." - My Mother pointed to the left.  
I turned and saw the reflection of myself in the big mirror - I was standing in that white dress with little strawberries and two ponytails by each side.  
I covered my face with my shaking hands.  
"Harleen,don't cry. Come here...Sit on my lap." - I heard the low baritone,that sounded suspiciously tender.  
I opened my eyes to find him in the armchair. The lights were dim.  
"Where's Mom?" - I mumbled fearfully.  
"She is asleep. I can tell you a fairytale." - He tapped his knee,burning me with his hazel eyes.  
My legs started moving towards him,while I was crying inside.  
"Come here,my little doll." - He reached out his hand with a painfully familiar vile grin on his face.  
"No! Never again!" - I finally managed to open my mouth and scream at the top of my lungs.  
His face slowly morphed into a dark circle and then turned into a cockroach's head.  
I woke up in my bed,soaked in my sweat. Feeling dirty and devastated. 

"Harleen,I heard strange noises at night. Is everything all right?" - Molly was sweeping the corridor.  
"Yeah,I was getting rid of cockroaches." - I said,giving her a non-chalant smile.  
"Oh. I thought my powder could help." - She wasn't able to hide her surprise.  
"Molly,It was working too slow and I decided to take matters into my own hands." - I uttered,trying to sound humorous.  
"I hope they won't reappear again. Can't stand them." - She exhaled irritably.  
"They won't. Once you're dead,there's no going back,right?" - I chuckled with an awkward smile on my face.  
"I guess so." - Molly didn't understand my humour at all. Her face looked puzzled.  
I turned around and walked out. 

My head was still occupied by my awful nightmare. I couldn't help but think about it. Maybe talking to Arthur could help me put my mind at ease.  
"Hello,Arthur" - As soon as I saw his pale face, I felt a relief.  
Arthur looked at me with a barely noticeable smile. At last his bruises started healing.  
The bald guy stood there,watching us.  
"You can go. Thank you." - I said sternly.  
I heard him shuffling away. My whole attention was given to my patient.  
"Doctor,may i ask something?" - After watching me nervously scroll through my notebook,Arthur said with a strange tone of the voice,that sounded worried.  
"Yes. Of course." - I looked up swiftly.  
"You look unusually dishevelled today...What's happened?" - Arthur whispered,leaning over,as if somebody could hear us.  
To say that i was surprised,would be an understatement. He saw right through me or I forgot to brush my hair. I petted my head,checking it.  
"The look on your face. Something has changed,Doctor." - Arthur's green eyes were examining me with medical precision.  
"No. Everything is the same,Arthur." - I mumbled under my nose,avoiding his intense gaze.  
"Don't lie to me...Doctor. Remember,you promised me." - He said,frowning. The tone of demand and authority,that I never heard in his voice before,shocked me.  
I was staring at him,feeling torn apart by the need to be professional and an urge to share with him my pain.  
"Talk to me." - Arthur's big green eyes were hypnotizing me.  
"I had a very rough night. Cockroaches. They invaded my apartment and I spent the night squashing them." - I couldn't keep it inside of me and I didn't want to.  
After couple of seconds of silent staring,Arthur broke into laughter. But not his sick painful obnoxious one. It was a gleeful sincere laughter.  
"Doctor,you should be celebrating! This is great! But you look sad" - He was obviously amused by my little story. His hands were resting on the table,while he was tapping his long aristocratic fingers in a peculiar rhythm.  
"Well,they didn't let me sleep and...I had to kill them all." - I said,feeling how my strained muscles started relaxing.  
"How did you feel afterwards? Relief and no regret?" - The mischievous glow in his eyes changed into serious and dark.  
"Yes. I could finally rest..." - I felt like i was answering a different question. Something didn't feel right.  
"This is how it works,Doctor. You just squash you problems and feel free." - Arthur closed his eyes,remembering something.  
"Let's change the topic. We need to talk about your past. I know,that it can make you feel uncomfortable,but we can't avoid it anymore." - I coughed nervously and tried to get back on track with my therapy session.  
"Ask me anything,Doctor." - Arthur slowly opened his eyes.  
"Let's talk about your mother. What kind of memories do you have,when you think about her. She was the only close person in your life." - I crossed my hands,trying to sound empathetic.  
Arthur's face strained in an instant.  
"I know she is dead and it's hard to talk about it. But we have to." - I felt ashamed for pushing him back into the darkness.  
"It wasn't my mother. There's nothing sad about her death,Doctor. I still remember the moment I strangled her with a pillow. It was my ticket to freedom" - His green eyes narrowed with malice,while he clenched his fingers.  
My mind went blank for a moment. His mother's death was from natural causes in his file. No one knew,that he killed her.  
"This is why I ended up here. I don't feel regret or remorse,Doctor. My so-called "mother" ruined my life and I squashed her like you squashed a cockroach, that bothered and angered you. Why should we tolerate people who disrespect us,who mock and hurt us?! Just because we have to be patient and let them kill us from inside?! Why are they happy,while we are miserable? No,Doctor!No more of this in my life! - He was gradually raising his voice,turning it into a roar of a wild beast. His green eyes were burning with hatred.  
The most horrific thing about that speech was that I understood it. I knew what he was talking about. It scared me to the bone.  
"Thank you for your honesty,Arthur." - My mouth went dry. It seemed like the walls were caving in around me.  
"You're pale,Doctor. I hope I didn't scare you." - His eyes changed in a millisecond. The rage was gone.  
"No. It's just...Unfortunately,I know how it feels like to be hurt by the closest people." - My head definitely stopped working properly.  
"I bet they hurt you pretty badly,that you ended up here with me." - Arthur's face seemed too close. He was listening attentively,as if we traded places.  
I felt weak and pathetic in that moment. My patient was helping me. My patient was asking questions,putting me on the same level with him.  
I failed miserably.  
"Arthur,I think we need to stop this session. We will continue next time." - The lump in my throat was preventing me from speaking.  
"Maybe next time you will tell me the whole story,Doctor." - His soft voice echoed in the room. It sounded like a prophecy.  
I stood up and silently walked to the door. For a second I wanted to look back,but stopped myself and opened the door.  
There were Warden and Butch,standing among other nurses. The Bald guy was there too.  
"This time it was a quickie,Doctor. What a shame. He didn't last long." - I heard Butch's gruff vile mockery.  
The tears started streaming down treacherously. I rushed past him,covering my face.  
"Clown's slut" - The Butch spat at my back.  
I clenched my fists,pressing the nails into the skin.  
In that very moment I wanted to erase that scum from the face of the earth. He was just a cockroach,that deserved to be squashed.


	11. What is happiness?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harleen goes down the rabbit hole)
> 
> I'm so inspired by your feedback!Thank you so much))

"Worthless!" - I hissed as soon as i came home,throwing my handbag against the wall. My stupid idea of being a successful and famous psychiatrist was going down the drain.  
I couldn't hide my frustration from my patient. My composure betrayed me. Arthur made me feel weak and completely naked before his attentive green eyes. It unnerved me.  
It was unbearable. But at the same time it was something that I longed for. Some people say,that pleasure and pain come hand in hand. Maybe it was just a natural need to have somebody in your life,that you could talk to. I was so lonely. I had no one.  
My apartment reflected my state of mind. It was messy as never before. The corpses of cockroaches were everywhere. I had to sweep them away,but I had no energy left in me.  
I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. My face was pale with huge dark circles under the eyes.  
"Clown's slut." Butch's voice resonated in my head.  
I opened my mouth and cried out in pain,breaking the mirror with my bare hand. I didn't feel any pain,even though my hand was bleeding.  
I slid on the floor among broken pieces of the mirror.  
"Harleen! What's going on? Open the door." - I heard Molly's voice.  
Slowly I crawled out of the bathroom.  
"Harleen,please.Open the door." - Her loud voice sounded genuinely worried.  
I stood up and walked to the door.  
"Molly,I'm alright." - I opened the door,trying to give her a smile.  
"Oh,my God!Harleen,you're bleeding." - She rushed to me with horror on her round face.  
"It's just a scratch." - I whispered under my breath,feeling dizzy.  
"Come here. I will bandage it." - Molly took me under the arm and lead me to her apartment.  
I followed her docilely.

"Harleen,no matter what happened,you have to hold on. Don't do stupid things." - Molly was fussing around me,offering me everything she had in her fridge.  
"Thank you,Molly. Just a nervous breakdown...i'll make it through." - I felt better,seeing Molly's efforts to help me out.  
"When i was younger,I had such a breakdown. It was unrequited love. Crazy hormones,you know." - She smiled and winked at me. I bet Molly thought,that my problem was similar.  
After spending some time in her apartment,I returned to mine and finally decided to clean up. All dead cockroaches were thrown away. But my mind still wasn't lucid.  
When i was cleaning the floor in the kitchen,I saw an open yellow package of poisonous powder. I must have dropped it the other night. It wasn't empty.  
There was some powder left. I was staring at that little thing with strange sickening feeling.  
Arthur's passionate voice popped up in my head again. His rage was so familiar to me. The constant painful memories,that make your  
life a living hell. It's eating away your sanity piece by piece. People,who hurt you keep on living,breathing,smiling,as if nothing happened. It's unfair.  
How can you numb it? How can you ease this pain? Maybe instead of facing your demons,you have to kill them.

"Good day,sir." - I walked in Arkham,greeting Warden with a broad smile on my face.  
"Good day,Doctor. You are early today." - Warden's face fell in surprise.  
"Yes,I'm. Ready to work." - I pretended to be enthusiastic as never before.  
"Good to hear it." - He smiled at me,while his eyes were vacant just like his heart.  
I headed to the employee-changing area. There was a small room right next to it,where stuff members would gather for coffee breaks. It was empty.  
I saw tea and coffee pots with a lot of cups and glasses. When I heard somebody's footsteps,I rushed out not to be noticed. 

"Arthur,hello." - I stood up,greeting my patient. Arthur's fragility stopped looking as a sign of weakness to me. His appearance was soaked in grace.  
I noticed a new shade of warmth in his green eyes. The Bald guy was about to leave,when I stopped him.  
"Can you take off the handcuffs,please." - My voice sounded confident.  
"Are you sure,Doctor?" - The Bald guy seemed to feel uneasy with my demand.  
"Of course." - I said sternly. Arthur's mouth twitched,forming a half smile.  
The Bald guy looked at Arthur with visible disdain and fear,reluctantly setting his hands free.  
When he walked out,Arthur started giggling.  
"He is afraid of you,Arthur." - I couldn't help but smile.  
"I would be too,if i were him. You see,I told him a funny joke. But he didn't get it." - Arthur's eyes were shining with mischief.  
"I'm so glad,that you're in a good mood today. What was the joke about?" - I could feel how his presence made every muscle in my body relax.  
"Doctor,I heard them talk about you...nasty words. The only thing I could do is to make them laugh. I heard that Bald guy just got married,so I had some wishes for him and his wife." - Arthur's eyes narrowed as he whispered with strange tenderness in his voice.  
My heart skipped the beat from the thought of Arthur standing up for my honour.  
"I don't know what to say." - I mumbled,feeling my cheeks burn up.  
"You're always kind to me...but I still don't know your name. "Doctor" is so impersonal and cold. - His big green eyes were glimmering.  
I opened my mouth,but nothing came out.  
"He is your patient. Don't even think about it." - My logical side stuttered. But my heart was jumping out of my chest and the need to get closer to Arthur was extreme.  
"Harleen Quinzel." - My voice sounded raspy and dry. Nothing could stop me from talking,my brain stopped controlling me.  
"Harleen...I won't forget this name." - Arthur's mouth tasted my name slowly and gently with a blissful smile on his face.  
What did i feel in that moment? I felt undiluted happiness.  
The last time I experienced such a pure rush of joy was long time ago,when I was a child.  
My mother took me to the amusement park for the first time in my life.


	12. One,two,three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harleen's barriers come crashing down.
> 
> Your feedback keeps me going))Thank you!

The trip back home was long. I spent hours,walking along Gotham's street. My mind was captured by Arthur being protective over me. It seemed surreal.  
I remembered my first session with him. We came a long way since then. Arthur didn't care about anything concerning me,but he changed. He asked my name.  
He stood up for me. The thought of him caring about me made me so excited and happy.  
I came home,when it was getting dark. After having a dinner,I felt the urge to listen to music. I chose Janis Joplin's tape.  
"Love's got a hold on me, baby,  
Feels just like a ball and chain.  
Now, love's just draggin' me down, baby, yeah,  
Feels like a ball and chain."  
Her raspy high voice was piercing me with her passion and pain. Psychedelic guitar made me forget about everything. It struck me to the core,hitting all the right spots,resounding through my body like thunder.  
I stood up,letting my hair down. I closed my eyes and just gave myself to the music without anything holding me back.  
"Hey, hope there is someone that could tell me  
Hon', tell me why,  
Hon', tell me why love is like  
Just like a ball  
Just like a ball  
And a chain."  
I fell on my bed,catching my breath with a sincere broad smile on my face.

"Doctor,I don't know what's happening to her. She doesn't have fever. It's not a flue. But she just lays there,shaking all over." - My mother was whispering  
to a small middle aged man with glasses.  
"I think it's a nervous breakdown. There has to be something very stressful for her." - He walked up to me,while the door opened quietly.The tall  
lean man,that I hated and feared,came in.  
"Sweetie,tell me. What's happened? Maybe someone hurt you lately." - Doctor's compassionate eyes fixed on me.  
How much I wanted to tell him the truth! I opened my mouth,but couldn't speak. The horror of my father's presence was unbearable.  
"She needs to sleep.Give her two pills. I'll come by tomorrow." - Doctor headed out,leaving me on my bed. My Mother rushed after him.  
"Harleen,be a good girl and keep your mouth shut. No one will believe you anyway." - My father came up to me and leaned over,taking my shaking hand.  
His hazel eyes were staring me down as if i was just a garbage on the street.  
My mind was consumed by pain. I yanked my hand out and pushed him away with all my might. He moved back,swinging from side to side. His eyes widened with shock.  
I saw him gripping his stomach.  
"What have you done!" - He hissed with malice.  
I looked down and saw a knife in my hand,covered in blood. He fell down on his back.  
"Harleen...help me." - I heard his pleading.  
I slowly came up to him and stood above him,feeling nothing but intense rush of thrill. The man,who hurt me the most,was squirming like a little worm under my feet.  
I was in control.  
I heard clapping behind me.  
"Good job,Harleen. That's so easy,isn't it?" - Arthur was standing in his white hospital pyjamas.  
His dark hair was brushed back neatly,he looked healthier than ever.  
In that moment I realized what I did.  
"Don't worry. The first time is the hardest." - Arthur came closer to check on my father,bleeding out on the floor. No remorse,no compassion or fear. Just a cynical grin on his face.  
I covered my face,falling into the darkness.

Standing infront of the mirror, I felt confused and lost. That nightmare felt so real. I could even smell blood. The power,that i felt was so intense.  
I was always defenceless before my father. But when i saw him begging me for help, I felt strong. That power was intoxicating. I wanted it.  
"What's going on with me?" I thought to myself. The rage and pain occupied my mind. It needed to be channeled somewhere.

"Have you heard that clown laugh all night? Stupid freak.Couldn't shut up,man. I would beat his jaw out,but Warden told me to hold it.The Mayor wants  
another psych evaluation next week" - I was walking past the room,when I heard Butch's gruff voice.  
I stopped,listening carefully.  
"Yeah. He wants him to be a poster boy for their incredible new therapy. Make sure,that people see how powerful and humanistic he is,if his approach can fix the craziest."-  
The other guy's voice sounded distant and soft compared to Butch's.  
"Hell yes. This Mayor thinks,that it will help him to be elected for the second time." - The Butch's voice echoed in my ears.  
"This little Blonde made some progress. He doesn't act like a comatose vegetable anymore. I wonder what she does to him." - I heard the other guy's chuckle.  
"She is a frigid little bitch. I bet they both get off on staring at each other." - The Butch hissed loudly.  
"Like Warden said "she is his little toy for now". Once he is no longer a valuable asset,we will get rid of him" - The other guy's voice seemed so soft and gentle in contrast with what he was saying. It was not a big deal for him at all. Mundane thing.  
I felt my head started spinning. It was too much to take in. I shuffled through the corridor to the session room.

"Good day,Arthur." - My voice cracked treacherously,when my patient walked in.  
Arthur looked better. His face wasn't sickly pale anymore. His big green eyes seemed beaming with life. It was so painful for me to see him doing so much better,while I knew what was coming for him. My heart was pounding in my ears.  
When the Bald guy left the room, I exhaled loudly. My patient was sitting infront of me,but I couldn't look him in the eye. I felt guilt,as if I was to blame for his fate.  
"Harleen." - I heard Arthur's soft voice resounding in my ears. The way he spoke my name was so relaxing and tender.  
"I'm sorry,Arthur. I've got swept away by some thoughts." - I shook my head vigorously,trying to suppress the tears.  
"What kind of thoughts?" - Arthur's eyes were serious.  
"I feel like i'm failing you. I'm not doing enough." - I said with a lump in my throat.  
"You listen to me...I can feel you don't pretend and you don't ignore me. No one was as kind to me as you." - Arthur leaned over,trying to look deep in my eyes. His intense gaze seemed to capture my soul.  
I was staring at him,trying to collect myself.  
"Today I woke up with a happy smile on my face. You know why?" - Arthur's voice got lower,while he squinted his green eyes.  
"No clue." - I mumbled,feeling like a little kid,whose parents were trying to make him stop crying.  
"Because I knew,that I would see you,Harleen." - Arthur's mouth slowly formed a smile. He raised one eyebrow flirtatiously.  
I felt warm shivers running down my spine. It was a cheeky side of Arthur,that I didn't know existed.  
I found myself,shyly tucking my hair behind a ear. The tears,that were forming in my eyes,dried out.  
"Oh,you're blushing,Doctor Harleen." - Arthur chuckled,obviously satisfied with my reaction.  
"Arthur,we need to stop. Let's go back to our session." - I cleared my throat,trying to cover up a treacherous smile on my face.  
"Whatever you say,Doctor." - Arthur straightened up and showed me his best version of a serious face. That expression was so childish and fake.  
I couldn't help but giggle.  
"I love your smile. It's so bright." - Arthur's green eyes travelled down to my lips. I remembered our first therapy session. He did the same thing.  
It felt so right in that moment. My mind refused to register how wrong it actually was.  
"Arthur." - I whispered tenderly,automatically moving my hands closer to his. It was an uncontrollable urge.  
Non of us wanted to have a real session. There was so much tension and attraction,that I wasn't able to ignore it no more.  
"I'm hearing music right now. It's a waltz." - Finally, Arthur broke the silence.  
"Tell me how it goes." - I whispered,completely lost in that moment.  
"There is a piano...and a violin. One,two,three...One,two,three." - Arthur closed his eyes and started swinging from side to side to the rhythm.  
"One,two,three." - I repeated after him,feeling the warmth filling me up from within. My body picked up Arthur's rhythm and I started moving with him.  
"Just close your eyes and you will hear it..." - His mouth moved slowly. I found myself doing just so.  
I didn't want to resist. I couldn't resist anymore. The sounds of waltz echoed in my head,making me forget where I was and who I was.


	13. Madness is Contagious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title says it all.
> 
> This chapter took me longer to write) I hope you'll like it!)) Please let me know what you think))

"Hello. Can I help you?" - A tall guy in a blue oversized T-shirt greeted me.  
I looked around a big video store. It had the largest archive in Gotham.  
"Yes. You see I'm preparing a report on the night the Riot started. Remember,the night the Waynes were killed. I'm a journalist." - I said without hesitation.  
"Hell yes. It's impossible to forget. What exactly do you need?" - The guy was willing to help me.  
"The recording of that talk show,when host was shot live on TV" - I smiled at him,looking right in his eyes.  
"Yeah. That tape was so popular 3 years ago. Give me a minute." - He mumbled nervously. I noticed how he blushed.  
The guy rushed to the other end of the store.  
My head was heavy. I just wanted to see that recording. I wanted to see Arthur do what he infamously did.  
After couple of minuted,the guy came back with a cassette in his hand.  
"Here it is. Do you want to buy it or maybe watch it here?" - He mumbled,waiting for my answer.  
In my mind I thought,that if i bought the cassette,it would look more suspicious.  
"Can I just watch it here?" - I said non-chalantly.  
He smiled and put it in.  
As soon as I saw Arthur dance into the studio,my heart started pounding. His clown make up,colourful suit and the smile. All felt so familiar. I saw it once,but I looked at it differently. Never would have thought,that I would feel such an intense emotion towards the murderous clown. Arthur's voice sounded so high and overly theatrical.  
"The craziest freak I've ever seen. And you can believe me, I've seen a lot." - The guy's remark burst into my ears.  
I looked at him. He was smiling at me,waiting for my approval.  
"It’s just, you know, it’s been a rough few weeks, Murray. Ever since I killed those three Wall Street guys." - Arthur's voice made me continue watching. He seemed unfazed by confessing his crimes on TV.  
"And why should we believe you?" - The host was completely smitten.  
"I’ve got nothing left to lose. Nothing can hurt me anymore." - Arthur smiled bitterly. I felt chills running down my spine. It really hit home.  
Nothing but sorrow and pain. Nothing but broken dreams and hopes.  
"I’ll tell you what you get! You get what you f**king deserve!" - The rage in Arthur's voice echoed through me,capturing my mind.  
When he shot the host in the head and everyone started screaming,I felt a strange thrill. Arthur stood up and danced to the camera. His movements were awkwardly endearing.  
"Goodnight. And always remember, that’s..." - He pointed the camera at himself.  
He got cut off,but I knew the last word.  
"Life." - I mumbled under my nose,smiling.  
"So..." - Someone's voice came in,bringing me back to reality.  
"Oh,I'm sorry. I have to write a column on this topic. Can you play it one more time. I will write it down." - I shook my head,feeling adrenaline pumping in my veins.  
The guy was obviously taken aback,but he played it again. I pretended to write the quotes of the host,but I payed attention only to Arthur's words.  
Everything about that horrific event fascinated me. It felt like a performance in the experimental theater. I found it brilliant.  
"Thank you so much." - I took out 20 bucks and gave to the guy,who wanted to say something. But at the last moment changed his mind.  
I gave him my broad smile and headed to exit.  
"What's the name of newspaper? I will read your column." - I heard the guy's voice.  
"The Gotham Times." - My head quickly generated the answer.  
"Cool." - He gave me a thumbs up and I smiled back at him,feeling exhilarated.

"Harleen." - I was hearing Arthur's soft calming voice saying my name. There was something special about the way he pronounced it. His "Harleen" sounded breathy and cosy. I wanted to vanish in that sound. I've never heard anyone say my name like that.  
Laying on my bed,I remembered the conversation that Butch and other nurse had. "She is his little toy for now" echoed in my mind. The rage in me was growing stronger.  
"Once he is no longer a valuable asset,we will get rid of him" repeated over and over again. I couldn't stand a thought of those sadists. Their faces and their voices were engraved in my memory. How could anybody be so cruel and cynical?  
I jumped up in my bed,clenching my teeth. I had to do something. The anger was driving me crazy. I couldn't let those bastards hurt Arthur.

"Good day,sir." - I walked in Arkham,greeting Warden. He stood motionless.  
"Doctor,nice to see you." - Warden's snaky eyes couldn't be colder and more detached.  
I smiled at him and headed to staff area. My head was heavy with thoughts buzzing in my mind,but my broad smile was on.  
I put on my white coat,hearing loud voices in the next room. They were discussing somebody. Probably me.  
I peeked through the door to see who was there. There were almost everyone. The Butch was sitting with his legs crossed. He was drinking coffee from a purple cup.  
"Guys" - Warden's voice resonated through the corridor. I rushed back to the changing room.  
"Come on. It won't take long" - The Butch and everyone shuffled out reluctantly.  
Once they were out of sight,I walked back to the room. The purple cup was half full with hot black coffee,standing among other cups.  
I put my shaking hand in my left pocket and took out the yellow package. The black cockroach on the package seemed to be staring at me.  
My heart was racing. I could stop,turn around and walk away. But something was controlling me. There was the idea,that invaded my mind.  
I knew I had to do it for Arthur. I wanted to do it for myself.  
I poured poisonous powder from the yellow package into the cup. My hand was shaking franticly. I spilt out some powder on the table.  
"Shit." - I hissed nervously,wiping it away with my hand. The voices in the corridor made my heart sink.  
I took a spoon and stirred coffee hurriedly. I stormed out of the room and hid in the dressing room. I could hear them talk,but I couldn't understand what exactly. My temples were squeezing my head like vice. Everything was in the blur. "What if the Butch won't drink it?" resonated in my mind. The chances were 50/50. But i was willing to take that risk. In that moment nothing mattered,as if I wasn't myself.  
I don't know how long I sat there,staring at the wall. The question was circling in my head. "How long it will take the poison to work? Instantly or it will take some time?"  
One part of me craved to see the effect it would have on Butch. I wanted to watch him suffer.  
My thoughts were like torrents,running unbridedly.  
When I heard a loud sound of the door closing,I finally snapped out of it.

I walked out of the dressing room with my head held up high. I didn't pay attention to anything and anybody,stomping through the corridor. I was numb.  
"Good day,Harleen." - Arthur was already sitting at the table.  
I stopped for a second to catch my breath. Arthur greeted me first. I was always the first one to do it.  
"Hello,Arthur." - I mumbled with a mindless smile on my face.  
He looked so normal in that white pyjamas. Arthur's big green eyes were examining me up and down.  
"Maybe he already knows it. Maybe he sees through me." Paranoia kicked in rather fast.  
I sat down infront of him,hiding my hands under the table.  
"So today I'd like to talk about your other persona. The name you asked to be called by - "Joker" - I looked up at Arthur,having the flashbacks of his face in clown make up.  
"I don't know what you're talking about." - Arthur's impressive eyes narrowed. He shrugged his shoulders,tilting his head mischievously.  
"Well,then you never said these words." - With a sly grin on my face I took out a piece of paper and put it on the table.  
His eyes jumped to a small piece of paper. Arthur slowly leaned over with genuine interest. He looked up at me,asking for permission to take it. I nodded to him. I was trying so hard to hide my excitement.  
Arthur's long aristocratic fingers gently shifted paper closer to him. His eyes started moving along the words on the paper. I was watching him attentively,afraid to miss one twitch of his wrinkle.  
"How did you like me on the show?" - Arthur's mouth broke into smile.  
I wanted to tell him how much I loved it,but I just couldn't say it outloud.  
"I think that It was your way of expressing the rage and pain. It was...rather impressive." - I stuttered nervously.  
"The man,that I admired called me "Joker". So I took this name. It suits me perfectly,don't you think,Harleen?" - His big green eyes had that menacing fire in them.  
My heart was beating so loud,resonating through my body. I opened my mouth and tried to say something,when I heard a howl. It made me shudder.  
"David? What's going on?" - Someone's shouted in the corridor.  
My mind went blank for a moment. Arthur was staring at me calmly,not paying any attention to the noise.  
"Doctor,I should take him away. The session is over." - The Bald guy rushed into the room and put handcuffs on Arthur hastily.  
"Something's wrong in a happy town." - Arthur winked at me,as if he knew what I did. The howl in the corridor repeated.  
"Come on." - The Bald guy grabbed him under the arm and pushed him out of the room.  
I followed them into the corridor.  
"David,God dammit!" - I heard Warden's angry voice.  
My head was spinning out of pressure. I saw people surrounding Butch,who was standing against the wall,covering his mouth. I noticed blood dripping on the  
white floor. Butch was trying to stop the blood from spilling from his mouth. He was crying in pain. I felt satisfaction filling me up from within.  
"Call somebody." - Warden was obviously disgusted by the mess on the floor. There was no compassion for Butch.  
I was entranced by the scene. The Bald guy was dragging Arthur past the pool of blood,while Butch fell on his knees,not able to stand anymore.  
"He's got what he deserved!" - The loud frantic scream cut through the corridor,followed by obnoxious laughter.  
Arthur was dancing down the corridor with his head turned in my direction.  
The hot feverish rush run through my body,making me dizzy. I put my hand against the wall,looking at Arthur. The Bald guy was trying to restrain him, but Arthur jumped from one leg to another with a happy broad smile on his face. It seemed like there were only two of us in that white long corridor. Staring at each other,feeling the same overwhelming thrill. In that moment Butch's howls faded away. Everything stopped making sence,except for Arthur's crazy laughter,resounding in my head like a Rolling thunder.


	14. What a difference a day makes...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arthur is slowly taking control of Harleen))
> 
> Hope to hear your thoughts. Your feedback keeps me going))

"Harleen,how are you? Is everything ok?" - I was storming up the stairs,when I heard Molly calling me. She was greeting me next to my door.  
"Great,Molly!Everything is perfect!" - I exclaimed,catching my breath. My whole being was oozing with bliss.  
"What about cockroaches?" - Molly asked nonchalantly.  
I stopped turning the key in the doorlock. That question shook me to the core and brought me back to reality. I was exhilarated after I poisoned a man.  
What happened to me?  
"I got rid of them." - I mumbled and hastily opened the door to hide my face from Molly.  
"Good for you!I'm still fighting for my territory" - Molly's complaining went unnoticed by me,as I already closed the door behind me.

My head was burning up. I couldn't help but replay that scene - Butch in the pool of blood and Arthur dancing and laughing. What I've done was horrific,but inside somehow i was content. I knew,that I had to feel guilty about it. My rational side was screaming out franticly. I could never imagine myself do such a thing. But there I was,laying in my bed and feeling,as if it was natural. 

I felt cold shivers down my spine and opened my eyes. Everything was so painfully white. My eyes couldn't focus. I wanted to move,but i felt restricted.  
"Good day,Ms.Quinzel." - I heard the door creaking and someone's familiar soft voice.  
I saw a blurry figure,coming closer to me.  
"What's going on?" - I whispered,trying to move my hands.  
"Don't worry,I'm here to help you." - The nearness of that blurry silhouette made me comfortable somehow.   
I finally started to see the man,that hunched down beside me - dark hair,pale complexion and big green eyes.   
"Arthur." - I said,leaning forward.  
"She knows your name,Doctor." - I heard someone's gruff chuckle.  
"Can you leave us for a moment,please." - Arthur turned back and politely nodded in the door direction.  
"What?" - My heart started jumping out of my chest. I looked down and saw myself tied up in a disheveled straitjacket.  
"Calm down,Harleen. I'll take care of you." - Arthur's eyes were devouring me. His pale long fingers gently touched my cheek.  
I could feel my whole body freeze in horror.  
"No. I need to get out of here,Arthur!" - I exclaimed,barely suppressing my despair.  
"Harleen,you belong here. You know you do,my darling." - His warm breath on my cheek lingered for a moment,sending shivers down my spine.

I woke up in my bed with my eyes wide open. My whole being was crashed. Maybe Arthur was right. 

"Doctor,can I talk to you?" - Warden caught me right at the Arkham's entrance.  
The fear instantly occupied my every braincell. I came up to him hastily.   
"I need to know what you heard or saw yesterday." - Nothing in his behavior gave away,that he suspected me.   
"I came here to have my session with my patient. I went to the changing room. Then i headed to the therapy room. I heard male nurses chat,when i passes   
them by. After some time I heard screaming and our session was over. We walked out in the corridor. This is it. What happened to David?" - Surprisingly  
I regained my composure and sounded rather compassionate and sincere.   
"He is in hospital with severe bowel burn. Maybe he will survive." - Warden's face was emotionless,as if it was an everyday thing.  
"I hope everything will be fine. It's so unfortunate. I can imagine the pain he endures." - I softly added with a sad grimace on my face.  
"Yeah." - Warden nodded dryly. I watched him stomp through the corridor with his military posture. I felt my fear slowly fade away.

Walking to the session with Arthur never made me as nervous before. But after that nightmare I had heavy thoughts marring my mind.  
When I saw Arthur walking in with the Bald guy,I felt a burning sensation rush through my veins.  
"Hello,Arthur." - I said,fixing my eyes on his pale face.  
"Good morning,Doctor." - Arthur's mouth twitched,forming a half smile. The way he uttered "doctor" sounded suspicious. Maybe i was making that up.   
Maybe I was hearing it wrong.   
The Bald guy pushed Arthur on the chair with visible irritation,while his little eyes were on me. I felt uncomfortable.   
"What if he knows that I poisoned Butch?" rang in my head like a bell.  
"Thank you." - I said,giving him a forced smile.  
He exhaled loudly and walked out.  
I slowly turned my head to Arthur,who was swinging from side to side and humming something.  
"Harleen,you look nervous and distraught." - He leaned over,staring right in my eyes. I swallowed hard,seemingly loud enough,that it resonated in the room.  
"I just...yesterday that accident happened and I..." - I felt like I was under the microscope. Arthur's green eyes were piercing me.  
"What a difference a day makes...twenty-four little hours brought the sun and the flowers,where there used to be rain." - His soft humming completely took me out of reality.  
I felt as if he reached out his hands and embraced me. The sound of his voice made me dizzy.  
"My yesterday was blue, dear.Now I'm part of you, dear. My lonely nights are through, dear...Since you said you were mine." - Arthur closed his eyes,tilting his head back.  
"You should listen to some jazz,Harleen." - He opened his emerald eyes and looked at me. I could feel my body responding. Suddenly I felt like the temperature in the room went to 100 degrees.  
"I will...that accident didn't bother you at all,as I can see." - I mumbled,clenching my thighs tightly.  
"It made me happy. You were there too. You felt it." - Arthur whispered,narrowing his eyes mischievously.  
"What do you mean?" - My heart was ready to jump out of my chest.  
"I saw you,Doctor." - He hissed through his teeth.   
"I was shocked and terrified." - I was losing my composure. It seemed like i was suffocating. But not out of fear.  
"No,no,no. Your eyes were widened with excitement. I was looking at you and you...were looking at me." - His long aristocratic finger swang from side to side right infront of my face. Arthur's big eyes turned into small dark slits.   
I felt trapped. He knocked me out. I didn't know what to say,opening and closing my mouth like a fish.  
"Harleen...talk to me." - Arthur whispered with tenderness. Something about it felt so perverted and wrong. But I felt a warm tingling through my body.  
"You misinterpreted my reaction." - I stuttered nervously,feeling sweat forming on my forehead.  
"Of course I did!" - Suddenly Arthur leaned back and burst into laughter.  
"Arthur,let's switch the topic. Please." - I said,trying to stop his frantic giggling.  
"Oh,Harleen. You are one of the kind." - He slowly regained his composure,breathing heavily.  
"You are truly one of the kind,Arthur." - I exhaled,feeling a smile invading my face.   
"So... that makes two of us." - He whispered,smiling back at me.  
I couldn't help,but look at his mouth. Never in my life I craved a kiss so badly. It was a burning desire,that I never felt before.


	15. Free falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more step closer...
> 
> Please let me know what you think about this chapter)) I hope my slow burn is still interesting for you)

When I came back home,I headed to the bathroom. Two polar opposite emotions were tearing me apart - shame and arousal. I felt like I was losing myself. Cool and collected Harleen Quinzel was gone. I didn't know what was going on with me. It seemed like I was free falling and I loved the wind blowing my hair. Arthur brought something in me. The feeling,that I never experienced before. Even with my first love Mark. I thought it was intense,but what I was feeling for Arthur was extreme. My rational side wanted to stop. I even thought about quitting,leaving Arthur and taking another patient. But my heart was screaming "No!"  
"You should listen to some jazz,Harleen." I heard Arthur's soft voice. I did just that.  
Some Louis Armstrong,Nina Simone,Ray Charles,Sarah Vaughan,BB King,Ella Fitzgerald. But when I heard Billie Holiday's voice singing,I closed my eyes:  
"I say I'll move the mountains  
And I'll move the mountains  
If he wants them out of the way  
Crazy he calls me  
Sure, I'm crazy"  
The song felt so right for the moment. It was like honey for my ears.  
"Like the wind that shakes the bough  
He moves me with a smile  
The difficult I'll do right now  
The impossible will take a little while."  
I felt butterflies in my stomach,imagining Arthur's face.

Waking up to a loud police siren,I felt alarmed. Gotham wasn't a calm and safe place by any means. I always thought about moving somewhere else. But I guess I wasn't ready yet. While I was having a breakfast,I remembered the video of Arthur's lethal and fascinating "performance" at the late night show. The memories of that crazy time popped up in my mind. It was a bloody bizarre attempt to change something. People's anger was like a bomb,that Arthur's actions set off. I was scared during that time. But it was a rather short-lived riot and it didn't go far enough,because there was no leader. Arthur was apprehended by police that night and brought to Arkham.  
"What if he wasn't caught? What if he could become a real leader for poor and wronged?Where did those people go? Where are they now?"  
Those questions were buzzing in my head like mosquitoes. Three years went by. Maybe they moved on and forgot about even participating in it.

I walked in Arkham,caring only about seeing my patient. Somehow the fear of being caught for poisoning Butch was pushed down in my mind. How could they know anyway? Moreover no one really cared about that pitbull.  
"Arthur." - I nodded joyfully,looking right in his emerald eyes. The eyes that I wanted to vanish in.  
The Bald guy roughly led Arthur to his chair,while Arthur was smiling at me. He didn't seem to feel the pain from the strong cruel grip. And I didn't seem to care about anyone seeing me staring at my patient with obvious affection.  
Being pushed on the chair,Arthur didn't look like he used to. I remembered his hunched spine,his fragility. I always felt an urge to defend him. But after our sessions Arthur looked like a different person. His spine was straight,he held his head high. Arthur even seemed to be gaining some weight. His skin started to look healthy. Arthur's big green eyes were sparkling with the fire,that he seemed to loose.  
When the Bald guy left,I inhaled with relief. I just wanted to be alone with Arthur.  
"Today I wanted to talk about the series of events from 3 years ago." - I said after a long pause.  
"Let me think. My memory is little bit fuzzy." - Arthur shook his head,looking up the ceiling.  
"The late night show,the riot." - I uttered softly.  
"Wayne's death." - Arthur closed his eyes,seemingly blissful with the imagery of Wayne's dead body.  
"You weren't there,right?" - My eyes were fixed on Arthur's expressive face.  
"Unfortunately...you know,Harleen,that night was the happiest night in my life." - He said with a bitter smile.  
Somehow I knew,that it was an ugly truth.  
"Harleen,what was your happiest day?" - Arthur looked at me with sincere interest.  
I felt smitten by the question. It was a simple and easy one,but I couldn't answer him. My mind went blank.  
"Harleen?" - I heard Arthur's soft voice resonating through me.  
"I guess it was too long ago...I don't remember." - Only shameful memories poured in my mind.  
"What about your family? Mother and father?" - Arthur took our session under his control.  
I had to stop this. I should have put the boundaries. But I didn't want to.  
"My mother sucked in all the happiness." - I mumbled,feeling the lump forming in my throat.  
"And your father?" - Arthur's eyes were staring at me with strange understanding.  
"I don't really have...a father. He is just a man,whose DNA i have...unfortunately." - I could feel my body freeze. The pain and rage were tearing me apart right before Arthur's eyes.  
"What did he do to you." - It didn't sound like a question,more like a statement. I could feel tears treacherously invading my eyes.  
Arthur's compassion was palpable. He leaned over,trying to get closer to me.  
"Don't cry,Harley. They don't deserve your tears." - His soft voice sounded so tender.  
"Harley" he called me. The last time somebody called me that was when I was in school. But Arthur made it sound so warm and cosy. It felt like a big blanket in a cold winter's night.  
"Do you want to feel better?" - Arthur's big green eyes got misty.  
"Of course." - I mumbled,wiping the tears from my face.  
"You have to set yourself free from the past,from all the burdens,from the people,who hurt you the most." - Arthur's eyes widened with excitement. It looked like he was sharing a secret with me.  
"How can I do it?" - I asked,catching my breath.  
Arthur's face suddenly lit up. His mouth twitched,slowly spreading into a cunning smile.  
I felt cold shivers. The realization exploded in my head,like a bomb. Arthur instantly noticed the change in my eyes. He started breathing loudly. Slowly that sound began to morph into a chocked giggling. He kept his eyes on me,while covering his mouth. The pain invaded his eyes.  
I gave into my instinct and rushed to his side.  
"Look at me,Arthur. I'm here. You're safe." - I hunched down at his knees and took his pale cold hand from his mouth.  
He shuddered from my touch,not showing any resistance. I was keeping an eye contact with him,while gently massaging his hand. Slowly Arthur started to regain composure.  
"Breathe in and out slowly." - I whispered quietly,examining his face. I was so close to him. His pale complexion made his dark eyebrows and black eyelashes stand out even more. He had very refined aristocratic cheekbones. For the first time I noticed a scar on Arthur's upper lip. How could I not see that before?!  
"Harley...thank you." - His soft whisper awakened me. I felt his warm breath on my cheek. I must have been staring at that scar for too long.  
I looked up and met his emerald eyes,that seemed like two black holes,sucking me in.  
"You're welcome." - I mumbled shyly,feeling the blood rush to my face.  
"Harley." - Arthur mouthed without any sound. His green eyes seemed bottomless.  
I felt extreme desire to lean closer. The tension in Arthur's body told me,that he felt the same. He was tight as a drum. Seemingly restraining himself from getting closer to me.  
Suddenly I found myself reaching out my hand to touch his cheek. I just couldn't control that need. As soon as my hand touched his cheek,Arthur closed his eyes, leaning in like a hungry for love child. The warmth of his skin felt so relaxing and soothing. Everything in that person seemed so familiar to me.  
In that moment of our unity I didn't feel lonely for the first time in my life.  
But that special moment was interrupted by the loud creak of the door. I jumped up,snapping back to reality.  
"My patient had a seizure." - I said hastily to the Bald guy. Who had a strange look on his face.  
"Thank you,Arthur. Next time we will talk more about your childhood." - I felt like a schoolgirl,who got caught in some bad action.  
At least Arthur kept his cool. His face had that unbothered look. The Bald guy walked up to Arthur and grabbed him with obvious irritation. I could see how his strong fingers clawed in Arthur's arm.  
I froze in place. When Arthur reached the door,he looked back at me with immense gratitude in his big emerald eyes. I smiled at him,feeling a bitter apprehension rise in me.


	16. The Clown Mask

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my story)) Make sure to let me know your thoughts on this chapter))

"Ms.Quinzel,I should remind you about not crossing the line. As a professional I think you know,that you have to be objective and unbiased." - Ms.Sanders was sitting infront of me with the same poker face. I felt uncomfortable under her attentive cold eyes.  
"I know. He had a seizure,so I came up to him to calm him down." - I was trying to sound confident,but my voice was shaking.  
"Doctor,there are other ways to do it. You could call a nurse and make him an injection." - Her cool behavior and cruel words matched her stern face.  
I felt disgust and rage inside of me. That woman didn't care about treating her patients. She cared only about an order.  
"These methods don't help patients. It's just a temporary sedative." - My heart was drumming in my ears.  
Ms.Sanders noticed something in me and shifted in her big armchair. I could see angry flames in her eyes. How could I disagree with director?!  
"Doctor Quinzel,don't forget about your assignment in Arkham. Fleck is still here,because of the Mayor. Next evaluation will be held this Friday. And I need him to be docile. Take this list of questions and prepare him." - Her dry voice seemed so loud. She handed me a piece of paper.  
"I thought my assignment was to treat him." - I said,barely restraining my anger.  
"Doctor,he can't be fixed. I think you should know it by now." - Her big mouth formed an arrogant smirk.  
I clenched my fists and shuddered with disgust. In that moment I could claw her eyes out.  
"And what will happen after that evaluation?" - I asked,knowing the answer beforehand. I remembered the talk,that i overheard not long ago.  
Butch himself said "Once he is no longer a valuable asset,we will get rid of him".  
"Everything will be fine,if he passes this evaluation. Make sure,that he does." - Her mellow voice had that steel tone of demand and order.  
Of course she was lying. Ms.Sanders couldn't care less about anybody,especially a patient.

I walked out of her office with the list in my hand. How much I wanted to rip it apart! Arthur was worse than an animal for people like her. I had to do something. I couldn't let them kill Arthur.

When I was in the subway,I saw 2 schoolboys holding clown masks. It caught my eye. I didn't see such clown masks for a long time. After the riot they were banned and labeled as a sign of criminal rebellion. Probably only kids could get away with having them out in the open.  
"Boys,great masks. Where did you get them?" - I came up to them smiling.  
"Thanks. It's a secret." - One of the boys with blond curly hair giggled.  
"Oh,common. Help a lady." - I leaned over,whispering mischievously.  
They exchanged glances and the other boy with big blue eyes nodded.  
"It's on the 5th Avenue. A small caffe." - The blond boy mumbled and instantly grabbed the other boy,jumping on the train.

"What am I doing? I'm going crazy." - I thought to myself,walking in the darkest corner of Gotham. The 5th Avenue had a very bad reputation. Well,it speaks volumes,if you keep in mind,that it's Gotham. Even police was hesitant to come there. I put on some kind of disguise - a big oversized jacket with a hoody,jeans and old boots. In the dark I could be taken for a boy.  
The smell of rotten garbage,cigarettes and weed all blended together. People were hunched down against the wall. I felt really scared,but something was driving me forward. Instinctively I knew,that a caffe was at the end of street. There were little houses,that had all the windows closed. I was walking with my heart jumping in my chest. The woman with a crying baby in her hands was screaming at the man. She was drunk. I passed them by hastily and turned the corner. I noticed red and green lights sparkling from a far. It seemed really out of place in that dark and dump environment. I headed there like a moth to a flame.  
"Can you borrow me some money,man!" - I heard someone's high pitched desperate voice. As I came closer,I saw a signboard "Monty's place". It looked like a caffe with tables and chairs. But the interior was so gloomy. I bet it felt depressing to sit there and eat. A big man with mustache was sitting at the table,while the other guy in a cape was standing infront of him,begging him for money.  
"Harry,i will give you 200 dollars,because I know your wife and daughter. But if I hear,that you've spent it on booze,I will get you." - The big man was talking with the balanced amount of sympathy and menace.  
"Thank you so very much,Bill!" - The guy took the money and seemed to be ready to cry. I thought he was about to faint.  
He turned around and headed in my direction. He could pass for a 40 and 20 year old man all at the same time. That guy had a very ambiguous appearance.  
The man at the table looked at me. I was standing at the entrance,shivering from cold or fear. I still can't figure it out.  
"Welcome,young lady." - He stood up,greeting me. He had brown hair and a snub nose.  
"Good day,sir." - I mumbled nervously,still standing motionlessly.  
"Come in. Today we have a great pepperoni pizza. Very tasty." - He said with italian accent.  
I finally stepped forward,softly smiling at him.  
"Please,sit down. What do you want to drink?" - The man pointed at the table right in the middle of the room. I looked around,finding myself the only customer.  
"Orange juice,please." - I uttered with hesitation.  
That big man had broad shoulders and rather short legs,compared to his impressive torso. I thought that he looked older than 45,but maybe he was younger.  
"I know everybody in this area,but i've never seen such pretty lady here." - He snapped his fingers and a tall thin waiter stormed in with a juice.  
"Well,I decided to visit this side of Gotham." - I mumbled,sipping the juice.  
I could feel his eyes staring at me with interest. Suddenly he called the waiter and whispered something in his ear. Goosebumps run through my my body.  
After some time the waiter returned with a pizza.  
"No. I didn't order it." - I shook my head vigorously.  
"It's my compliment for a lady." - He said,baring his teeth.  
Something in his face told me not to reject that treat. I took a bite of the pizza.  
"This is really tasty. Thank you." - I smiled,telling the truth. The pizza was truly delicious. But the fear in me was boiling inside,not letting me enjoy it.  
"You're welcome." - He said,sitting down infront of me.  
My pulse was pumping in my ears like a drum.  
"Why does it called "Monty's place?" - I asked the first thing on my mind.  
"Well. It's a long story. But to make it short - it's my father's name." - His silver-blue eyes were examining me with precision.  
"Great." - I mumbled,avoiding his gaze.  
"What are you doing here,girl? What do you really want?" - His voice sounded raspy and dry.  
I looked up at him,restraining myself from jumping up and running away as fast as i could.  
"Tell me the truth." - He said,drumming his fingers on the table impatiently.  
"I just want to buy a clown mask." - After a short pause I stuttered,not seeing any other option.  
His face was calm,but i noticed his blue eyes darkening. He stood up slowly,still keep staring me down.  
My body froze in terror. I had to run,but I couldn't.  
"Interesting..." - He hissed,coming closer to me.  
I shuddered on the chair,looking down at my feet and regretting that stupid reckless idea to come here. I felt someone's strong hands lifting me up. That big man grabbed me by my throat.  
"Who are you? A cop or a journalist?" - His voice sounded so loud and crude,shuttering every piece of my composure.  
He was suffocating me and I felt like i was about to lose consciousness.  
"I know Joker! I'm his psychiatrist." - I tried to scream at the top of my lungs,but all I could do was squeak.  
A second of silence seemed like forever. When I felt the grip around my neck loosen up,I finally inhaled deeply.  
"What are you talking about?" - The man looked smitten and genuinely surprised.  
Why did i tell him that? Well,it was an instinct. Somehow I felt it was the only thing,that could save me.  
"I'm treating Arthur Fleck "Joker" in Arkham." - I mumbled,trying to regain my composure.  
He slowly let go of me,stepping back.  
"Do you have a proof?" - His face looked pale and confused.  
I reached in my pocket for my card. When I handed him it with my shaking hands,I noticed an honest shock and excitement. He read my card in awe.  
"I'm sorry,Doctor Quinzel." - That big tough man turned into a small boy right infront of my eyes.  
I stood there motionless,digesting what just happened.  
"But how did you find me? Did he tell you something?" - His eyes widened with interest.  
"Yes,he did. Your name is..." - I lied, snapping my fingers to pretend like I was trying to remember.  
"Bill. My name is Bill. I'm so sorry for my behavior. It's just...you know these cops are trying to get to me." - He started stuttering nervously.  
We turned the tables.I felt in control of the situation. Seeing him mumbling before me like a little boy was empowering. He must have been one of those people,who Arthur inspired to go out on the streets. But the question was why he thought,that Arthur knew him.  
"Do you sell clown masks here?" - I asked,sitting back at the table.  
"Yeah. It's the only place anybody can buy them. How is he?" - Bill sat down infront of me,looking at me like a hungry man at a big hot beef stake.  
I felt a thrill from being in position of power.  
"Well,he is better,since I started treating him." - I took a sip of orange juice,feeling relaxed.  
"3 long years...It's awful. But let him know,that he is not forgotten,Doctor. We are still here." - Suddenly Bill leaned over,smiling at me.  
"WE" resonated in my mind.  
"I'll tell him. He really needs support." - I said quietly,almost horrified by the fact,that I was saying it.  
I was talking to a man,who obviously took part in that bloody riot. It seemed like I was on their side. Maybe I really was...

I returned home with a twisted feeling of satisfaction,as if I found a new source of inspiration. That encounter with Bill made me confident somehow. As soon as I said "Joker" he looked at me in awe. Arthur couldn't even realize the power he had. He became a legend for them. Bill wasn't the only one. How many were ready to follow Joker?  
Those thoughts excited me so much,that I couldn't sleep - images of Arthur in red costume with a green hair and a clown make up surrounded by hundreds of people,cheering him on. The best part was,that I was standing by his side.


	17. The Right Answer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am with a new chapter. Please,leave your comments. It seems like you lost an interest in my story.

"Psychiatric evaluation" more like "The show for the Mayor". The whim of Hypocritical elite,who was given the power to manipulate people like us.  
Never before I felt so enraged by that injustice. But one thing I knew for sure - I had to help Arthur pass that test. I couldn't even imagine my life without him. Our sessions became the reason to get up every single day and put on my broad smile. I never felt as energetic before,though I was driven by my dream. With Arthur it was different. It wasn't a vanity or ambition.I was so afraid to admit what it really was.

As soon as I walked in Arkham,I saw Warden and 2 male nurses talking about something. Their faces were more gloomy than usual. Suddenly I remembered what happened to Butch,what I did to him. The fear kicked in.  
"Good day." - I said with a broad smile on my face,trying to look as calm as possible. My mouth even twitched from pressure.  
"Doctor. Some bad news. David has died 2 hours ago." - Warden's voice echoed in my mind,leaving me speechless.  
I was staring at him with a blank mind. No emotions at all. My body froze in place.  
"It's so strange. Out of nowhere." - The guy with big ears mumbled irritably.  
"Very sad..." - I heard almost inaudible whisper,that came out of me automatically.  
"Right." - Warden's sceptical grunt made me shudder. It made me regain my ability to move.  
I turned around and headed through the corridor,accompanied by my heels clattering.

"David has died 2 hours ago" was circling over and over in my head. I asked myself "What do you feel? Guilt or regret maybe?". The answer was "nothing". I felt "nothing" with a pinch of satisfaction and relief. Just like when I killed annoying cockroaches in my flat.  
I walked in the room,finding Arthur already waiting for me in the handcuffs. As soon as I saw his pale aristocratic face,every memory of Butch disappeared.  
"Hello,Doctor." - After a short pause my favorite patient tilted his dark head,mischievously chewing the word "doctor".  
I felt blood rushing to my cheeks.  
"Arthur,good to see you." - I meant it with all my heart. Every day I couldn't wait to come here and talk to him,be with him,feel him near me.  
I slowly walked to the table,staring at Arthur like a lovesick puppy.  
"I really need to talk to you about your future prospects." - Sitting down infront of him,I took out the list of questions,that Ms.Sanders gave to me.  
"Do I have any?" - Arthur's voice seemed distant like an echo.  
"Of course you have!" - I felt pain in my chest. It was a lie. I wasn't sure about it,to say the least.  
"Oh,Harley." - His big green eyes were full of tenderness and sorrow.  
I needed to hear him say my name like that so badly.  
"Well. Administration wants you to pass a test. It's very important to show the improvement. The Mayor will be supervising it." - I was trying to sound confident and reassuring.  
Arthur's face didn't change,but his emerald eyes glimmered with dark flame.  
"Arthur,please. We have to make sure,that he is satisfied with your improvement." - I clenched my fingers nervously.  
"Why should I care about it? Will it make a difference for me? I just have to appease to that Mayor." - The anger was obvious in his voice.  
I felt a lump in my throat forming.  
"Your life hinges on the result of this test. Please,just let them know that you're not dangerous anymore." - I said,leaning over.  
"My life doesn't mean anything..." - His mouth slowly formed a bitter smile.  
"It means more than you think...so much more." - My need for him to know his worth was uncontrollable.  
I found myself reaching out my hand to his handcuffed pale hands. They seemed so frail and cold.  
"Arthur,you are not alone in this world. There are people out there...who are your supporters." - I reduced to whispering.  
How could I say that? Did I lose my mind? I was talking to my patient about his admirers. I became one of them too,didn't I?  
Arthur looked down at my hand,lying on his. He seemed entranced.  
"Arthur." - I mumbled,feeling out of breath like I was running.  
Slowly I saw him leaning down and resting his forehead right on my hand. I shuddered. It felt like fire invaded every fiber of my being.  
Arthur's slow breathing seemed so loud.  
"Are you with me?" - I heard his soft whisper. He was still motionless.  
His question puzzled me. Of course I was with him in that room. But that wasn't what he really implied.  
"Harley?" - His voice deepened. Arthur started moving his head slowly from side to side. That movement was almost unnoticeable,but I felt it with all my body. He was petting my hand with his forehead. It seemed surreal.  
"Yes,I am." - I heard my weak voice.  
Arthur exhaled loudly and moved his head forward,placing his lips on my hand. I could feel shivers running down my spine. His gentle kiss burned me up.  
Feverish tingle was so intense,that my head became light as a feather.  
"So what should I do and say,Doctor?" - Almost in a snap Arthur looked up at me with a broad smile on his aristocratic face. His voice sounded confident and happy.  
I opened my mouth,trying to collect myself. The intimate moment,that we just had seemed like my hallucination. Just a creation of my wild imagination.  
"I'm ready to learn the right answers." - Arthur's left eyebrow went up mischievously.  
Something in him changed. It seemed like Arthur was charged by my positive reply like a battery. I was completely confused. If I knew better,I would say,that I was going off the rails,surrendering to my strange affection for my patient. The person,who everybody feared and despised. He took control of me.  
In that moment I had to run away from there. Run and hide. But I didn't. I stayed with Arthur,because my logic was dead and gone. It was too late...


	18. Day X

I opened the door and shuffled into my grey apartment. My mind was occupied by tomorrow's Psychiatric evaluation. Arthur was very attentive and docile, while I was telling him proper answers to standard questions. I had to teach him to make sure,that he passed the test and got to live. I needed him in my life. That feeling was almost painful,because I knew how unhealthy it was.  
Romantic side of me took over and I played my favorite old tape of Dinah Washington.  
"I'm mad about the boy  
I know it's stupid to be mad about the boy  
I'm so ashamed of it but must admit the sleepless nights I've had  
About the boy"

Her beautiful soft voice was sure singing about me.

"Will it ever cloy  
This odd diversity of misery and joy  
I'm feeling quite insane and young again  
And all because I'm mad about the boy

So if I could employ  
A little magic that will finally destroy  
This dream that pains me and enchains me  
But I can't because I'm mad about the boy"

That song was truly mine down to every word. I closed my eyes,imagining Arthur's face. His big emerald eyes,his aristocratic nose and expressive mouth.  
Arthur's soft kiss on the hand was still burning my skin. How would it feel to kiss him? How would it feel to be in his arms?  
Those crazy passionate thoughts weren't helping to fall asleep.

The sounds of raindrops echoed in my head loudly. My eyelids were so heavy,that I couldn't open my eyes.  
"Harleen,why did you wear this revealing dress? New boyfriend?" - Familiar baritone resonated somewhere near. I shuddered with fear.  
"Answer me!" - Thunderous angry voice hit me.  
I started losing my breath. My heart was pounding in my ears like a drum.  
"Have you slept with him?" - That painfully familiar baritone made me feel so small and helpless. I knew that feeling too well.  
I wanted to run,but my body couldn't move.  
"You're a dirty little slut!" - His scream was deafening.The agony infected every sell in my body.  
"Daddy,please!I didn't do anything!" - I heard my desperate plea.  
"But I bet you thought about it! I know you did!These filthy images in your head should be beat out of you!" - His words were cutting deep and corporal punishment was coming next.  
I opened my mouth and screamed at the top of my lungs. I found myself in my bed,soaking wet with cold sweat.

Preparation for the day X was thorough. I concealed the dark circles under my eyes. My blond hair was smoothly tied into a ponytail. Of course I couldn't forget about the glasses,that made me look more professional and collected. I put on the most formal grey dress I had. Looking in the mirror before going out I felt like a fraud. I seemed completely normal and adequate from outside perspective. But inside I was messed up and confused.  
Gotham early in the morning resembled a ghost town. Only in the dirty subway you could see some people with vacant grumpy faces. I got on the train,thinking about Arthur and praying for his common sense. It took me some time to notice a woman sitting infront of me. She had big hazel eyes and curly brown hair.  
It was a rather young thin woman in a long black coat. She was staring at me with curiosity. Something in her eyes made me uncomfortable. It seemed like she knew me. But I couldn't recognize her. She seemed to notice my uneasiness and smiled at me. It only made me feel more confused. Finally it was my station to get off. I hastily headed to the exit.  
"Say Hi to the Joker." - I heard a soft and tender female voice,when I was about to get off.  
I shuddered and looked at that woman in black coat. She nodded at me conspiratorially. It didn't seem real. I rushed out of the train as if that woman was about to kidnap me or worse. Only after some time of storming through the street I could look back to check,if she was behind me. No one was chasing me.  
Only my fear. 

I walked in Arkham completely entranced by the subway encounter. I couldn't even fathom how powerful Arthur was. Joker was. Of course it was Bill,the owner of that cafe,where the clown masks could be bought. He couldn't keep his mouth shut. How many of those Joker followers were there? I couldn't even imagine. And were all of them aware of who I was?  
"The Mayor will be here in half an hour. Be ready. Don't mess it up. Keep that beast tamed while the Mayor is here." - I heard loud instructions of Ms.Sanders. She got dressed up for the occasion - a red suit with white collar. Warden was standing with his military posture,listening to her attentively.  
"Here she is. Doctor Quinzel,is your patient under control?" - Ms.Sanders noticed me and got to the point right away. Her face was distorted by worry and concentration.  
"Yes,he is." - I nodded,feeling thirsty from running. In that moment all I wanted was to drink.  
Ms. Sanders examined me up and down sternly. I endured her stare with a seemingly relaxed face. Finally she turned around and headed to her office.  
"This sick clown needs to be as quiet as a mouse today." - Warden's dry voice awakened me.  
I looked at him,hardly suppressing myself from spitting in his wrinkled face. If only that tall martinet knew how respected,that "sick clown" was in Gotham.  
Stupid narrow-minded prick.  
"In half an hour we will meet in the lobby." - He uttered proudly and headed to the second floor.  
I exhaled with relief,rushing to the dressing room. I poured myself a glass of water and swallowed it in a gulp. How much I hated that place! When I only got in Arkham,I was full of good expectations. I wanted to be here and be a doctor. But I wasn't sure about it anymore. I was falling apart inside.  
Arthur became the main purpose in my life,whether I liked it or not. I thought he would be the means to my end. But it turned into something twisted and unhealthy.  
I killed a man. An awful man. But still I had blood on my hands. Was I better than him?  
I was standing before the mirror,smoothing my hair. I had to look perfect. At least my appearance had to be intact. My nerves were taking the best of me.  
It seemed like one hair lock was out of place. I took out the golden hairpin,that resembled a dragonfly. Maybe it didn't match my formal stern dress and it was  
too big,but I still pinned my wild hair lock with it. My hands were shaking treacherously. What a hellish day!  
Finally I made my way to the lobby,where Ms.Sanders was standing,tapping her left foot nervously.  
"Go check on Fleck. Do it fast. Make sure he is calm" - As soon as she saw me,she ordered loudly like i was her slave.  
I didn't say a thing and turned around. That woman must have thought,that she owned every person in Arkham. No respect for patients,no respect for employees.  
It seemed we were animals in her Zoo.  
I walked in the room and found Arthur,sitting at the table in the handcuffs. They dressed him up in a new white pyjamas. It wasn't his usual worn out grey one. Two male nurses were standing at his sides. One of them was the Bald guy. Arthur's big green eyes lit up,when he saw me. I bet my eyes did the same.  
"Can I have a minute with my patient?" - I said sternly to male nurses. They looked at each other and walked out silently.  
As soon as the door closed behind them,I sat down in front of Arthur hastily.  
"Harley,I'm kind of nervous. Is it normal?" - He looked up at me with sincere anxiety.  
"Of course. I'm nerves too." - I couldn't suppress a giggle. It was such an endearing moment. We were like two pupils before a test at school.  
He smiled at me with so much tenderness in his emerald eyes,that I could wrap myself in it like it was a blanket.  
"Harley,you will be near,right? Here with me?" - Arthur's voice was weak and vulnerable.  
My heart skipped the beat. How much I wanted to hug him as tight as I could.  
"Yes,I will. Right here next to you." - I said reaching out my hands.  
Instantly Arthur took my hands. He was trembling as well as me. Somehow I felt better as soon as he touched me. His emerald eyes shifted to my hair.  
"May I have this? It will help me to stay focused and calm." - Arthur nodded to my hairpin.  
My mind went blank for a second. Then all the rules about relationship between a doctor and a patient popped up in my head. Though I crossed almost every line already,I was still aware of the boundaries,that were left to break.  
"Harley,please. I need to get through it,just like you said to me." - Arthur squeezed my hands tighter,staring right in my soul with his big emerald eyes.  
I did say it to him so many times. He was obviously anxious and nervous,shaking all over. I wanted to help him. I needed him to get through that evaluation.  
It was as important for me,as it was for him.  
I inhaled deeply and broke our tight grip. Arthur was reluctant to let go. There were so many emotions in his big eyes. I just couldn't stand that pleading stare.  
Reaching for the dragonfly pin,I blocked every memory of the rules for psychiatrists and their patients. I slowly handed Arthur the hairpin. He took it so carefully,as if it was the most precious thing in the world.  
I heard voices in the corridor and stood up hastily,while Arthur hid the hairpin.  
"Let's go." - Warden came in. I followed him,trying to collect myself.  
We went to the lobby to find Ms.Sanders talking to a tall broad shouldered rather young man with short dark hair. Her posture was giving away his higher position in hierarchy.  
She was smiling at him with all the teeth she had. When I came up closer,I realised,that it was the Mayor.  
"It's not Joker anymore. We treated him patiently without resorting to a lot of medicine." - Ms.Sanders was going all in with her lies.  
The Mayor was surrounded by 2 big bodyguards,who blocked my way.  
"This is Dr.Quinzel. She is Fleck's psychiatrist. Her qualifications proved to be very high." - Ms.Sanders pointed at me with a friendly smile,that I've never seen on her face before.  
"Good day,sir." - I said,holding my head high.  
"Nice to meet you,doctor Quinzel." - The Mayor nodded to me politely. His bodyguards let me come closer.  
"I need to see him for myself." - The Mayor had a round face and cold bright blue eyes.  
"Of course,sir." - Ms.Sanders nodded vigorously.  
Suddenly the door opened and 4 men went in. Two of them had cameras.  
"I invited "Gotham today" to film it for my election campaign." - The Mayor said calmly,looking at Ms.Sanders. Her face changed colour.  
My heart started to drum in my ears. Everything was for a show. How could I forget!  
"I don't think,that my patient is ready..." - I started,when Ms.Sanders pushed me with her elbow to shut me up.  
"As you wish,sir." - Ms.Sanders resembled a groveling mutt.  
I felt very uneasy about letting cameras in. It was wrong. They wanted to show a defeated clown. Let everybody see the victory over Joker. Show how powerful they were.  
The Mayor and his bodyguards followed Ms.Sanders and Warden through the corridor. People from Gotham today rushed after them. I couldn't believe,that it was really happening. I wanted to run away. But I couldn't leave Arthur alone with those vultures.  
When they all gathered infront of the door,the Mayor was saying something to one of the guys with cameras.  
"Doctor,come here." - Ms.Sanders called me,tapping her foot nervously.  
"Make sure everything goes right or I don't know what I will do to you." - She grabbed me by my arm and hissed in my ear. It sent shivers down my spine.  
The shivers of disgust and anger.  
I walked past the Mayor and his henchman,shaking all over.  
I stopped for a second,inhaled deeply and put on a broad smile for Arthur. I had to look calm and relaxed for him. Opening the door was unexpectedly hard.  
My body was refusing to obey. When I finally did it,Arthur was sitting on the chair very calmly. As if he didn't hear many voices coming from the corridor.  
"Arthur,the Mayor is here and he wants to talk to you. He is accompanied by journalists from "Gotham today". They want to capture your improvement on camera." - Every word was coming from my mouth with exaggerated excitement. I was hoping,that Arthur would react calmly to the cameras. I was praying.  
Arthur sat motionless. His face didn't change at all,as if he was prepared for it. I exhaled with relief,looking back at the Mayor standing in the doorway.  
He immediately walked in with his bodyguards,followed by one of the cameramen. The room wasn't big enough for all those people. Ms.Sanders was staring at me from the corridor.  
"Good day,Mr.Fleck." - The Mayor looked at Arthur with curiosity.  
Arthur didn't seem to be bothered. His pale aristocratic hands rested on the table.  
"Good day indeed,sir." - Arthur answered after a small pause,that seemed like forever to me. I was standing right beside the Mayor. He seemed so tall and big.  
"Are you comfortable with cameras?" - While the camera guy was adjusting the equipment,the Mayor decided to play polite game.,as if he cared about Arthur's opinion.  
"Yes,I am." - Arthur leaned back,glancing at the camera shyly. He looked like a child in front of the Mayor.  
My heart was aching for him.  
Suddenly the Mayor turned to one of his bodyguards and nodded to him. Immediately he walked out,leaving more space for the second cameraman to enter.  
Ms.Sanders was nervously bitting her lips. Warden crossed his hands with total boredom and indifference on his wrinkled face. Two male nurses were standing  
at Arthur's sides. The scene was rather amusing.  
When cameramen finally adjusted equipment,The Mayor sat down at the table. His bodyguard stood right behind him,staring at Arthur like a robot.  
"We can start,sir." - One of cameramen with long shabby fair hair stuttered. I moved back to the wall,not to get in the way.  
"Alright. Roll the tape." - The Mayor fixed his dark blue tie and smoothed his dark hair. His mannerisms were slow and pretenshiously aristocratic.  
"I wanted to talk to you for a long time,Mr.Fleck. You caused quite a stir 3 years ago." - The Mayor's voice resonated in the room.  
"Yes,I remember. It seems so long ago." - Arthur tilted his head timidly.  
His fragile body resembled an ancient greek sculpture in the middle of the hall,that everybody came to gush over.  
"Well,I'm here to check whether you're doing better,because I care about everybody in Gotham. Especially the ones,who lost their way." - The Mayor's melodic voice sounded too sweet for my ears. Every phrase was a motto from his campaign. I didn't believe a word he was saying.  
Arthur's mouth formed a smile,while his green eyes stayed emotionless. It was like a mask. I knew him too well by then.  
"Finally,I see somebody,who cares about people in Gotham. I almost lost my faith. Thank you,sir." - Arthur's soft voice matched Mayor's with it's sweetness.  
I felt two opposite feelings - pride for Arthur's collected and calm behavior and surprise - I didn't expect such a cool polite attitude. He seemed completely comfortable in that position.  
"So great to see your improvement.I'm going for the second term and hoping to make more difference in Gotham." - The Mayor couldn't be more full of himself.  
He glanced in the camera like an experienced actor.  
"I think,that legitimate authority should not be resented. People need to respect the authority more." - Arthur leaned over,looking right at the Mayor.  
I gasped with relief. Arthur was talking so eloquently and freely,but the words were rehearsed so many times. I taught him that.  
"Indeed,mr.Fleck. So well said. You've changed your mind,as I can see." - The Mayor seemed pleasantly surprised too.  
"Good job." - I heard a whisper in my ear.  
Ms.Sanders must have tiptoed in the room. I looked at her face,that had too much make up. I nodded automatically,moving away from her.  
"I was confused and lost all my life,sir. But when I got here,I finally saw the truth. It couldn't be done without Doctor Quinzel. She saved me." - Arthur's big green eyes drifted to me with genuine tenderness.  
I shuddered. It felt like electricity went through me. The camera guy with long fair hair glanced at me with a smile.  
"Doctor Quinzel,please come here. People need to see the person,who helped Joker to become mr.Fleck again." - The Mayor looked back at me.  
I froze in place from shock.  
"Go." - Ms.Sanders hissed irritably,pushing me forward. My legs were reluctant to move.  
"You've made a miracle,Doctor." - The Mayor reached out his hand to me. I shook his hand nervously. Arthur's emerald eyes were glimmering with satisfaction.  
"Thank you,sir." - The light from the camera was blinding me. It didn't feel right at all.  
"It's really impressive,if you compare this person infront of me to the evil mindless murderer in clown make up. Two different people" - The Mayor smiled at me,then at Arthur.  
I knew,that Mayor expected me to say something,but I couldn't. It felt fake. It felt wrong. I looked at Arthur. He was still sitting motionlessly in the same position,but his green eyes darkened. I knew that look too well.  
Silence was oppressive. The Mayor's smile slowly disappeared.  
"Doctor Quinzel is just very modest. Let me talk for her." - Ms.Sanders rushed in with her loud demanding voice.  
"Sure! Please Ms.Sanders. You're Arkham's director. As we all know everything starts with your professional conduct." - The Mayor was glad to use somebody,who could lie as well as him.  
Vanity took over and Ms.Sanders made her way right to Arthur just to be in the center of camera's view. Of course she couldn't let her heavy make up be unseen by the public. She must have been applying it for hours.  
Ms.Sanders was a big woman,so she needed more space. With a simple head nod to one of two male nurses to leave the room,she made sure to have enough space for herself next to Arthur.  
"Mr.Fleck had a long road to sanity with our help and constant care. He's been the most important patient for a long time. Now you can see a normal adequate person in him.  
I've been the director of Arkham for 15 years and my priority was always the positive result. Here you can see it with your own eyes. The result of my hard work." - Ms.Sanders prepared that speech beforehand for sure. Her eyes were shifting from Mayor to the camera lens as fast as a hare. It was her moment of fame.  
"Thank you for so many years of your service. Mr.Fleck's alter ego "Joker" is erased." - The Mayor leaned closer,nodding to the camera pointedly.  
I bet it was the phrase the Mayor was dying to say. Poor oppressed Gotham people had to see the defeated clown,who once inspired them to go out on the streets and claim their rights. The rebel was broken by unbending authority. It was the lesson for every single person in Gotham. Don't you even dare to stand against the system.  
Arthur's frail body seemed so small among those important powerful people. He looked helpless. It pained me to see him like that. Every bone in my body was  
aching to rush to Arthur and protect him from those fame seeking vultures. The tears started forming in my eyes.  
"Can I say something?" - Arthur's soft voice echoed in the room. He looked at Mayor and then at Ms.Sanders with a smile. His eyes resembled big shining emeralds.  
"Of course you can." - Ms.Sanders put her hand on Arthur's shoulder with an expression of exaggerated kindness. That type of fake sweetness,which can make you sick to your stomach.  
I swallowed hard,trying to suppress the tears. I was standing next to Mayor like a statue of grief.  
"I really wanted to see you,sir. It's once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for somebody like me. For somebody unnoticeable like me," - Arthur's voice sounded louder and louder with every word. He started just like we rehearsed the other day,but I could sense the change in him. Shivers run up my spine, letting me know,that something was wrong. - "The last thing,that I want you to hear from me is an old saying,that will help you to understand me more," - Arthur's mouth twitched nervously into a feral grin. - "The child, who is not embraced by the village, will burn it down to feel its warmth." - Arthur's voice resounded like a broken string. He glanced at me and I could see the maddening rage,filling up his emerald eyes and turning them into black slits.  
As fast as a lightning bolt Arthur jumped up and struck Ms.Sanders right in the neck with a vicious smile on his pale face. Her short squeal cut through space. The deafening buzzing in my head kicked in. The blood was spilling from the wound,flooding the room.  
Ms.Sanders frantically grabbed the male nurse,preventing him from capturing Arthur. The Mayor and his bodyguard pushed me out of the way,storming out of the room like two schoolboys. One of cameramen followed their suit. The other one with long fair hair stood still completely entranced.  
I froze in place,staring at Arthur's distorted grimace. Everything didn't seem real. It was just another nightmare. That's what I was telling myself.  
Arthur turned to me swiftly. His face was covered in blood. In a millisecond he reached me. I felt his hands wrapping my face. There was no fear or disgust in me.  
His big green eyes swallowed me whole. Next thing I knew,Arthur pulled me in and kissed me desperately. It was almost painful. He smashed his lips against mine,like his life hinged on that kiss. I closed my eyes,trying to capture that moment in my memory.  
"Get him!" - I heard loud roar and felt pushed away by someone. Arthur's lips and hands were gone. I opened my eyes and saw three nurses grabbing Arthur and dragging him out. Ms.Sanders was on the floor,having a seizure. Warden was trying to stop the blood,spilling from the wound.  
"Harley!My Harley!" - I heard Arthur's frantic loud laughter and rushed in the corridor. But someone grabbed my arm,pulling me back.  
"No!Don't touch me!Let me go!" - I started crying,completely losing control. Someone pushed me against the wall.  
"Harley!" - Arthur's laughter ricocheted in my head. I looked around and saw the Bold guy staring at me with disgust.  
"Lunatics." - He hissed spitefully.  
I slid on the floor. My legs went numb. The Bald guy turned around and walked up to Warden and Ms.Sanders,who was pale as a chalk. She was dying.  
The blood on the floor was crimson red. Suddenly I noticed something glimmering. The tears were blurring my eyes. I crawled to it.  
It was my dragonfly hairpin,that I gave to Arthur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well,here we are! This is the crucial chapter of my story. Hope you liked it.
> 
> Let me know what you think. Did Arthur plan all of it beforehand? Did he use Harley or did he really fall in love with her?


	19. Armageddon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not over yet...
> 
> Hope to read your thoughts on this chapter))

"One dead body and such a fuss!What's the big deal?!" - Someone's raspy voice echoed in my head.  
"It's Arkham's director,so it matters." - Remote reply followed.  
"What are we gonna do with this blond zombie?" - The raspy voice mumbled,as if I couldn't hear them.  
"We have to let her go. She is still in shock and refuses to talk,so she is useless." - The other one answered loud and clear on purpose.  
I couldn't care less about those faceless creatures talking about me. Being completely shattered,I went numb. Nothing could bother me.  
I stood up and headed out of police station,after 3 hours of pointless staring at the wall. People on the streets were looking at me with repulsion.  
But I only saw their silhouettes. Everything was blurry. I got home on autopilot.  
"Harley!My Harley!" - Arthur's frantic screams were ringing in my head over and over again. I slipped on the floor,covering my ears,as if it could help.  
It was unbearably loud and painful. I crawled to the bathroom like a wounded dog. Arthur's voice was stinging me from within. I turned on the water and started splashing my face to come to my senses. Finally I noticed dried blood on my hands. It was her blood. Ms.Sanders. I didn't like her,but I didn't want her dead.  
"It's my fault! I gave him the weapon! That dragonfly hairpin became lethal in Arthur's hands. But was it really Arthur? It wasn't the person that I knew.  
It wasn't the person,that I got so attached to. Maybe he just used me. Arthur must have planned everything,when he knew,that he would meet Mayor."  
The agony of realization hit me like a ton of bricks. Another betrayal. Another dagger in my back.  
Tears poured out of me,washing away the last shreds of composure. I felt like I was falling into darkness,desperately trying to hang on to something.  
I rushed to the phone.  
"Hallo." - Sweet voice tweeted.  
"Mom..." - I gasped,shaking all over.  
"Harleen? How are you,honey?" - Her gleeful tone hurt my ears.  
"Mommy,I'm in trouble...I need you." - I was stuttering with tears preventing me from talking.  
The desperate attempt to seek help from the closest person,that anybody can have.  
"Honey,what's going on?" - Her reaction was calm and unbothered.  
"Can you come? Please..." - I couldn't control my sobbing.  
"Harleen,I'm out of town. Tell me what's happened?" - I could feel her interest,but there was no worry or compassion.  
"I can't...Mom,please. I need you. Come...only you...without him. Please..." - I was begging her for comfort,for motherly care and love. My hands were trembling and the tears were flooding endlessly.  
I could hear her breathing. She was thinking about the answer. I was praying for her to find enough empathy in her heart for her only daughter.  
"Harleen,you know I can't. Maybe I will call you back later and you'll tell me." - Her soft tender tweeting was sickening. I closed my eyes,feeling like my heart got ripped out of my chest.  
She continued to mumble something,but I couldn't hear her anymore. I hung up on my mother. My body started shaking like I was about to explode. The pain was too intense.  
"Why!" - I cried out,throwing the phone against the wall.  
But it wasn't enough. I started breaking all the stuff,that I could reach. Anger was overwhelming. I was like a storm,sweeping everything out.  
"Stupid bitch!" - I roared,meaning my mother or myself. Most likely both.  
She never put me first. She was his willing puppet. Was that love or fear? Of course father told her not to talk to me or visit me without him. And she obeyed. She always did. My mother didn't love me. No one loved me. No one.  
I don't know how long I'd been destroying my apartment,when I heard a loud doorbell.  
I froze in place.  
"Harleen? It's me! What's going on?" - I heard a familiar voice.  
I couldn't catch my breath.  
"Harleen,open the door!" - Molly wasn't going to leave until I let her in.  
I made my way to the door,still not fully recovered from a nervous breakdown.  
When I opened the door,I saw my neighbour's shocked face. Her eyes widened.  
"Oh,my God." - Molly mumbled completely smitten. My mouth was dry and I had nothing to say to her.  
I bet I looked like a blond witch. My make up was all over the place,my hair was disheveled as if I was electrocuted. Finally my appearance matched my inner mayhem.  
"Oh,sweetheart." - She gasped compassionately,hugging me tightly.  
How much I needed that warmth! I buried my face in her chest,feeling the tears invading my eyes again.  
"Don't hold it back,sweetheart. Cry out and you'll feel better." - Her soft voice was so comforting. I let it go. Probably my sobbing could be heard from a mile away.

Molly took me in,making me a hot tea with some cookies. I really felt better,being surrounded by Molly's care and compassion. She was trying to make me talk, but I just couldn't. Something in me broke. When she realized,that all her attempts were useless,she started telling me some fun stories. It was so endearing to see her efforts.  
"Harleen,stay here. You can't sleep in your apartment." - It was getting late and Molly offered me her home.  
"Molly,thank you. But I need to go. I'll clean up my mess." - I came up to her and kissed her on a cheek.  
"I'll come by tomorrow,Harleen." - Molly smiled at me with kindness. She was the only person,who was always ready to help me.

I returned to my wrecked apartment. What a mess I made! All the pictures,all the dishes were on the floor. The only mirror I had was broken in pieces and  
I couldn't even remember how I did it. The last time I had such a nervous breakdown was long time ago. When I was at school. I felt lost.  
How could I trust my patient? How could I cross every line? How could I let that disaster happen? I wanted Arthur to live,but he decided to kill Ms.Sanders.  
He knew,that it was a suicide,but he didn't care.  
I came up to my bed and fell on it,completely exhausted mentally and physically.

"Harley!My Harley!" - Arthur's hysterical laughter resonated through my body.  
I opened my eyes to see people running around a big fire. They all wore black pyjamas. Their faces were hidden under devil's masks.  
Arthur was in a straight jacket,chained to the post right in the middle of the fire.  
"Put down the fire!" - I rushed to him,screaming at the top of my lungs. The fire was so bright and hot.  
People didn't hear me.  
"Stop it!" - I started grabbing people in black pyjamas.But they were pushing me away.  
"Harley!" - Arthur's voice echoed through their loud clomping.  
I came as close as I could to the fire,staring at his pale aristocratic face. Arthur's big green eyes seemed enormous. The tears were streaming down  
his face. The smell of burned skin hit my nose. I couldn't tell whether it was my skin or Arthur's. The pain filled every fiber of my body.  
Arthur was looking at me with despair and tenderness mixed up together.  
I could feel irresistible urge to jump into that fire to be with him. Nothing mattered anymore.  
Just one more step. I closed my eyes,feeling the overwhelming warmth devouring me whole. 

I woke up from a loud knocking. Reluctantly,I got up and walked to the door.  
"Harleen,it's me." - Molly's voice was full of urgency.  
I couldn't tell how early it was. The only clock,that I had was broken yesterday by me.  
I opened the door and saw Molly's red face.  
"Sweetheart,have you watched TV?" - Her voice was cracking nervously.  
I was still half asleep.  
"No. I've just woken up." - I mumbled under my nose,scratching my eyes.  
"Harleen,it's 6 pm. I've seen everything,that happened. Poor little angel!" - Molly was blabbering so fast,that I could hardly follow.  
"What?" - I asked,feeling confused.  
"There was a video,where that crazy maniac killed a harmless woman and our Mayor was there. He run out like a coward. You were there. That psycho attacked you too!" - Molly was expressively gesticulating,making me feel dizzy.  
My mind started reeling. How could they air that! How could Mayor let that footage out!  
"It was cut out! But I bet everybody saw it! Poor girl! Why didn't you tell me?!" - Molly took my hand with sincere compassion.  
I froze in place,staring at her,as if she told me,that Armageddon would happen in 10 minutes.  
"Harleen, it's alright now. They won't let him get away with it." - She said with a smile,trying to comfort me.  
Somehow I knew,that it became a bigger problem,now that all Gotham saw Arthur again. Not Arthur. Joker.


	20. The Final Decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just had so much fun,writing this chapter)) I hope you'll be satisfied with it too!  
Let me know your thoughts!))

It was a very strange feeling in my gut. The storm was coming. The image of Arthur beaten up in Arkham was stuck in my mind. I was praying for him to survive it. I was praying to see him again. Even though I knew,that he manipulated and tricked me,my feelings were too strong to deny. I didn't want to wake up in the morning and know,that I wasn't going to talk to Arthur,feel his emerald eyes piercing me. There was no purpose even to live.  
While I was slowly picking up the pieces of broken glass from the floor,I heard my phone cry out from the corner,where I threw him. He was still "alive" to my surprise. But I didn't react to it. I slid on the floor and exhaled loudly,as if a big pile of bricks was put on my shoulders. I was so tired.  
My white coat,that was smeared with blood,was lying on my bed. I lost a touch with reality,if I could sleep right next to it.  
I gasped angrily,picking up that white coat to take it to the bathroom. The sound of something falling on the floor made me stop.  
"Shit." - I muttered,seeing my dragonfly hairpin covered in dry blood.  
I must have put it in my pocket,thought I couldn't remember that. The cops would be very happy to find it in my apartment for sure. Without even blinking I flushed that murderous hairpin down the toilet. The instinct of self-preservation is natural.  
The next hour I spent cleaning up the mess. But thoughts in my head could never be sorted out. I could pretend to be ok. That's what I did all my life.  
No one outside my family knew how broken and confused I was,because Harleen was a good girl with a big broad smile on her face. How could they even suspect, that I was terrified every minute of my life. How could anyone think,that I was scared every night. Praying for my father to be too drunk or tired to come to my bedroom.  
The sounds of sirens outside were getting louder and louder,making me more uncomfortable than usual. I was almost done with cleaning up,when I heard loud stomping and male voices in the corridor. Something told me,that those people were coming for me. The thunderous knocking on the door proved,that I was right.  
"Ms.Quinzel,it's Gotham police. Open the door." - Raspy dry voice uttered sternly.  
"The consequences are always inevitable." - I thought to myself,resigning to my fate.  
I opened the door and saw three men with grey gloomy faces. They walked in silently,as if it was their apartment.  
"Ms. Quinzel,we have some questions about your relationship with Fleck." - The tallest one in a black hat growled.  
"I'm his psychiatrist." - I said indifferently,watching them shuffle around my flat.  
"We interviewed your colleagues and...they have some doubts about your professionalism. Some witnessed you being inappropriate with your patient." - He looked at me condescendingly.  
I felt cold shivers running up and down my spine. Of course those cockroaches would malign me. The anger was building up in me.  
"I don't think,that you should take these gossips seriously." - I clenched my fists,trying to hide my rage. The sounds of sirens were becoming so loud,that I had to try very hard to hear them.  
"Well,we have a suspicion about your participation in the murder of Ms.Sanders. Because you had a motive." - The other man with snake eyes mumbled through his teeth.  
"Motive?" - I gasped genuinely surprised. I heard obnoxious screeching of tires from outside. The cop with grey long hair looked out of the windows.  
"Exactly. Ms.Sanders had issued a dismissal on your name,just before she was killed by Fleck." - The man in black hat grinned at me.  
My heart almost stopped. She wanted to get rid of me,as soon as Mayor would have his moment with Arthur. Ms.Sanders planned everything. The anger morphed into malice. My mouth twitched hysterically.  
"I didn't know about it. She didn't tell me." - I hissed,hardly maintaining my balance. My head got so heavy.  
"It's getting very messy out there,Sam." - The man with snake eyes mumbled worrily to the one in a black hat.  
That "Sam" came to the window and looked out. Through the buzzing in my head I could still hear a noise from the street. Screams,screeching and sirens mixed up.  
"Look what you've done with your sick clown." - The man in black hat turned to me angrily.  
I opened my mouth to say something,but nothing came out.  
"We will bring you to justice" - The cop with snake eyes grabbed me by my arm,dragging me out in the corridor.  
"Don't touch me!" - I cried out in pain.  
"Shut up." - He hissed in my ear.  
I couldn't fight with a strong man,feeling weak and helpless.  
"What are you doing?" - I heard Molly's voice from behind.  
"Our job,ma'am. Apprehending the criminal." - The raspy voice answered her.  
"She is not a criminal! Let her go!" - I looked back to see Molly trying to get to me. The tears poured out of my eyes. The man in black hat pushed her away like a garbage. "Hurry up!" - The man,who was dragging me down the stairs,was squeezing my arm as tight as he could. The pain was paralyzing.  
The screams on the street sounded thunderous. As soon as he opened the door,I saw fire everywhere and people running around like wild animals. It resembled my recent nightmare so much.  
"Sam?" - The snake-eyed man turned to the man in a black hat. They were hesitant about going out. They were scared.  
"Look what you've done with your sick clown." - echoed in my head. That was what he meant. Arthur ignited another riot in Gotham,showing his unbreakable spirit. That leaked tape exposed the Mayor to everyone as a coward. What more Gotham could ask for?  
I felt satisfaction rise in me like a big ocean wave. Those three tough men were standing in the doorway,terrified by the mayhem on the street. It seemed so funny to me in that moment. The giggle started from within me. It was too much for me to handle. Too many feelings tearing me apart all at once. The laughter was the only way i could let it out.  
"What you're laughing at,bitch!" - I heard angry hissing.  
"You're cowards!" - I laughed out hysterically. My agonizing pain morphed into that reaction. The tears were streaming down from pressure.  
Someone slapped me across my face,sending me flying to the wall. I looked up at three cops,standing above me like mountains. They seemed so pathetic to me.  
Those men were brave only with weak and helpless.  
Someone run past the door with a roar and I saw how the man with snake eyes shuddered and hid behind the cop in a black hat. That made me burst into laughter all over again.  
"She is as crazy as him." - The cop with long grey hair mumbled with obvious disgust and fear.  
"We need some back up,Sam." - The snake-eyed man looked at the man in a black hat.  
"Everybody's busy. Don't you see what's going on outside?! - The cop in charge growled irritably.  
"I guess you're in trouble,boys" - I hissed at them defiantly,not caring about anything at all.  
The mayhem on the street felt like a relief to me. I breathed in and out freely,feeling the fire raging outside. Such a strange, bitter-sweet emotion. The confused and grey faces of the cops made me feel in control. They were the ones terrified. Not me. How intoxicating it was!  
"You'd better shut your mouth or we will throw you out there!" - The snake-eyed man made a move on me,grabbing me by my hair and pulling me up from the ground.  
"I've been out there all my life!" - I roared and clawed in his face like a rabid cat.  
"Dammit!Hold her!" - He squealed terrified,trying to push me away.  
I felt strong arms,grabbing me and dragging me out on the street.  
As soon as I became a part of the noise and the smell of hell on the street,I felt relieved.  
I stood up slowly,looking around me and noticing some people wearing clown masks. It made me smile and think about Arthur.  
"Go ahead,little bitch!" - I heard a growl from behind.  
Turning back to face them,I made a final decision.  
"Hey! The cops are here!They are hiding from us!" - I rushed right in the crowd,pointing to the entrance.  
Some people didn't pay attention to my shouts and gestures,but a big group of teenagers with bats turned to me with interest and excitement glimmering in their eyes. They rushed to me and I greeted them with a broad smile on my bruised tear-stained face.


	24. Hail to the Joker!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's getting crazier out there:))  
Hope you'll like this chapter. Let me know your thoughts))

"Crash it! Burn this shit down!" - The screams were coming from everywhere,resounding in my head like a heavy metal tune.  
I was walking down the streets of Gotham,feeling as if I was in one of my nightmares. It all seemed so surreal.  
My life,as I knew it,ended. I didn't feel any fear of becoming a victim that crazy night. If somebody killed me right then and there,it would be fine by me.  
My dam broke. All the mental barriers,that I built in my mind with so much effort,were destroyed. The illusion of stability vanished in the haze,like it never existed.  
I couldn't go back. My life turned into an endless bad day.  
People were running past me,as if I was a ghost,roaming around Gotham. The garbage flooded the town. Broken cars with shattered windows,the smoke coming from everywhere,shops and caffes were dismantled. The mayhem took total control. Police cars were abandoned on the road,because no one wanted to deal with wild crowd of angry desperate and poor.  
I understood those people. I could fully relate to their rage. I made sure,that three men,who came for me,were beaten up or even killed. Though I didn't stay to watch it. Twisted thrill of being in control of someone's life was sickening and exciting all at the same time.  
I didn't want to question my behavior anymore. Everything went off the rails,as soon as I stepped into Arkham. No. As soon as I met Arthur Fleck.  
Someone was running towards me. I squinted my eyes,trying to see better through the smoke.  
"Hail to the Joker!" - I heard a joyful youthful voice. He wore a clown mask. That boy must have been not older than 14.  
I stopped,watching him gallop away. That clown mask became the symbol of rebellion for better or for worse.  
Something was so liberating about wearing the mask and being anonymous. I noticed a cracked clown mask on the side road.  
Hearing the sound of my own heart beating in my ears,I slowly hunched down and picked it up. I felt extreme urge to put it on. What else could I lose?  
I was standing on the edge and I loved the air blowing my hair.  
As soon as I put the clown mask on,the chilling sensation came through me. It felt like I'd made a final step into madness.  
I continued walking,but my posture changed. Confidence rose in me,the sense of invisible armour.  
I didn't know how long I'd been walking,when I saw familiar red and green lights sparkling. "Monty's place" was standing intact among the chaos like a white house.  
Without any hesitation I stepped in. It was empty,but I heard voices coming from behind the counter. I carefully followed those voices.  
"We need to hurry up. They must have been working on him all this time." - I heard a loud bass,resonating underneath my feet.  
I hunched down and touched the wooden floor.  
"Yeah! Let's take all of the guns we have!" - Female worried voice chimed in.  
I noticed a little recess and put my thumb in,dragging it up. The floor opened from under me and I saw a ladder. I slowly walked down into the unknown.  
At least 50 pairs of eyes greeted me. I looked around,examining their faces. There were men and women,some teenagers in a big brown room,filled with guns hanging on the walls.  
"Who are you?" - Enormously ripped man in a red cap stepped forward,pointing a gun in my face.  
I slowly took off my cracked clown mask.  
"Doctor,is it you?" - A cheerful voice stuttered loudly. Young man with a long shabby fair hair came up to me with a smile on his face.  
I recognized him immediately. It was one of the cameramen at that bloody Mayor's show.  
Everything came together like a puzzle. The tape was leaked by him.  
"Calm down,Danny! It's our Doctor." - He shook his head,turning to a huge man with gun.  
"Don't call me that...call me Harleen." - I mumbled through my teeth,feeling disgusted by the sound of the word "doctor".  
The muscle man finally put his gun down.  
"Ms.Quinzel,what a pleasant surprise!" - Familiar italian accent resounded in the room,making the crowd part. Bill came through like a king. His silver-blue eyes were shining with joy.  
I stood still motionlessly and stared at people,who were looking at me with obvious admiration. Did i really deserve their respect?  
"You must have been through hell." - I felt a firm hand on my shoulder. Pity in Bill's eyes reflected how bad I looked.  
I felt hot and cold all at the same time.  
"Joker can't wait anymore. These basterds could have killed him already." - The woman with a long black hair came forward proudly. She was the only one,who didn't seem to be impressed by my sudden appearance.  
My mind threw me a vivid image of bruised and beaten Arthur in the pool of blood.  
"She is right. They always wanted to finish him,just waiting for the right moment." - I finally spoke out.  
"Well,then we will go right away. You can show us,where they keep him." - Bill bared his teeth and turned to the crowd.  
The fear of finding Arthur dead was worse,than anything. I still felt resentment after he manipulated me,but it couldn't erase my need for him.  
"Take this." - The fair haired camera guy handed me a black pistol nonchalantly,like it was a cookie. It felt so ice-cold in my hand.  
People were ready to risk their lives for Arthur. I couldn't help but respect it.  
"If you're too tired,you can stay here." - The woman with long black hair came up to me with a clown mask in her hand. Her chestnut-hazel eyes were piercing me. I could feel the waves of suppressed aggression from her.  
"No. I'll go." - I said dryly.  
She grinned at me and went up the ladder. That woman definately had something against me.  
People started to go up one by one. Everyone held clown masks. When they were passing me,I could feel energy accumulating in me. I was like an abandoned soldier,who finally found his troop.  
"Let's go,Harleen." - Bill walked up to me and slowly put on a mask,as if it was a sacred rite.  
I nodded and followed him up the ladder,putting my cracked mask on without any hesitation.


	25. Escape from Arkham

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go!  
Let me know, what you think about the direction of my story))

Joker's army marched through the backdoor. Bill had jeeps ready for us. I was really impressed by that preparation. I sat down in the first grey jeep with Bill. It was very hot in the car,so we all took off the mask.My heart was beating so loud in my ears,that my head hurt. Everyone was silent in the car. It added intensity to our crazy endeavour. How did I end up with those people? Well,you already know.  
The pistol in my pocket was burning my skin. Would I be able to use it? I was still unaware of how far I could go for Arthur. All those thoughts made me short of breath.  
When painfully familiar Arkham's shape appeared,I gasped loudly.  
"Don't worry. They don't have a lot security right now." - Bill uttered,keeping his eyes on the road.  
"How do you know?" - I asked nervously.  
"My nephew was sent there yesterday as a guard." - I saw how Bill's full lips formed a smile.  
"He will help us then." - Adrenaline pumped in me to extreme degree.  
Bill turned to me and winked cunningly.  
We stopped in the darkest corner and hastily got off the jeep.  
"They must have locked him on the second floor."- I said,looking up at my former work place. The place,that I dreamed to enter as a doctor and make a name for myself. Well,I can't say,that I didn't,although for the bad reason.  
"Got it. Do you know how to use it?" - Bill pointed to the pistol in my hand,that I held so clumsily.  
"Not really." - I shyly tucked my dirty hair behind my ear.  
"Let me show you. You have to hold it steadily with both hands. Your pistol has 8 bullets in it's chamber. You can check it like this.Never put your finger on the trigger,until you are ready to aim. Before shooting you take your gun off safety like this." - Bill gave me a short instruction with an obvious pleasure. I tried to memorize his every move.  
"Just don't be afraid. Don't overthink it. Joker waits for us." - The camera guy came up with his gleeful remark. Probably it all seemed like a game to him.  
I gave him a forced smiled and slowly repeated what Bill did with my pistol.  
"Good job. You're a quick learner." - Bill nodded to me approvingly. I felt like a schoolgirl.  
"Everyone's ready." - I heard a deep female voice.  
The woman with long black hair was standing behind us with crossed arms. Her pointy face features matched the stern look in her hazel eyes.  
"Alright, Iris." - Bill answered confidently,turned to the big crowd ready to take Arkham.  
"Let's get our Joker out!" - The camera guy pumped his fist vigorously.  
The crowd supported him by doing the same. I put back my cracked clown mask,feeling scared and excited all at the same time.  
Bill divided "the clown army" into 2 groups. I was going in the second. The first had to break into Arkham. It was led by muscle guy Danny in the red cap,who previously pointed a gun to my face. Surprisingly Iris was the only woman in the first group. They went ahead.  
"Follow me,Harleen." - Bill shook my shoulder,making sure,that I heard him clear.  
I nodded nervously.  
Everything happened so fast. Shots fired and the frantic screaming began. I was running behind Bill,holding my pistol. We entered Arkham. I couldn't recognize it anymore. It seemed unfamiliar and new to me. My mindset changed completely. I wasn't doctor Quinzel any longer.  
Dead bodies of 3 guards were lying on the stairs. The smell of gunpowder and blood mixed together. I held my breath not to vomit.  
"Hurry up!" - A tall guy in a guard apparel waved at us. Bill turned to me swiftly. I stormed up the stairs after him.  
As soon as we reached the second floor,I saw a long white corridor,smeared with blood. It was everywhere. On the walls,on the ceiling,on the floor.  
It looked like a scene from a horror movie. I saw a couple of people in clown masks dead on the floor.  
"He is at the end of the corridor!In solitary!" - I walked right up to Bill and screamed in his ear.  
He started moving forward,while I was following his footsteps. 5 men were still firing back. We were getting closer and closer,pushing them back. I could see long black hair swinging from side to side. Iris was shooting with impressive precision right next to tough guys.  
"Danny,pick it up!" - Bill shouted,pointing to the double-barrel near the dead guard.  
The muscle guy in the red cap did it right away and started firing at them with a roar. I heard deafening cries and 2 guards dropped dead. Only 3 men were left. The bullets were flying back and forth. It got so hazy in the corridor. I was hiding behind Bill's broad back. The shots from the opposite side stopped.  
Iris went ahead and I lost a sight of her in the heavy smoke. After couple of seconds of dead silence,I heard one more shot. I shuddered.  
"He is here!" - Finally we heard her deep voice,but something was wrong. I could sense it.  
I rushed past Bill,my brain stopped functioning.  
The corridor seemed so long and slippery. The only image in my head was Arthur's dead body. It seemed like my heart stopped beating.The image of it clouded my mind.  
I finally reached Iris. She was standing in the doorway motionalessly. Her eyes were fixed on something. I looked in.  
"Don't you even think about it or he is dead." - Warden was standing with a gun pointed at Arthur's head. He was strapped to bed like an animal.  
Suddenly I remembered,that I was wearing a clown mask. Warden couldn't recognize me.  
His little eyes were hecticly shifting from me to Iris. Warden was desperate,though his military posture was still intact.  
Bill and others gathered behind the door.  
"I called for the back up. They are coming to get you all in a minute,Sick clowns." - Warden hissed like a rattling snake.  
"Why do you think we're going to wait for them?" - Iris aimed a gun at him confidently.  
"Because you need your Joker." - Warden gave us a smug smirk.  
Suddenly an idea struck me.  
"How can we know,that he is sill alive?" - I said dryly,being surprised by my own audacity.  
Warden stared at me with fear slowly invading his eyes. I carefully took off my mask.  
His little eyes widened.  
"Doctor Quinzel?!" - Warden's raspy voice was soaked in shock.  
"Arthur!Can you hear me!" - I called out loudly.  
The silence answered me. My heart was pounding in my ears like a drum.  
"What did you do to him?" - I asked angrily. I felt Iris's eyes on me.  
"He is sedated,but alive. But not for long,if you move." - Warden spit out maliciously.  
"I don't believe you." - I said,squinting my eyes.  
Warden's grey wrinkled face fell in surprise.  
"Let me check his pulse." - My voice sounded loud and demanding.  
For a brief moment I could notice Warden's thought process. He knew too well,that he was outnumbered.  
"Throw away a gun." - He finally spoke out,nodding to my hand in the pocket.  
I slowly took out my pistol and threw it in the far corner of the room.  
"Don't do anything stupid,doctor." - Warden hissed at me with a repulsive grin on his grey face.  
I stepped forward,feeling like I was walking on a tightrope. Warden's pose was so extremely tense,that it seemed like he was ready jump on me. The gun was still steadily aimed at Arthur's head.  
I hunched down at his bed. Arthur's skin was as pale as a chalk. He looked so majestic with his eyes closed. His dark thick eyelashes and eyebrows seemed like were painted on his aristocratic face.  
"I always knew,that you were shady." - I heard Warden's vicious whisper.  
I stayed still,not paying any attention to him. I took Arthur's frail hand and shuddered. It was so cold.  
"Is he alive?" - Iris's worried voice resonated so loud,that it deafened me for a moment. Her question must have been heard through all Arkham.  
Tears blurred my eyes,as I was trying to find Arthur's pulse. I took a deep breath.  
"Joker is dead! Kill him!" - I screamed out,sheltering Arthur's body with mine.  
"No!It can't be!" - The last thing I heard was Warden's frantic cry,before the thunderous hail of bullets started.  
I was covering Arthur desperately,not caring about my own safety at all. It seemed like forever to me. My head was buzzing so loud,as if a swarm of bees flew into my ears.  
When finally the shots stopped,I opened my eyes. I looked behind me and found Warden lying on the floor,riddled with bullets. His mouth and eyes were wide open.  
The blood was pouring from his mouth,flooding the room.  
"Joker?!" - Bill stormed in,taking off his clown mask. His silver-blue eyes were filled with horror.  
My mouth was so dry,that I was struggling to speak. Iris's face became purple.  
"Calm down. He's alive." - I finally mumbled through my teeth.  
"What?! But..." - Bill started,when realisation finally hit him. I could notice admiration glimmering in his eyes.  
"Shit!" - Iris came up to me with a wry smile on her face. She looked at Arthur,who was still motionless on the bed. Her eyes examined him like a treasure-trove.  
"We'd better hurry up!" - Bill exclaimed,making a sign to the muscle man in the red cap. Danny walked up to Arthur,as I unstrapped him from bed.  
That huge man picked Arthur up so easily,like he was as light as a feather.  
I stood up,but my legs went numb. My body was in so much stress and exhaustion,that it was refusing to function.  
"Common!" - Iris put back her mask and took me by the arm,dragging me out.  
I don't remember how we left Arkham. Everything was in a blur. My head was spinning and I was running after Iris like a dog on a leash.  
When we finally got in the car,I sat on the back seat. Danny carefully lay Arthur next to me. I put his head on my lap. Iris and Bill sat in the front.  
"Is he breathing?" - Iris turned around,staring at Arthur.  
"Yes. He's got a threadlike pulse. We have to clean his system from sedatives." - My voice sounded unnaturally low and raspy.  
"Ok. I know where to go." - Bill said calmly and hastily started a car with a roar.  
"Arthur..." - I whispered under my breath,staring at painfully familiar face. I ran my hand through his dark dry hair. The warm sensation filled me up.  
Happiness of seeing him right by my side was overwhelming. Finally I could trace his beautiful aristocratic features with my fingers without a fear of being caught. I leaned over,resting my forehead against his. Arthur's slow quiet breathing blended with mine perfectly. I could spend the rest of my life like this.  
When I finally sat straight,I saw burning chestnut-hazel eyes in the rearview mirror staring me down.


	26. Ascension

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quiet after the storm))
> 
> I'm having some thoughts about how I want to end my story. The journey of my Harleen)  
Please let me know what you think))

"Andrea!Open up!" - Bill was banging on the wooden door of the small old house with one window. Arthur was in Danny's hands like a sleepy child.  
It was so cold outside,that I prayed to get into the house as soon as possible.  
Finally I heard someone's shuffling and mumbling behind the door.  
"Who is it?" - The woman was obviously not happy about our visit in the middle of the night.  
"Andrea,knock it off! Open the door!" - Bill's angry roar made me shudder.  
"Jesus..." - The door slowly opened and a woman in her late 50s stared at us with her sleepy swollen blue eyes.She was wearing a long pink robe.  
"That's right. Jesus is my middle name,honey." - Bill petted her plump cheek and walked in,as we all followed him.  
"Andrea,you need to fix this man and you'd better hurry up." - Bill was ordering around like he owned that house.  
"Well,I should know better,than to let you in. You're always bringing trouble with you." - Andrea looked at Arthur's frail pale body with disgust.  
"It's Joker. I brought Joker to you,Andrea." - Bill sat in the old brown armchair and lit up a cigarette.  
Andrea shook her grey hair in disbelief. She came up to Arthur and looked in his face.  
"Oh,my God!" - Andrea gasped,covering her mouth. I couldn't fathom whether it was horror or excitement.  
"Please,we need to give him fluids. He's got too much sedatives in his system and he is malnourished." - I was trying to stand straight,while my head was spinning.  
"Are you a doctor?" - Andrea finally noticed me.  
"She is a psychiatrist. You better hurry up." - Bill interfered irritably.  
Andrea mumbled some profanity under her nose and shuffled to Danny,who was holding Arthur in his big arms like a child.  
"Let's go." - She went ahead and Danny followed her. I stumbled after them.  
"You need to rest as well." - I heard familiar deep female voice.  
I looked back and found Iris next to a small fireplace,trying to warm her hands.  
I must have looked like shit. But I had to make sure,that Arthur was taken care of. So I just followed Andrea through a narrow corridor,which led to a bedroom full of dolls and toys. Andrea came up to a big white wardrobe,that she opened and parted the clothes. I saw how she nonchalantly pushed the back wall and I saw another room. A very big spacious one with brown furniture and dark grey walls.  
"Lay him here carefully." - Andrea pointed to one of the beds by the walls. It looked like a little private hospital.  
Danny put unconscious Arthur on the bed. I watched Andrea examine him with a rather professional precision and sincere care.  
"You can go,boy." - She said,not even looking at the muscle guy. He glanced at me briefly and walked out.  
"You're a nurse,right?" - I said,coming closer to her.  
"35 years at the state hospital." - She mumbled dryly,preparing the fluids for injection.  
I exhaled with relief,dragging my feet to the chair next to the bed.  
Arthur looked so peaceful and pure. Almost like an angel. I couldn't help but feel content,knowing that he was here with me,still alive.  
"Help me out,please." - Andrea turned to me and I stood up,feeling dizzy.  
"Hold up his head." - She said,looking right in my eyes.  
I came up to Arthur and help up his head with my shaking hands. His dark hair seemed longer somehow. I was staring at him as if I was afraid,that it was just a dream.  
"It's done. He will be fine." - I heard Andrea's voice through my loud heartbeat.  
"Are you sure?" - I asked,still staring at Arthur's pale angelic face.  
"Yes. He's going to wake up in 3-4 hours. And you need to sleep,girl." - Andrea's hand rested on my shoulder. Her tone changed from dry and indifferent to compassionate.  
I looked up at her,barely keeping my eyes open. I was so exhausted.  
"I need to be there,when he wakes up." - I mumbled under my nose.  
Andrea's face lit up with tenderness,as if she heard something very familiar to her.  
"And you will be." - She smiled softly and pointed to the bed on the opposite side.  
I slowly shuffled there like a drowsy child.  
"Thank you." - I turned to Andrea,when she was in the doorway.  
She nodded to me with a soft smile on her face. As soon as I finally closed my eyes,I felt falling into a warm and soft arms of darkness.

"Harleen,what have you done? School principal said,that you scratched the girl's face." - My mother's voice resonated in my head.  
"Carla was bullying me,calling me names. I told you so many times." - My own voice sounded strangely distant.  
"But is doesn't mean,that you have to fight with her!" - My mother's voice was getting louder and angrier.  
"I can't stand it anymore! You never protect me! I have to do it myself! I'm all alone!" - I felt the lump in my throat. Despair and agony filled my mind.  
"Of course you're always a victim,Harleen!" - Mother's voice sounded cruel and devoided of any emotion.  
"Not anymore,Mom! I'm going to stand up for myself! I won't let you put me down!" - I heard my voice crack from the pressure and tears.  
"Harleen,go to your room!Now! Or I'm going to call your father!" - Her thunderous voice was tearing my head apart.  
"Like you always do,Mom! You can't deal with your own daughter! I'm nothing to you!Why did you even give birth to me!?" - The pain was unbearable.  
"Because when I knew,that I was pregnant,it was too late for abortion!" - My head was ready to explode from my mother's frantic revelation.  
The silence deafened me from within. I could feel tears burning my cheeks. My hands were desperately gripping into something. I was trying to catch my breath.  
"Harley,it's just a dream." - Soft tender voice burst in.  
I was too afraid to open my eyes.  
"Harley,you're with me now. No one's going to hurt you." - The sound of familiar soothing voice worked like a strong sedative.  
Finally,I opened my eyes and found Arthur sitting right by my side. His big emerald eyes were shining with warmth,that could melt a glacier.


	27. The Taste of Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harleen gets a reality check and Arthur shows himself in a new light))  
I'm driving the story of two broken souls further. I hope you'll like this passionate chapter.

Here he was sitting right next to me. So close,that I could reach out my hand and touch his pale aristocratic face. I didn't know what to say. It seemed like the speech,that I prepared while his head was resting on my lap in the car, was completely erased from my mind. Arthur's green eyes were on me and nothing else mattered. He was silent too,as if he'd already said everything he wanted to. I was afraid to even move,still not fully sure whether it was a dream or reality.  
When Andrea walked in,she saw us staring at each other like two lovesick teenagers.  
"Well,I hope I'm not interrupting anything. Glad you're both awake." - The irony could be felt in every word.  
Arthur shuddered and turned to her.  
"My name is Andrea. I'm so happy to see you in person...Joker." - She shyly came up to Arthur,reaching out her hand.  
I sat up on the bed,watching Arthur slowly realize,that he was not in Arkham anymore.  
"So nice to meet you,Andrea." - He carefully shook her hand and looked back at me.  
"Harley,how is it even possible?" - Arthur's eyes were glimmering with happiness and surprise.  
"You are free...with the help of people here. I'll introduce you to them. Andrea helped to get sedatives out of you system and gave us shelter." - Finally I stood up,feeling recharged.  
"I can't even describe how grateful I am." - Arthur took Andrea's hand and kissed it,smiling at her.  
She blushed instantly,loosing at least 10 years. Andrea was smitten by Arthur's good manners. I couldn't help but smile.  
"Oh,common. I've made some pasta for you. Let's go." - Andrea shook her head nervously and rushed out of the room.  
Arthur giggled mischievously. That sound was pure and joyous. In that moment I felt happy. I felt worthy.  
"Let's go then." - Arthur looked at me,reaching out his hand.  
Without any hesitation I took it.  
We walked in the living room,where everyone was already waiting for us. Bill jumped up as if he saw a ghost,staring at Arthur like a true fanboy.  
Iris stood motionlessly near the window. Her hazel eyes widened with excitement. The camera guy rushed right to Arthur.  
"Joker! Now you're with us! My name is Keith!I was there,when you stubbed that woman! I filmed it! It was so cool!" - Childish broad smile on his face was contagious.  
"Keith,shut up! Let me explain everything." - Bill stepped in like a father of a misbehaving boy.  
Arthur squeezed my hand tighter.  
"My name is Gian Battista Abbiate,but friends call me Bill. It's such an honor to have you here with us." - Bill showed off his italian accent and made sure to look right in Arthur's eyes ingratiatingly.  
Arthur stood still. I knew he wasn't used to such a respectful treatment. It was all new to him.  
"I'm sorry,but I'm lost for words. You broke me out of Arkham. I thank you all for it." - Finally Arthur spoke out with a soft smile on his pale face,looking around at all the people.  
"We couldn't let them keep the voice of Gotham in cage." - Iris stepped forward,holding her head up proudly.  
I could feel Arthur shivering. I looked up at him and saw sheer excitement in his big green eyes. It was something,that he always craved. To be seen,to be noticed,to be admired.  
"Well,I'm finally out of my cage." - Arthur's voice resonated in the room,making everyone smile. He let go of my hand and stepped forward to the people,who started to come closer. They all wanted to shake his hand,as if he was a prophet. I stood behind Arthur,feeling strange. As if I wasn't needed there. Arthur was surprisingly confident among those strangers.  
When Iris's turn came,she made sure to shake his hand longer than anyone else. Her chestnut eyes fixed on Arthur with predatory attention. I felt an urge to get in between them,but I held back.  
Finally,when each person had his handshake,Arthur looked back at me.  
"This woman is my savior. Her kindness was the only thing,that kept me alive." - Arthur's emerald eyes glimmered with extreme affection.  
He took my hand and led me forward. I felt blood rush to my face.  
"Doctor Quinzel was so brave during the escape. She literally saved the day." - Bill smiled at me respectfully.  
"Really? I want to hear this story in details!" - Arthur exclaimed with a broad smile on his face.  
"Let's do this at the table. My pasta is getting cold." - Andrea got impatient.  
Well,we were all hungry,so everybody went straight to the table without any hesitation.  
I sat next to Arthur,Bill sat next to me and Iris was on the opposite side,facing me. Pasta was delicious or maybe I was starving,so anything would seem tasty.  
After some time in silence,Keith started blabbering about how the escape went. Bill helped him with some details. Arthur's reaction was very emotional.  
I could feel the energy coming from him. It seemed like the story of his prison break was charging him like a battery. His big green eyes were sparkling like two emeralds. When Bill got to the part,where I tricked Warden and got him killed,Arthur's body tensed up like a string,as if he mentally went back there.  
"Harley,did you really do this for me? You could be killed or shut?!"- Arthur turned to me in shock.  
"I didn't care about myself in that moment..." - I said dryly. Bill's retelling made me feel a familiar horror. The sound of bullets,Warden's last cry and blood everywhere. My mind went back in that room.  
"She put herself on the line just like everyone here. It was all for you,Joker." - Deep female voice interrupted our silent intense stare.  
Iris raised her glass of wine,nodding to everyone to do the same.  
"Hail to the Joker!" - Keith shouted out gleefully,followed by the choir repeating after him.  
Arthur stood up and bowed to them incrediably gracefuly like a seasoned actor at the end of the play. I raised my glass too,but I just couldn't make myself drink it.  
Something in me was off. Arthur handled himself so calmly and confidently,as if nothing happened and his life wasn't a living nightmare just a couple of hours ago. He excepted his new role easily. I didn't expect it at all.  
When everyone finally finished eating,I stood up from the table and Arthur followed me.  
"Can I have a word with you,please?" - Bill rushed to Arthur.  
"Of course." - Arthur answered calmly.  
Bill whispered something in his ear.  
"Harley,I'll be right back." - Arthur nodded to me and went into another room with Bill.  
I walked to Andrea,offering my help in washing dishes. She gladly excepted. Somehow the sound of water and clattering of dishes made me calm down.  
It was sort of a meditation. My thoughts went far away from blood and screams.  
"I saw that Mayor's interview. You handled it so well." - Andrea's chutter made my mind switch back to reality.  
"In fact I didn't." - I mumbled indifferently.  
"I think,that some people are able to go through hell and survive,while some are not. You are definately a survivor." - Andrea was trying so hard to engage me in that conversation.  
"I know how hell feels like. It wasn't it." - I kept on washing dishes with a double energy.  
"Oh,everyone here is damaged. Happy people would never become clowns." - Andrea stopped washing and started to dry dishes with a towel.  
She was right. All those people were scarred in one way or another. Each one of them saw themselves in Arthur. He was a reflection of all of their wounds.  
"As a psychiatrist you must know it better than anybody else. That's why you ended up on Joker's side." - She came up to me with a bitter smile on her face.  
Her blue eyes were trying to find something in me. But I stood emotionlessly,not showing her my pain.  
"Well,I guess it's done." - I mumbled calmly,giving her the last plate to dry.  
"Thank you for your help." - Andrea said,unsatisfied by my lack of emotion.  
I walked out and found Iris talking to Arthur. Everything in me burned up with anger. Her long black silky hair,her hazel cat-like eyes and a slender figure with a rather voluptuous curves could attract any man with instincts. Arthur was listening to her intently,tilting his head. I couldn't watch them anymore.  
"Harley..." - As soon as I put my hand on Arthur's shoulder,he turned to me,losing any interest in what Iris was telling him.  
"Well,you should rest more. We'll talk later." - Iris nodded to me with a fake politeness and walked away.  
Arthur took me by my arm and we went back to the hidden room.  
"Is it all real? I still can't believe,that I'm free and all these people want to talk to me." - When I closed the door and we were alone,Arthur finally  
became the person,that I knew. He sat down,looking at me like a child in need of guidance.  
"It's all real. But the thing is that for them you are the Joker. The man in clown make up,who killed a host on live TV and the director of Arkham in front of the Mayor," - I wanted to make sure,that he knew his role.- "Your speech inspired them. Made them go out on the streets and riot."  
"Harley,I've never felt so good. I mean something to these people. It's more,that I could ask for." - Arthur's green eyes filled up with tears.  
"Arthur,you are more,than they think." - I hunched down infront of him,taking his hand.  
"Can I be anything more than "Joker"?" - Arthur leaned closer and whispered with a cunning smile on his pale face. There was a strange beauty in how the tears contrasted with the smile,as if those green sad eyes belonged to another person.  
"You are Arthur Fleck." - I said quietly,not able to break an intense eye contact with him.  
"Not anymore. I don't want to be that weak pathetic wimp,Harley." - Arthur hissed angrily,moving away from me.  
"Arthur,you don't have to deny your own identity to feel better." - My voice cracked nervously.  
"Stop it! Don't talk to me like we are still in Arkham. I don't need these smart prepared phrases. They have nothing to do with reality." - Arthur's soft voice turned into enraged roar in a matter of seconds.  
I froze in place.  
Arthur started strutting across the room like a hungry lion.  
My mind went blank. I couldn't help thinking about who I really set free. Arthur wasn't my patient anymore. I lost all possible control of him once and for all.  
He finally tasted freedom. He finally became popular. He finally wasn't alone. It could turn anyone's head. Especially a shunned loner like Arthur.  
The scary thought burst in my mind like a hurricane - "What if he doesn't need me anymore?"  
"Harley,I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I'm sorry." - I felt him standing above me,but I just couldn't look at him.  
"Harley,please..." - He hunched down next to me,wrapping his arms around me and resting his head on my shoulder. His gentle tender hug felt like a hot bath after a cold shower.  
"You took my hairpin to kill. You manipulated me. It was all planned." - I mumbled under my nose,feeling a feverish chill go up my spine.  
"Harley,everyone,that I killed deserved to die. Don't you think so?" - Arthur whispered in my ear,slowly tightening his hold.  
He avoided the manipulation part,as if he didn't hear it. What if all our conversations were just a part of his scheme to get me on his side.  
But he was right. Those people deserved their fate. And who was I to judge him? I had blood on my hands as well.  
I didn't say a word out loud,though my head was full of torturous thoughts.  
I felt a soft kiss on my temple. It made me shudder. Shivers treacherously invaded every sell in my body.  
Arthur placed his warm lips lower,gently tucking my dry hair behind my ear.  
That tenderness was so long-awaited,so needed. I couldn't help but close my eyes.  
"Harley,do you forgive me?" - I heard his soft whisper.  
I opened my mouth,but nothing came out.  
Arthur pulled me closer,kissing my neck. The chilling sensation took my breath away. My body was surrendering to that man. His kisses weren't gentle anymore.  
They were desperate. He wanted me to answer.  
"I can't lose you,Harley." - His voice cracked in pain. It felt sincere. It felt real. He still needed me.  
"I forgive you..." - I exhaled,turning to him and kissing his lips. Not able to suppress that extreme desire.  
I fantasized about it so many times,lying in bed. It was so much better,than I could even imagine. Arthur gasped with relief,pulling me closer.  
I didn't care about anything. Passion erased every rational thought in my head. We slid down on the floor,awkwardly gripping each other like  
two unexperienced teenagers. Animalistic instinct was guiding us. We were breathing heavily in sync. I closed my eyes, giving Arthur permission. He started carefully taking off my jeans. My heart was jumping out of my chest.  
"Whore..." - I heard a malicious whisper echo in my head.  
I opened my eyes and looked at Arthur. His green eyes darkened with desire. I wanted him as much as he wanted me.  
"My little doll." - Sickening raspy voice resonated in my mind again.  
I inhaled loudly,trying to stop my body from shaking. Cold sweaty hands of fear wrapped around me.  
"Harley?" - Arthur stopped and leaned back.  
"It's alright." - I gasped,squeezing a smile.  
Arthur continued kissing me. I closed my eyes,trying to concentrate on his tender caresses. But as soon as he got between my legs and I felt his hand on the inner side of my thigh,horror came over me.  
"Spread it for me,Harleen." - Painfully familiar voice hissed lustfully.  
"No!" - I cried out,pushing Arthur away.  
The lump in my throat made me gasp for air. I covered my face,so Arthur couldn't see how red it was. Disgust and shame filled me up from within.  
"What did I do wrong? Did I hurt you?" - Arthur's nervous mumbling was so painful to hear.  
"It's not you. I'm sorry,Arthur..." - The tears poured out of my eyes.  
Silence was ringing in my head.  
"Harley,I understand." - I felt his arms pulling me from the floor.  
"I'm so sorry. I can't...he is in my head." - I was trying to talk,but tears were smothering me.  
"I know." - Arthur's warm and tender embrace was a shelter,that I desperately needed.  
He started swinging from side to side like he was lulling a crying child. I buried my face in his chest.  
"He will never touch you again. I'll see to it." - Arthur hissed under his breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave your comments. That's how I'll know,that you are still interested))


	28. New life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!))
> 
> Let me know what you think) I need your comments to know,if you're interested in my story))

When I woke up,Arthur was still lying next to me. He held me tight to his frail body,sheltering me from the pain. I slept well,because he was with me.  
The memories of yesterday's awkward intimate attempt flooded into my mind. I felt ashamed and somehow emotionally disabled. There was a big thick wall in my mind,that was built long time ago by constant abuse and humiliation. My loneliness was a desperate measure I took not to be reminded by my inability to be intimate. I wanted Arthur more than anyone in my life,but I just couldn't block the shame,that infected my mind. The fear of being used and hurt was so overwhelming.  
I slowly and carefully got up,trying not to wake Arthur up. I made my way out of the hidden room to the bedroom,that was full of dolls. Different kinds of dolls - small,big,human-like,animale-like. But my attention was caught by the top shelf with clown dolls. Some were really scary,some had kind faces. Among clowns I saw a figure in chequered costume and big hat with two red-black Tails hanging on the sides. Something in that doll was very attractive and feminine.  
"You like my collection." - I heard Andrea's voice behind me.  
"I really do. Especially this section." - I smiled at her,feeling like a child in the toy store.  
"Oh,yeah. I started collecting clowns 3 years ago,when I saw Joker on TV."- Andrea came up to me and took one of the clown dolls.  
"He really changed so many lives." - I mumbled to myself,still not fully grasping that fact.  
"After I lost my daughter,I almost went crazy. She was killed by her own fellow students. But they weren't punished,because their parents were rich." - Her calm voice reverberated through my body. Andrea's face wasn't reflecting what she was saying. She locked her pain somewhere very deep inside.  
"I'm so sorry..." - That was all I could utter.  
"Majority of these dolls are hers. I just continued her hobby...this is the last one. She bought it a week before she got killed." - Andrea reached out her hand to the doll,that I liked the most.  
Her eyes lingered on it with tenderness.  
"It's harlequin... a trickster." - Andrea handed me a doll carefully.  
I felt shivers run down my spine. It was such a strange moment. I could sense Andrea's pain passing to me through that doll.  
"Harlequin" I repeated to myself. "Harley" Arthur's voice echoed in my head. "Harlequin" sounded like a beautiful familiar lullaby,that I loved when I was a child.  
"You must be hungry. Come on." - Andrea shook her head nervously and carefully took the doll from me,putting it back on the shelf.  
I followed her silently.  
"Where is everybody?" - I looked around the empty living room.  
"Went home." - Andrea put a cherry pie on the table.  
"Are they not afraid to get caught?" - I sat down,feeling anxious from the thought of the possibility of getting in jail.  
"No one knows who they really are. There are just creatures in clown masks." - Andrea poured tea,completely unbothered.  
"I will never be able to come back." - I took a little piece of a pie.  
"Do you want to?" - Andrea sat in front of me like an interrogator.  
I looked at her with no direct answer on my mind.  
"There's nothing to come back to,right?" - A soft raspy voice resounded in the room.  
I looked back and saw Arthur standing in the doorway. He leaned against the wall,tilting his disheveled dark head in a very childish manner.  
"Right..." - I uttered dryly.  
"Please,sit! I've made a cherry pie for you both. "- Andrea jumped up like a very good hospitable housewife.  
"Thank you so much,Andrea." - Arthur nodded to her with a galant smile.  
He slowly made his way to the table. Arthur's relaxed behavior soothed me from within. His green eyes were glimmering with familiar tenderness.  
We ate Andrea's cherry pie,staring at each other. I just couldn't break that strange comforting eye contact. Andrea tried to engage us in conversation,but failed miserably.  
Our interesting breakfast was interrupted by the knock on the door. We both shuddered and looked at Andrea. She slowly walked up to a door. The knock on the door repeated.  
"Andrea. It's me." - Bill's voice could be heard milles away.  
Andrea opened the door immediately.  
"Good Morning!" - He said,nodding to Arthur and then smiling at me.  
"A very good morning indeed." - Arthur nodded back cheerfully.  
"How is it going out there?" - I asked the question,that was clouding my mind.  
"Gotham is in ruins. The Mayor is hiding somewhere. Coward!" - Bill spit out on the floor in a very italian expressive manner.  
"Is police looking for us?" - I continued asking to cease my anxiety.  
"They are looking for Joker. But they don't know where to start." - Bill grinned cunningly.  
"You saved me from my imprisonment. I want to pay you back for it." - Arthur's voice pushed through.  
"Oh,it's a privilege for me,Joker." - Bill's silver blue eyes widened with excitement.  
"Now we can do a lot with this freedom." - Arthur stood up,making his way to Bill.  
I couldn't help but stare at him in awe. Arthur was becoming more confident. I felt like I was just starting to unravel who he really was.  
"Yes,we can." - Bill smiled at him with a strange understanding. They exchanged glances,that I failed to decipher.

"I'm starting a new life." - When we returned to our room,Arthur uttered with suppressed excitement.  
"Arthur,it's very serious. What if you get caught?" - I was trying to sound calm.  
"Don't worry,Harley. I'm going to make it right...this time." - Arthur's voice sent shivers down my spine. It sounded so different and unfamiliar.  
"Arthur,what do you have on your mind?" - I came up to him and grazed his pale cheek with my fingers,trying to understand what was going on in his beautiful chaotic mind.  
He was looking at me,but his thoughts were far away.  
"We can't stay here forever. Andrea isn't a millionaire. I feel very uncomfortable taking advantage of her generosity." - I was searching for some kind of  
interest in his eyes.  
"You're absolutely right,Harley. We won't be depending on Andrea. We can supply for ourselves." - Finally,Arthur returned to me. His green eyes darkened,as  
he took my hand and kissed it gently.  
I felt apprehension hit me like an electric shockwave.  
"Arthur..." - I mumbled completely confused.  
He raised his eyebrow and turned around graciously,walking out of the room. I stood motionlessly for a minute,just trying to collect my mind.  
Then I rushed after Arthur and found him with Bill. They were sitting together and discussing something vigorously.  
"Right now police is in mayhem and they have lack of people,so I think it won't be hard to rob a bank." - Bill's mundane tone gave away his big criminal experience.  
"Then we will use this to the fullest." - Arthur was tapping his aristocratic fingers on the table.  
"Well,I will gather people and tomorrow we'll go." - Bill grinned and took out a cigarette.  
While Bill was lighting it up,Arthur watched him in rapture. I was just a bystander,that they didn't seem to notice. Arthur's eyes were fixed on Bill's cigarette. I could see how his nostrils flared,inhaling the smoke.  
"Can I have one?" - Arthur mumbled hungrily.  
"Of course." - Bill gave him a cigarette vigorously and lit it up.  
As soon as Arthur inhaled,he closed his eyes completely ecstatic. He leaned back,relaxing his muscles. Arthur seemed to go to another dimension.  
"Harley,do you want something?" - Andrea returned from the kitchen.  
"Yes. I'm thirsty.Pour me some water." - I said weakly.  
Arthur shook his head like waking up from a sweet daydream. He slowly opened his green eyes and turned to me,exhaling the smoke. His gaze was dark and heavy.  
I was looking in the stranger's eyes.  
"Harley,what's wrong?" - Arthur's familiar soft voice came out from his mouth. But I just couldn't get over that strange feeling in my gut.  
"Everything is alright." - I answered hastily,taking the glass of water from Andrea.  
I drank water in one gulp.  
"Still not used to hearing the plotting of crime." - Bill laughed loudly,winking at Arthur.  
Arthur smiled and put out his cigarette.  
I felt so alone in that moment. It seemed like in their eyes I was a stupid little girl.  
"Do you remember the male nurse,who beat you up to a pulp?" - I said,balling my fists.  
Arthur's emerald eyes narrowed. Andrea and Bill stared at Arthur,waiting for his reaction.  
"You saw how he was choking on blood in the corridor." - I continued,coming closer to him.  
Arthur inhaled loudly and leaned forward in my direction. He remembered.  
"I poisoned him." - Finally I could tell him that it was me. Somehow I felt pride and strange satisfaction filling me up from within. I could notice Bill and Andrea's shock. I wasn't a weak innocent girl. I had to make sure,that they knew.  
Arthur slowly stood up,facing me. His green eyes were burning. It seemed like his mind was replaying the memory of that bloody event in his head.  
"My Harley..." - Arthur whispered under his breath. There was admiration in his eyes. His mouth twitched and slowly formed a broad smile.


	29. The Psychiatrist's gone mad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some wounds never heal...
> 
> Let me know what you think about this intense chapter))

I was standing infront of the mirror. It seemed like I aged,since the last time I saw myself. Maybe I just felt different and my mind was trying to adjust to my new life. Can people somehow see whether you killed someone or not? Are there any physical signs of it? Does your face shrink a little?  
Every dream and every plan,that I had vanished in the haze. I was following Arthur into a pitch dark tunnel,where there was no light at the end of it.  
Arthur wasn't the same. He became a combination of the man,that I felt so close to and the man,that I didn't know.   
We were out of Arkham. We weren't sitting infront of each other at the table. I wasn't his psychiatrist anymore. He wasn't wearing handcuffs any longer.  
We weren't talking like we used to. He wasn't listening anymore. It seemed so unreal. All that situation didn't make any sense.  
My torrent of thoughts was stopped by loud voices. I snapped back to reality.  
"We have 20 armed people ready." - Bill's confident tone bounced against the walls.  
"And I've got something special for you,Joker." - A familiar deep female voice echoed in my ears.  
I walked in to see Iris handing a small bag to Arthur. She was anticipating Arthur's reaction with palpable excitement.  
He opened the bag and looked into it. Arthur's eyes widened instantly. He opened his mouth,searching for the right words.  
"I knew you would need it." - Iris burst into a smile in a complete satisfaction.  
"You're precious!" - Arthur exclaimed joyfully.  
My heart ached from the sight of them exchanging glances.  
"What is it?" - I found myself rushing to Arthur. It was a sheer impulse.  
Iris's cat-like hazel eyes switched to me in disappointment.   
"It's face paint and a green hair dye." - Arthur looked at me with childish delight.  
"Joker needs his attributes." - Iris gave me an arrogant smirk. It seemed like it was her personal victory over me. I could feel anger build up inside.  
"It's more than just a make up." - I said defiantly,staring right at Iris. She narrowed her eyes meeting my stare with the same audacity.  
"I'm so excited. It's going to be epic!" - The camera guy with a long hair came in with his cheerful outburst,but he was stopped by Bill,who yanked him by the elbow.  
"You can't even imagine how long I've been waiting for it." - Arthur looked at people standing in the room with gratefulness.  
Bill smiled with all the teeth he had. Iris tilted his head and glanced at me. Her face was unreadable.  
Arthur turned to me and took my hand. It was my Arthur in that moment. His green eyes were glimmering with familiar pure tenderness.  
"Andrea,do you have a big mirror?" - He said softly,still looking at me.  
"Of course. I'll bring it to you." - Andrea rushed to the other room like a good servant.  
"We will be back." - Arthur nodded to Bill and led me to our room.  
"So now it's about money." - I said,watching him carefully take out the bottle of hair dry and face paint from the bag.  
Arthur stopped abruptly,as if I hit him with my words.  
"Harley,it doesn't matter. None of it. Don't you understand?" - He didn't turn around to face me. Arthur took off his shirt and sat down.   
His spine got crooked like a question mark. It seemed,that my remark drained him.  
"Here it is!" - Andrea burst in the room with a big mirror. Her eyes fixed on half naked Arthur.  
"Thank you." - He said emotionlessly.  
Andrea glanced at me like a scared bird.  
"Thank you,Andrea." - I repeated with a fake broad smile on my face to make her feel better.  
She nodded to me and went out hastily.  
"I need to know what is going on in your head." - I slowly walked up to Arthur.  
"I hoped,that you already knew.You were my doctor,Harley." - Finally he looked up at me and my body froze. Every single muscle,every single vein seemed to freeze. His stare felt as heavy as a lead. There were strange dark flames dancing in his pupils.  
Of course deep inside I knew,but I still was in denial,pushing away the truth.  
Arthur was still staring at me,waiting for my answer.  
"Power." - I said under my breath.  
"That's right,Harley. I don't care about money,but people do. The more they get,the happier they are. I need them to be satisfied,so they stay with me." - He was talking slowly,making sure,that every word entered and invaded my mind.   
Once you saw admiration and respect in people's eyes,you can't imagine your life without it. For Arthur it was like a fix for a drug addict,who was in rehab for 3 years. He was so hungry for attention.  
"I feel so alive. So strong,Harley."- His big emerald eyes narrowed to two dark slits. Arthur clenched his fingers nervously.  
What could I tell him to change his mind? Nothing. I was lying to myself,if I ever felt in control of him.  
"I know." - I looked at his twiching leg. He was stressed out.  
"Let me help you,Arthur." - I hunched down before him,gently putting my hand on his shaking knee.  
"I need you beside me...always." - Arthur was out of breath. His anxiety was raging.  
"And I'm here. I'll never leave you." - I was slowly petting his knee,trying to cease the tension in his body.  
"Promise me." - Arthur's voice sounded weak and broken. How could a man be two opposite people all at the same time? He was looking at me with tears in his beautiful green eyes. He was so vulnerable in that moment.  
"I promise." - I said,hypnotized by his stare. And I meant it.  
"Harley..." - He wanted to say more,but he choked on his tears and just took me in his arms. It was a desperate plead for love and support.  
His body was relaxing slowly,as I was running my fingers through his dark hair. Arthur's breathing was calming down. The warmth of his body wrapped around me,making me feel so safe.  
"You fix me everytime." - I heard a tender whisper,tickling my ear.  
I giggled shyly and moved back to look into his face. Arthur was smiling at me.   
"Teach me how to apply the make up." - I stood up,feeling energized.  
"As you wish,my lady." - Arthur bowed mischievously,making me laugh.  
"I'm sorry to interrupt,but you have to see this." - Bill stormed in without knocking. His widened eyes and red face told us,that it was something important.  
Arthur put back on his shirt and we followed Bill.  
Everyone gathered around TV. Andrea looked at me compassionately and walked up to me,as if she was about to pay her condolences.  
"So Harleen used to show promise in gymnastics?" - I heard a polite female voice.  
"Oh,yes. She was one step away from being chosen for the Gotham Gymnastics." - A painfully familiar squeaky voice cut my ears.  
I rushed to the TV screen and saw my Mother sitting in front of the woman in a dark blue suit,wearing a cheap brown wig. My Mother was shining with excitement. Her curly blond hair looked as perfect as her pale-pink dress.  
"So what happened to this promising talented girl? Why did she end up with a crazy maniac?" - TV anchor asked,crossing her legs.  
My heart skipped the beat.  
"Well,Harleen wasn't a perfect child to be honest. Sometimes she would have temper tantrums. She had everything. Her life was almost perfect,that's why she grew up spoiled." - My Mother made a grimace of sorrow.   
I felt like my chest was squeezed by metal vices. My mind was refusing to believe in what I was seeing and hearing.  
"So it means she always had violent outbursts?" - The woman in a dark blue suit leaned over.  
"Yes,she had. But You know people say,that Love is patient, love is kind. And I was trying to be the best mother I could be." - My Mother started sobbing.  
I felt sick to my stomach.  
TV anchor took out a very well-prepared box of wipes. Of course my mother was quick to use it. She looked like a very bad actress.But I bet it felt so good to be on TV. Her vanity was having a ball.  
"You can have some time to calm down,while we talk to the survived officer Peter Walker,who was sent to arrest Harleen Quinzel." - The camera zoomed in on TV anchor and then switched to the man,who I recognized immediately. It was one of those three cops with snake eyes,who dragged me down the stairs and I pitted teenage rebels against them.  
"When we came to her,we still didn't know the severity of her mental instability. Her colleagues warned us about her inappropriate relationship with her patient Joker. She looked and behaved like a completely unhinged psycho. My colleagues and friends were killed because of her. My survival was just pure luck." - The malice and anger in his voice were deafening. His face was still bruised and swollen.   
I felt my guts twist and turn inside of me. The pain was excruciating.  
"Thank you for participation,officer. Get well soon. And we are back in the studio with the mother of Harleen Quinzel. The psychiatrist's gone mad. What could possibly prompt her to fall for the murderer?" - TV anchor was doing her job with obvious pleasure.  
"Harleen always had bad judgement and bad taste in men. Her father was strict and tried to instill morals from a very early age. We were protecting her as much as we could. The girl needs to know what woman's dignity means." - My Mother frowned,as if she was trying hard to remember the times she was a good mother.  
"So are you saying,that your daughter is promiscuous?" - The woman with a cheap brown wig on pushed through.  
My head started buzzing loudly. I felt like my mind was ready to explode.  
"Well,I do think so." - After a short awkward pause,my mother answered and took a glass of water from the table.  
I must have moaned from pain,because I felt someone's hand on my shoulder,trying to comfort me. How could she say those things? How could she do that to her  
only daughter?!  
"It's so hard to believe that once a talented smart girl could turn into this crazy person. But I guess some people are born bad. What would you like to say to your daughter? Maybe she will see this program by any chance." - TV anchor looked at my mother with a wide smile on her face,as if she was presenting some kind of award to her.  
My Mother looked smitten by that question. Of course she didn't know what to say. Her blue eyes stared at the woman in front of her,trying to pick the right words.  
"Look right in the camera and just say what's in your heart." - TV anchor prompted her hastily.  
How could she say what was in her heart,if she didn't have one.  
"Harleen,if you're watching this,I want you to know,that it's not to late to surrender. You'll get the help you need. And...we love you." - The last words came out so coldly and phoney,that I shuddered. Camera zoomed in on her plump beautiful face with big blue empty eyes.  
"We love you" echoed in my mind. "We" resonated through every sell in my body. She couldn't even say "I love you." She could never bring herself to say it.  
"Harley." - I heard a soft whisper. But I just couldn't move. My body stuck in one position.  
"Harley,please." - Someone's hand caressed my cheek.  
There were no tears in my eyes,no lump in my throat. I just couldn't take a breath. My chest was in so much pain,as if hundreds of needles pierced it.  
"Harley,stop." - Someone shook me. I closed my eyes,desperately trying to breathe in.  
"Oh,my God!She is bleeding." - I heard Andrea's worried voice.  
I opened my eyes and saw Arthur's red face,staring at me. I noticed the same amount of pain in his big emerald eyes. He knew what I felt in that moment. He knew too well.  
"You need to calm down." - Arthur took my hands and lifted them up. I looked down and shuddered from the sight of blood dripping on the floor.  
I must have clenched my fists so hard,that my nails dug deep into my skin. Mental pain was so much worse,than physical. So I didn't even notice it happening.  
"Sweetheart,come here." - Andrea walked up with a small first aid box. Her compassionate eyes were fixed on my bloody hands.  
I followed her to the table. My ability to breathe started to come back.  
"Don't take it so close to your heart,Harley. Your Mother didn't mean what she said. She was interviewed and got confused." - Andrea was trying very hard to find excuses for my mother,while simultaneously bandaging my wounds.  
"She meant every word." - I mumbled,staring at the old picture on the wall with waterfall.   
Andrea opened her mouth to say something,but changed her mind at the last second.  
The buzzing in my head was still loud. I looked back and saw Arthur standing behind me. He was silent. His aristocratic face looked like a mask. Arthur's eyes were preoccupied with something.  
"Well,when are we going out?" - Iris came up with her poker face.  
All I wanted to do in that moment was to bash her head against the wall.  
"I will let you know." - Arthur answered hesitantly,not even looking at her.  
She glanced at me with disdain and walked off.  
Without any words Arthur reached out his hand to me. I felt like it was more,than just a caring gesture. It seemed like a silent offer.  
"Your bruises will heal soon,Harley." - Andrea's voice sounded distant.  
My eyes met Arthur's and I nodded instinctively,taking his hand.


	30. Embrace your pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harley's upgrade))
> 
> Please let me know your thoughts on this chapter))

"This anger and resentment in you can be channeled,Harley. I'll show you how." - We were back in our room. Arthur returned to the mirror hastily.  
I could sense his anxiety and tension. It was so endearing to see him feel for me.   
"Sit here." - He pointed at the chair.  
I did just that wearily. In that moment I was completely drained. The mirror was staring at me,showing me how broken I looked and felt. Arthur leaned over  
next to me and opened face paints.   
"Don't push it away. Embrace this pain,Harley." - He started putting back my hair gently. I closed my eyes,feeling so safe in his tender hands.  
Then I felt a wet and cool caress. Opening my eyes I saw Arthur slowly putting a white paint with a brush on my face.  
His emerald eyes were heavy with thoughts,that I wanted to know so desperately. Gradually my face became chalk white. Only my blue eyes and pink lips were   
untouched. Arthur looked at me in the mirror,carefully watching my reaction. I noticed a shade of fear in his stare. Obviously Arthur was scared,that I might reject his offer.   
Without saying a word I took the brush from him and dipped it into a black paint. I turned back to the mirror and slowly put it around my eyes,making wide  
black circles. It felt so right in that moment. Those black thick lines reflected my inner agony,that was eating me alive. But it wasn't enough. I wanted more. I dipped the brush again and painted my lips black as well. My reflection in the mirror was perfectly horrific and scary.  
Arthur watched me silently with his eyes wide open. He stared at me almost in awe.   
"I feel better..." - I exhaled,putting the brush aside. Tears started filling my eyes contrary to my words. Finally my appearance matched the chaos within me.  
I resembled a corpse from some horror movie.  
"Harley,let it go." - Arthur's soft whisper flooded my mind.  
I turned to him and saw him smiling. It was a strange crooked smile,as if it was hurting him. The tears were streaming down my face,smearing the paint.  
The tremor in my body was uncontrollable. I leaned forward,pressing my forehead against Arthur's. It gave me support and balance. I closed my eyes, drowning in the intoxicating feeling of unity.  
"Now you're ready." - I heard his almost inaudible whisper,feeling his soft kiss on my cheek.  
When it was Arthur's turn to put on his infamous clown make up,I was right there to watch him do it. The flashbacks of that TV "performance" burst into my mind. But there was no disgust,only rapture. It was such a sacred moment to witness Arthur become the JOKER. His hands remembered how to apply that make up with a brush. He was cool and collected,staring at his reflection in the mirror. It seemed like in that moment he forgot,that I was there.  
When Arthur painted a wide bloody red smile,I gasped instinctively. It was Joker staring back at me in the mirror. Excitement and fear got intertwined in a twisted arousing mixture.  
"How do you like me now?" - Arthur stood up slowly,tilting his head. He raised his eyebrow mischievously at me.   
His whole posture changed. Confidence was oozing from him.  
I tiptoed next to him,feeling tingles running down my spine. A strange woman was standing by Joker's side. She had a chalk pale face just like him and   
black circles around her blue eyes. Her pitch black lips formed a crooked smile,that could scare anyone. The man beside her had a bright clown make up on.   
He seemed so collected and cool,wrapping his hand around that strange woman.  
It took me a minute to realize,that it was me. Harleen Quinzel was standing next to Joker. The psychiatrist turned to the dark side by her patient.  
How far gone was I?  
"We are two peas in the pod,aren't we?" - A soft raspy voice brought me back to reality. Arthur's green eyes darkened with satisfaction.  
That was a rhetorical question. The answer was written on our faces. It felt natural and comfortable,as if the mask,that I painted on my face concealed my  
true identity. My wounds and scars were buried under a thick white paint. I didn't have to be doctor Harleen Quinzel anymore. I could be somebody new.  
"It's our time,Harley." - Arthur squeezed my hand tight,still staring at me in the mirror.  
"Yes,it is." - I nodded,squeezing his hand back as tightly.  
My head was empty and I gave Arthur or should I say "Joker" all the control.  
We walked out of the room and stunned everyone. Bill's face seemed to widen. Iris jumped up from the chair. Andrea gasped loudly as if she saw ghosts.  
"Hell yeah!" - The camera guy clapped his hands cheerfully.  
"Now we need appropriate clothes." - Arthur demanded loudly. I looked at him surprised. It was a different stern and confident voice coming out of Arthur.  
"I have everything prepared." - Andrea exclaimed,rushing out of the room.  
She came back with clothes folded in her hands.  
"I made an identical suit that you had that day." - Andrea mumbled,avoiding Arthur's stare.  
"This is incredible. Thank you,Andrea." - He took the clothes from her,smiling from ear to ear.  
"It's an honor to me,Joker" - She answered shyly.  
"Harley needs a suit too." - Bill chimed in.  
I looked at him swiftly not sure how to react. Iris shuffled to an opposite corner of the room with her gloomy face.  
"Sure she does." - Arthur tilted his head,staring right in my eyes with familiar tenderness.  
"Let's see what we can find. Come on,sweetheart." - Andrea nodded to me.  
I followed her out of the room.  
"What colours would you like?" - Andrea opened her big wardrobe,full of clothes.  
"Red and black." - I said without any hesitation,looking at the shelf with the harlequin doll,that stuck in my mind.   
"Got you. I have a black dress and red high heel boots.Some black shirts as well.Try them on" - Andrea was taking out clothes and handing them to me.  
"Thank you.They look like my size." - I put that big pile on a little pink sofa.  
"It's my daughter's clothes. You seem to have the same size. Call me,if you need anything." - Andrea smiled at me with noticeable sadness in her eyes and walked out.  
I picked the black dress with long sleeves,which was rather short. I never wore such a dress. It felt like a right time to start. Why was I always scared  
to show my legs? Why was I hiding my body? I didn't need to anymore. The red leather boots spiced up my look even more. What a view it was! My zombie face  
combined with the black short dress and red boots. It was raunchy and scary all at the same time. But the hair. Something was off. I took a brush, smoothing it. And then my hands automatically divided it into two high ponytails.   
"There you are." - I said to myself,feeling refreshed by my bizarre image in the mirror.  
The chaos was written all over me. It felt so right,while it looked so wrong.  
I walked out slowly,searching for Arthur. He was sitting at the table and smoking cigarette in a very aristocratic,though laid-back way . He wore a red suit. Almost identical to his infamous one. How hypnotic he looked! I found myself staring at him in awe. But when I met his emerald eyes I noticed the same admiration directed at me.  
There were Bill,Andrea and others,but I didn't care about their reactions. All my attention was fixed on Arthur.  
"My Harley." - His red lips mouthed and I bet I was the only one to see it.


	31. Harley's role

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Clown Prince of Crime is in town))
> 
> Please leave your comments! I really want to know your thoughts))

"The first stop Gotham's bank." - Bill started the jeep,while Arthur and I sat in the back.   
My head was light and empty,because Arthur was holding my hand. I felt safe.  
"Don't hesitate to use guns." - Bill was still instructing us.  
Arthur glanced down at the pistol in my hand. I was completely calm about it all. Maybe because it didn't feel real to me. I was floating somewhere in between,feeling new.   
"Harley,get the money in the bag. Don't forget your role." - I heard soft whisper in my ear. Arthur's warm breath lingered on my neck.  
I looked in his green eyes,that were burning brighter,than the sun and nodded with a wide mindless smile.   
When we finally stopped right before the bank,Bill put on his mask and we all rushed out of the jeep. At least 15 armed people with clown masks stormed in the bank. There were approximately six people,not counting three guards and one woman behind the desks.   
"Good evening,Ladies and Jentelmen. Sorry for bothering you." - Arthur waltzed in the bank so gracefully,as if he was about to give a performance to a waiting crowd. I followed him,examining the horror on people's faces.  
Suddenly 3 loud gun shots thundered and smothered cries flooded the hall. I saw how one of the guards fell on the floor with a gun wound in his forehead.  
Familiar dark haired slim feminine figure in a clown mask was standing above him. It was Iris. She was ruthless and sharp.  
"Please,stay where you are and don't even think about being brave,alright?" - Arthur slowly walked up to a shaking middle-aged guard,hunched on the floor.  
He looked so unbothered and gleeful in contrast with that situation. His festive red suit and shining shoes were so out of place.   
I couldn't help but smile. It was such a strange thrill of being by Joker's side right in the centre of action.  
"Harley,you're up." - Arthur turned to me,stretching his hand in a very artistic manner,as if he was a host of the late night show greeting his guest.  
I shook my blond head with pony tails,completely prepared to do what was asked from me. I strutted to the desk. A pale thin face with huge terrified hazel eyes stared at me. That girl's fear was so palpable,that I felt a pinch of pity for her.  
"Hello,sweetheart.Don't be scared,just put all the money in the bag for me,ok?" - I made sure to sound as tender and kind as possible,while pointing a pistol at her.  
"Please don't do this..." - The girl started sobbing. I could see my "zombie" face,reflecting in her dilated pupils.  
"Honey,we are short of time,you know. I can't stay for a heart-to-heart talk. Put the money in the bag NOW!" - I started softly and finished with a loud demand,that resonated through the bank.  
The girl shuddered and franticly got down to business. I looked back at Arthur,waiting for his approval. His clown make up made his features even more expressive. His lips twitched into a wide smile. Arthur nodded to me like a pride teacher to a student.   
"Here." - The girl handed me a big bag,full of money.  
"Thank you,sweetheart." - I smiled at her joyfully,only to make her tremble even more. I bet my smile was horrifying to see.  
"Take it." - Arthur nodded to Bill,while standing in the middle of the bank with his hands in the pockets and stomping his foot.  
Bill came up to me and took the bag.  
"I can't thank you enough for your cooperation! You did great!" - Arthur clapped his hands like it was the end of our theatrical performance.  
I rushed to Arthur,passing by a pool of blood near a dead guard like it was nothing. It didn't seem important or shocking to me. If it was the old me,I would be on my knees,trying to revive him. But i wasn't myself anymore.  
"You are amazing,Harley." - Arthur whispered lovingly,when I came up to him and took him by his arm.  
"Just a crazy maniac." - I heard a soft,but loud female voice. We turned around and saw a middle-aged woman in glasses. She had a very specific judgemental expression on her wrinkled face.  
Arthur stopped,as I watched his face harden. He walked up to her slowly and menacingly. The clattering of his shoes echoed in a complete silence. That woman stood motionless,meeting his stare.   
"What's your name?" - Arthur hissed through his teeth,stopping very close to her.  
"Loretta." - The woman in glasses answered hesitantly,taken aback by the question.  
"Loretta...You're so quick to judge. I don't blame you. You're just like everybody else." - Arthur leaned closer to the woman,as if he was about to kiss her.  
"I'm not scared of you." - I heard a weak,but defiant voice. That middle-aged woman was trying to stand her ground. I couldn't help but respect her for it.  
"And how about now?" - Arthur cocked the gun and put it against her temple.  
I gasped involuntarily. Everyone stared at that battle,holding their breath.  
It seemed like forever. Arthur and that woman was staring at each other without blinking. Her mouth was open,like she was about to say something.  
Then I heard a strange sound,that came from the corner. I looked in that direction and found a young man,covering his mouth in horror. His little grey eyes were fixed on the floor under that woman.  
"Oh,Loretta. Such a naughty girl." - Arthur's mockingly tender voice resonated through the walls. He was looking at her wet stockings and a little yellow pool under her feet.  
She peed herself. Poor woman.  
"You've played yourself,honey!Don't forget to wear a diaper next time you will decide to be a hero!" - Arthur exclaimed victoriously,bursting into a sickening fake laughter,that sounded like thunder in my ears.  
I looked around to see how hostages covered their faces in shame. The girl at the desk closed her eyes,while tears were streaming down her face.  
That middle-aged woman in glasses stood motionlessly,staring at the wall behind Arthur. I knew that vacant look very well. Pain stung me right in the heart.  
That humiliation felt so familiar to me. Her spirit was broken before my eyes and I just stood there,watching it like it was just a theatre play.  
Suddenly I realized where I was actually taking part in.   
"Well,we're done here! I had a great time and I bet you all did to!" - Arthur danced through the bank,examining people,who were to afraid to look at him.  
Then he took my hand and rushed out of the bank like a happy kid,who got all the sweets he wanted.  
When we jumped in the car,I felt cold and nauseous. My head was heavy with thoughts.   
"Harley?" - I felt a soft touch on my cheek.   
"It was overwhelming." - I said under my breath,resting my head on Arthur's shoulder.  
"I know. You will get used to it. Now we need to have a little celebration,Bill!" - Arthur's excitement and satisfaction was palpable.  
"Yeah! I know one liquor store." - Bill exclaimed eagerly.  
"You just need to relax,Harley." - Arthur started caressing my hand slowly.  
I closed my eyes,trying to block my heavy thoughts. I didn't want to feel guilty.  
"I'll be in a minute." - I heard Bill's cheerful raspy voice and a sound of the door open and close.  
"These people don't deserve your compassion. Remember it." - Arthur whispered with a noticeable sadness in his voice.  
His warmth was calming me.  
"Here I come with some booze." - Bill jumped in with 2 bottles. He wore a mask,so I knew he robbed that store. He had enough money to buy it,but the thrill of committing the crime was too enticing.  
"Harley,drink. It'll help you to relax." - Arthur opened and handed me one of the bottles. It was red wine.  
I looked in his green eyes,that were glimmering with tenderness. He meant well. I knew he was. I was sure.  
I tilted my head back,swallowing wine like it was water. All,that I wanted was to numb the old me.  
"Don't rush,Harley." - Arthur took the bottle away from me with a soft smile on his colourful face.  
The blood rushed to my cheeks. I felt a little embarrassed.   
"It will kick in very soon." - Arthur's emerald eyes darkened,drifting to my lips.  
I knew that I had wine on my lips. As I moved my hand to wipe it off,Arthur caught it,preventing me.  
He slowly leaned over. I closed my eyes,waiting for his lips to press against mine.  
But instead I felt a swift wet caress. When I realized,that he licked the wine from my lips, I opened my eyes,smitten and excited all at the same time. Arthur raised his eyebrow and smiled mischievously. I giggled,feeling the booze hitting my brain. It was such a cosy warm sensation. Guilt and pressure faded away.  
"Harley,I think it's high time I met your parents." - Arthur whispered with a broad bloody smile still present on his face.


	32. Family matter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very tough and violent chapter. I hope you'll like it.

"Harley,I think it's high time I met your parents." - Arthur's soft raspy voice was like honey to my ears. I was smiling at him completely under the influence of alcohol. I didn't drink a lot,but just enough to feel careless. It seemed like a good fun idea in that moment.  
"11 Lincoln street." - I said to Bill without hesitation. He nodded and started the car.  
My mind was so overwhelmed by different emotions and feelings,that I didn't really think about what could come next. Arthur's warm hand was wrapped around me and it was all that mattered.  
When I saw a familiar little coffee shop,the realization hit me.  
"Harley,It needs to be done once and for all." - Arthur squeezed my hand tightly.  
The car stopped and Bill turned to me. My body froze. I didn't want to face "my demons".  
"Do you need a back up?" - Bill's gleeful tone contrasted with a dread,that filled each of my braincell.  
"Yeah. Come with us." - Arthur opened the door and got out of the car,adjusting his red suit like he was about to go on stage.  
Bill followed him,taking out his gun. I sat motionlessly,not able to breathe.  
"Harley?" - Arthur leaned in and stretched out his hand.  
His face looked so surreal and hypnotic in the yellow lights of a street lamp.  
"I'm with you all the way." - Arthur's emerald eyes turned in two black holes,drawing me in.  
I guess my mind stopped functioning. My hand grabbed his and I got out of the car.  
I looked up at the grey house,where I grew up. Flashbacks started popping up in my mind. Unfortunately they were all bad and painful.  
Those memories flooded in,as I walked in the house and started walking up the stairs. Confusion turned into rage. By the time I finally reached the fourth floor with a painfully familiar number 31 on the door,my body was shaking with anger and resentment.  
I put my head against the door and heard the sound of TV.  
"They won't open the door to me." - I looked at Arthur,clenching my fists anxiously.  
"I know." - He mouthed and took out a lighter.  
"Let's make the reason for them to open the door." - Arthur raised his eyebrow and nodded to Bill,who seemed to have an ability to read Arthur's mind.  
Bill picked up a newspaper from the floor and handed it to him. Arthur slowly lit up a newspaper,putting it close to the door.  
Bill pressed the doorbell again and again.  
"Fire! Fire! We are burning!Hurry up!" - Arthur came up right to the door and started screaming frantically in a high pitched voice. He looked like a seasoned actor doing that.  
The noise behind the door and loud shuffling told us,that it worked perfectly. My heart was drumming in my ears in anticipation and fear.  
The smoke from a burning newspaper filled the corridor,sneaking into my parent's flat.  
When I heard the key turn,I took a deep breath,as if I was about to jump off the cliff into the ocean. The door opened.  
"Hi,Mom." - I said with a fake broad smile on my pale zombie face with black circles.  
Her face shrinked just before my eyes in a second.  
"Theo." - She mouthed with her trembling lips.  
I rushed in apartment,pushing her away.  
"You must be Harley's mother. I've been dying to meet you in person." - Arthur waltzed in,staring at my mother with a smirk on his clown face.  
She opened her mouth and tried to say something,but all I heard was a moan.  
"Daddy?! Where are you? Hiding from your only daughter?" - I felt an intense rush of energy kicking in.  
When I walked in the bedroom,I saw the man,who was the main demon in my story. He was trying to load a pistol. I noticed how his hands were trembling.  
"Dad,put it down." - I said through my teeth,cocking the gun and pointing it at him.  
He stopped and looked at me. My father's snaky hazel eyes widened,when he saw me. I guess it was hard for him to recognize me.  
"This's so rude,Dad! Maybe I'm here to reconcile." - I exclaimed loudly like a hyperactive child. It was not my normal behavior. Not my usual way of talking.  
He was looking at me obviously repulsed and confused. My father slowly examined me from head to toe. I could feel his little hazel eyes wondering  
up and down my body. The nausea hit me,making me sick and almost about to puke.  
"Look into my eyes,scumbag!" - I roared like a rabid lioness.  
What an intoxicating thrill it was to see him shudder.  
"Harleen,please!Sweetie!"- My Mother's sweet high pitched voice resonated through my body.  
"Can you hear your wife?! She needs you,Theo." - I hissed,nodding to my father to join my mother.  
He carefully walked to the corridor. I made sure,that my gun was pointed at his back all the time.  
Arthur was already occupying the armchair next to the fireplace,while my mother was sitting on the sofa with Bill.  
Her face was red and wet from tears.  
"Oh,my God..." - She gasped,as soon as me and my so-called father walked in.  
"Look at her. So helpless without you,Daddy." - I spit out with all the malice,that I harboured inside.  
Bill tapped the place next to my mother on the sofa,making a sign to my father.  
He slowly complied,fixing all of his attention on Arthur in the armchair.  
I stood in front of them right in the middle of the room,staring at my parents,who looked like two helpless hostages. Though technically they were,right?  
But not to me. I'd been their hostage for so many years. They were no victims.  
"I need to say thank you for your lovely daughter. If it wasn't for your upbringing,I wouldn't have my Harley." - Arthur's soft voice brought me back to reality.  
I turned to a man in the red suit and clown make up. His posture was so relaxed and yet imposing. Arthur's green eyes were drifting from my mother to my father. He was carefully watching their reactions. I have to give credit to my father's ability to keep his poker face,while my mother started sobbing and gripping his hand frantically.  
"Harleen,what has happened to you? It's not you!It can't be!" - My mother's blue eyes seemed too big on her reddened face. She was trying to make me feel bad for her. But her tears made me even more furious. She never payed attention to my tears.  
"It's me,Mom! This is who I am. Don't you like it?" - I squeezed out a fake gruff laughter and turned on my heels.  
"You still can get help,honey." - My Mother leaned in,staring at me with plea in her eyes.  
"Look at her,Arthur. Just look at this woman. Does she look like a monster,Bill?" - My heart was pounding in my ears. The pressure was rising by the second.  
Arthur leaned over,as if he was trying to see something in my mother. Something,that only I could see in that beautiful blue-eyed middle-aged woman in a pink robe.  
My Mother shrunk into the sofa,shaking with fear.  
Bill grinned at me,not even looking at her.  
"Your mother is a sweet lady,as far as I can see. You have her eyes,Harley." - Arthur smiled at her,narrowing his green eyes. There was something boiling under his calm and polite surface.  
"What do you want from us?" - Finally my father decided to speak,but he directed that question to Arthur.  
Of course he wanted to show me,that I was a nobody.  
"I think you already know,sir." - Arthur took out a cigarette and lit it up slowly. My father stared at him barely keeping his cool. I could notice how he was trembling. He was scared and angry,because he wasn't the one in control.  
"Your daughter needs freedom. She deserves it after all you put her through." - Arthur's voice was tender,while his emerald eyes were glimmering with malice and rage.  
"Honey,this man messed you up. You don't know what you're doing." - My mother chimed in,begging me with her eyes full of crocodile tears.  
"I'm messed up,because of you! Both of you!" - I screamed out,enraged by her audacity.  
"Harleen,stop it." - My father hissed like a snake. The tone of his voice was so painfully familiar. I heard it so many times.  
I looked at him and noticed a cold sweat on his forehead.  
"Why,Daddy? You don't love me anymore...your little doll." - I could feel the pain tearing me apart. My head was as heavy as a lead.  
The image of him looming over me popped up,making me sick. The feeling of his cruel rough hands on my body seemed so real.  
My mother gasped and glanced at Bill,as if she was ashamed that some stranger became a witness of our "family matter". Maybe for the first time in her life she felt ashamed.  
Bill tightened his grip on the gun.  
My father stared at me without blinking. His whole body froze up. I could feel such a pressure on my temples like my head was about to explode.  
"Harleen,what do you want from this?" - After a long oppressive pause,the demon finally spoke. His voice was lower,than usual.  
My father's little hazel eyes were devoid of any emotion,that I wanted to see. There were no regret or shame,only anger.  
Why was I still waiting for him to feel sorry for what he did to me? Why was there any hope left in me? I was so stupid and naive.  
"Mom,you said that I was one step away from being in the Gotham Gymnastics. Do you remember why it all went down the drain? Do you? " - I was losing my composure and frankly I didn't care anymore.  
"Harleen,please! It's all in the past!Can we move on?!" - My mother's blue eyes filled with tears again.  
"Answer my question!" - I roared,not even trying to control myself anymore. The pistol was shaking in my hand.  
She shuddered and turned to Arthur,who was sitting in the armchair and smoking,seemingly relaxed and detached from everything. Only by the look in his green eyes you could notice how concentrated he actually was.  
"I remember." - My mother mumbled under her nose,finally letting go of my father's hand.  
"I woke up at night with blood pouring out of me...two days before I had to perform and get chosen. You didn't take me to hospital,Mom.  
You knew,that it would ruin your perfect life. Of course a 13 years old girl having a miscarriage would be a problem." - My voice was dry and raspy. It sounded so unfamiliar.  
I noticed how Bill shifted away from my mother on the sofa. He seemed disgusted.  
"I could bleed to death...but it didn't bother you at all." - Tears started streaming down my face. All the agony,that I tried to suppress all those years,burst out of me.  
Silence answered me. My Mother sat still. She wasn't able to look in my eyes,while I was telling the ugly truth. She hung her head,staring at her feet in fuzzy white slippers.  
The man beside her on the sofa resembled a mannequin. He looked unfazed.  
"Daddy,how do you like my tails? As far as I remember you adored them." - I switched my attention to my father,pretending to sound like a little girl.  
The corners of his mouth twitched nervously.  
I shook my head to make my tails dance playfully.  
"You've gone mad." - I heard a guttural sound.  
Suddenly Arthur sprung up from the armchair. He threw a cigarette into the fireplace,while humming something.  
"In a mad world, only the mad are sane." - Arthur said slowly,as if every word weighted a ton bricks.  
I felt a thrill rush over me,as soon as I heard Arthur's soft voice. His support was so palpable.  
"Is this who you've chosen over your career,Harleen?" - My father wrinkled his nose,showing his disgust. His little hazel eyes hooked on Arthur's face.  
I heard Bill snarl,while I smiled at my father as wide as could,feeling the pain in the corners of my mouth.  
Arthur gasped and clutched at his heart theatrically. I couldn't help but laugh.  
"Mom,Dad! Would you like some tea?" - I jumped up,finding myself completely lost in that crazy moment.  
My Mother finally looked up at me with a shock on her face. I run to the kitchen and put on the kettle. My body was shaking from strange excitement and thrill. The idea of having my parents at my disposal was so enticing. I saw reflection of my zombie face on the silver kettle. Harleen Quinzel was nowhere to be found. The pain devoured and destroyed her. That pain...they never experienced that kind of pain. How could they possibly know what I felt?  
"Mommy,do you love daddy?" - I walked back in the living room with a hot kettle in my hands.  
Arthur was standing beside the fireplace. His emerald eyes seemed to take the colour of fire. My Mother moved closer to my father,seeking his protection.  
"I love you both,sweetie." - Her high pitched tender voice sounded sickeningly fake.  
"Oh,no! You don't,Mommy. No matter how much I tried to earn your love,it was always him." - I felt a lump in my throat,preventing me from talking.  
"Honey,it's not true!You're my baby!My only baby!" - My Mother slowly stood up,stretching her arms to hug me.  
How much I wanted it to be true!How badly I wanted her to mean those words!  
She walked up to me carefully,glancing at the kettle in my hand.  
"Harleen,please..." - My mother hugged me,as if I were a cold stone. It was just a thing,that she had to do to survive. That woman never expressed any affection towards me. Suddenly she remembered her motherly duty. Her hug was uncomfortable and unnatural.  
Her body was pressed against mine,while I was staring at the slim man on the sofa. The man,who ruined my life and she let him. He seemed so full of himself,so self assured.  
Why did she love him? Why?  
"Honey,just leave it all behind." - Finally my mother came off of me.  
"That's what I'm doing,Mommy." - I smiled at her as innocently as I could.  
My Mother exhaled with relief. I noticed how her whole body relaxed.  
"I just need to do one thing." - I whispered maliciously,pushing her away. In one step I reached my father and poured boiling water on his arrogant face.  
The scream was so deafening,that I closed my eyes. I couldn't tell,whether it was my mother howling and crying or my father.  
"Theo!!!" - My mother was on the floor,trying to hold my father,who was convulsing in agony.  
Bill was still sitting on the sofa,watching those two poor victims. Arthur was staring at me with pride,while the flames were dancing in his big green eyes.  
"Help him!Please!" - My mother turned to me,sincerely desperate and pained.  
"Where were you,when I was begging you to help me?!Where were you,when he was raping me!You were pretending to be asleep,when he would leave your bed and come to mine!so SHUT UP,Heartless Bitch!" - I was circling around my so-called parents like a hungry lion. Their pain was intoxicatingly satisfying.  
Finally,I could revel in that moment of victory. I wasn't the one,who was hurt. They were.  
"Just like you said I have temper tantrums and violent outbursts." - I put the kettle on the table,adjusting my tails. My hands were shaking from pressure.  
My father finally stopped screaming and reduced to low moaning.  
"Daddy,are you okay? It must've been a hellfire." - I hunched down,making a fake sad compassionate face.  
I heard Arthur's soft chuckle from behind.  
"Harleen,call the ambulance...please." - My mother whispered,choking on tears.  
She didn't hear a word,that I said. All my pain was nothing to her. She couldn't even say "sorry".  
"Why didn't you save me,Mom?" - I took her hand off of my father's burned face,staring in her big blue eyes,that I took after her. I was still desperately trying to find something in there. Maybe guilt or regret.  
"It was your own fault. I fought for him! I fought for my marriage!And you were always between us!" - My mother's nice victim mask fell off. Her face got distorted by sheer hatred and disgust.  
I recoiled from her like she hit me with whip. The words,that came out of her vile mouth were worse,than any bruises or gunshots.  
I stood up slowly,feeling dizzy. It was too much.  
"Arthur." - I felt like I was falling,but he was there to catch me.  
"Now you see who they are." - His soft warm breath in my ear was like a remedy.  
I closed my eyes,resting against his body.  
"Harley,remember what I told you.Don't hold yourself back. It's not worth it. I wasted so much time,trying to defy the gravity. But once you let it go, everything becomes so easy...set yourself free." - It felt like Arthur's voice was resonating through every sell in my body,reaching into my mind.  
Of course I remembered those words. I was so horrified,when I first heard it. But in that moment it felt so right. The truth was worse,than I could ever imagine. Everything came together like a puzzle.  
I felt Arthur putting a gun into my hand.  
When I opened my eyes,my father was still lying in my mother's arms. His moans were almost inaudible. Bill was looking at the window.  
My mother wasn't paying attention to me. She was lulling my father. It seemed like my mother blocked herself from reality.  
"Marriage vows are so important to you,Mom. I can't let you break them. Let's see. To have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until...death do us part." - My mouth was twitching uncontrollably,while the tears filled my eyes. I finally realized,who was the real demon in my life. The woman,that gave birth to me.  
I cocked a gun. She kept on swinging from side to side,completely detached. I came up to her and put the gun against her curly blond head.  
"Goodbye." - I hissed through my teeth and pulled the trigger. The sound of her heavy body falling on my father echoed in my ears.  
"Harleen." - My father moaned,trying to move underneath.  
"Enough!" - I snarled and shot him in the head.  
I started blinking rapidly,as if something got in my eye. Deafening heartbeat in my ears turned into loud buzzing. The blood on the wall resembled a strange impressionist painting. I couldn't take my eyes off of it.  
"Let's go." - Someone's strong hand grabbed me and pushed me forward. My legs were running down the stairs,but my mind stayed in that room.  
"Harley,you're free!" - I heard Arthur's cheerful voice. It seemed like we were in the car already. I felt the wind brushing against my skin. But that loud buzzing didn't stop.  
"Now you understand,don't you?" - I felt a hot kiss on my temple,that seemed to burn me from within.  
"What a bliss it is to give in." - Arthur whispered in my ear,pulling me in his arms.  
I couldn't bare that sound. That loud buzzing was tearing my head apart.  
I closed my eyes and cried out like a wounded animal,falling into darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know your thoughts on this. Please,feel free to tell me what you think about Harley's decision and Arthur's behavior))


	33. I Have Someone Who Needs me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Some are born mad, some achieve madness, and some have madness thrust upon them.”

"Harleen,you are really one of the best students I've ever had. Honestly,I didn't expect,that amount of dedication and commitment from you." - A low and calm voice reverberated through my body.  
With a lot of effort I opened my eyes and found myself standing in a familiar office. There was a man in a dark blue suit and white shirt with receding hairline and glasses. I recognized him immediately.  
"Professor Mackenzie." - I exhaled with relief. That man was always fair to me,when others would overlook my achievements,because I was a "pretty blondie".  
"I found your research work on "Causes of mental disorders" brilliant." - Professor looked at me under his glasses.  
The good memories flooded in. I was so happy the day I presented my work.  
"How could you do it,Harleen?" - Suddenly he took what resembled my study and opened it.  
"What?" - I asked with mindless smile on my face.  
"You've destroyed everything,that you worked so hard for." - Professor started ripping away page by page with a sad look on his face.  
My heart sank. The good memories evaporated in a second and dark dirty ones replaced them.  
"What have you done,Harleen?" - Professor stood up and threw away what was left of my work.  
I opened my mouth to say something,but there was no sound.  
"Now you can kill me too." - He spread his arms,surrendering to me. His face seemed like an emotionless mask.  
"No!I would never..." - I gasped with horror,motioning to him.  
"Don't,Harley. He is not worth it." - Someone grabbed me by my arm.  
I looked back and saw Arthur. His pale aristocratic face in flaking clown make up seemed too real.  
"Harleen,you were such a promising doctor." - Professor's low voice sounded loud and angry.  
"It doesn't matter anymore. Your past doesn't matter,Harley." - Arthur pulled me in closer,not letting me look at Professor.  
"Remember who you are,Harleen." - The low demanding voice seemed to get distant.  
"Harley,We are embarking on a new life...together." - Arthur's soft comforting voice felt like warm honey. That warmth sank into me.  
"Doctor Quinzel,don't forget who you are." - Professor's voice sounded weak and remote.  
"You're free...nothing else matters." - Arthur leaned so close,that our noses touched. His big green eyes were shining like two stars in the night sky.  
I felt so safe by his side.  
"Harleen,don't let him take over..." - Professor's voice trailed off,as I closed my eyes,leaning towards Arthur's kiss.

I opened my eyes and found myself in the bed. The ceiling above me looked unfamiliar. It wasn't Andrea's house anymore. I jumped up anxious.  
"I was waiting for you to wake up." - Arthur was sitting on the chair in front of the bed. He looked so innocent and pure without Joker's attire.  
My head was having a hard time processing the dream. It felt so real.  
"Harley,I was worried." - Arthur sat motionlessly in a beige shirt and black pants,that seemed oversized on his thin body. His emerald eyes were carefully examining me.  
"I'm fine,Arthur." - I lied with a forced smile on my face.  
He stood up and rushed to me.  
"Harley,don't do this." - He said with a strange twinkle in his big eyes.  
I stared at him,understanding what he meant intuitively.  
"You don't have to hide it from me...not from me." - Arthur hunched down,putting his hand on mine.  
I felt sick and empty inside and he could see it.  
"It will go away...soon." - He nodded to me reassuringly. Arthur's dark curls danced on his shoulders. I couldn't help but notice how childlike he looked in that moment. It calmed my heart,that was drumming in my ears.  
In a sheer impulse I hugged him tightly,burring my face in his chest. His arms wrapped around me,as he started to swing from side to side and hum something.  
"For once in my life I have someone who needs me. Someone I've needed so long." - I've heard him sing softly right in my ear.  
I looked up at him and found his green eyes full of love.  
"Do you know this song?" - Arthur whispered intimately.  
"Yes...For once I can touch,what my heart used to dream of. Long before I knew someone warm like you would make my dreams come true." - I hummed softly with my shaky voice,not breaking an intense eye contact with Arthur.  
"For once in my life I won't let sorrow hurt me. Not like it's hurt me before. For once, I have something I know won't desert me...I'm not alone anymore." - With a smile on his aristocratic face Arthur continued,staring back at me.  
My anxiety faded away like it was never there in the first place.  
"For once, I can say,this is mine, you can't take it. As long as I know I have love, I can make it. For once in my life, I have someone who needs me." - I reached out and caressed his pale warm cheek,humming the song,that I heard so many times. The song that in that moment was exposing our mutual need for each other.  
"For once in my life, I have someone who needs me." - Arthur echoed after me with such a palpable sadness in his emerald eyes. It stung me right in my heart.  
I exhaled,kissing him on his lips to soothe him.  
"My Harley." - He whispered,pulling me closer. Desperation was oozing from him. He kissed me so passionately,that I lost my breath. It was as strong as a hurricane,that sucks you into it's whirlpool. I couldn't get out and I didn't want to.  
There were sharp, almost painful kisses. There were a man and a woman in heat like two hungry animals,gripping each other as if it was the last day on earth.  
Finally my father's voice was silenced in my head forever. I let Arthur consume me completely and nothing was holding me back anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't be a silent reader:))Let me know what you think)


End file.
